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  #41  
Old 11-15-2012, 11:20 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I'm very happy for you Cleo!

Reading through your blog it sound like there have been a number of things that you were nervous about that, when you girded your loins and addressed them, ended up working out better than you thought it might. Congratulations!

Although there is no promise that future issues will go as smoothly you now know that not every case will necessarily turn into a "worst case scenario" - go you!

Hugs and Happiness to you.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #42  
Old 11-16-2012, 02:05 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hooray! So very happy for you!
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  #43  
Old 11-16-2012, 04:12 AM
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DJandBri DJandBri is offline
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amazing story would love to hear more. thats intense and i feel like we can learn from you.
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  #44  
Old 11-16-2012, 04:13 AM
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DJandBri DJandBri is offline
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Default we 100% agree

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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I'm very happy for you Cleo!

Reading through your blog it sound like there have been a number of things that you were nervous about that, when you girded your loins and addressed them, ended up working out better than you thought it might. Congratulations!

Although there is no promise that future issues will go as smoothly you now know that not every case will necessarily turn into a "worst case scenario" - go you!

Hugs and Happiness to you.

JaneQ
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  #45  
Old 11-16-2012, 02:18 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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thanks for reading along, you all
It's quite funny to share these mile stones with a bunch of people who are strangers, yet 'get' it so well.

I'm still in an amazing good place. I feel strong, confident and full of love. I talked to a friend yesterday and she said that maybe I was more in need of my parents approval than I thought? and that the fact that they did not respond extremely negatively made me feel so good?
But I don't think it's about telling my parents per se - I think it's about the fact that I'm trying to purge my life from lies and bullshit. Every little step I take in that direction, helps. Some of the situations in my life that make me anxious and upset are more in my control than others, and I need to figure out which ones I can control and what I can do about it. The situation with my parents made me anxious and it turned out I could fix that by telling them my story. (of course, I may have added a new source of anxiety - we'll see how it goes when the news has had a chance to sink in with them).

My connection with C. feels strong and secure, yet I feel much less worried and anxious about him dating (which I know he is) . It's all about trust.

I got an email from MrBrown today, the ever cool and collected one, the one who seems to always have all his ducks in a row and who is not fazed by anything. Turns out he's been home from work with burn out symptoms. It's pretty huge, I think, that he's telling me - we don't really have that type of relationship. It felt like a gift that he shared it with me. I probaly won't see him for a while, but we have a weekend scheduled somewhere in december and I'm looking forward to that - if he's well enough by then, for that.

Date with Cute Bi Guy planned for tonight. It's the second date and I have NO clue where this could go, or where I would want it to go. I suspect some heavy flirting and probably a kiss or two. But I'm not really sure if I'm ready to be sexual with another man. But I do have some pretty hot fantasies that involve him and another guy. We'll see

All in all, I intend to enjoy my feelings of calm and contentment while they last... because I'm sure some sort of poly-bomb will blow up at some point. For now, all is good.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #46  
Old 11-23-2012, 11:06 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Date with CuteBiGuy (I think I will call him BGuy for short, so I'm not reminded of his cuteness everytime I write aboout him ) was... interesting.
He's incredibly smart, clever, intelligent, witty... all huge turn ons for me, and we have great conversation. Very open, honest, energy flowing back and forth. As the evening progressed, I became more and more unsure about the physical attraction and if there was any. I mean, I find him very cute, his body language intrigues me.. he's definitely more feminine than any guy I've ever been with, but not in an unattractive way (I say this because I am usually atracted to very masculine guys). But I just could not figure out how he felt about me. He had dropped hints in email conversation about having fantasies about me, but when we were out drinking, I did not really pick up a vibe. So I asked him And he said, well, I wouldn't mind taking you home, right now! which surprised, flattered and excited me.
I knew I wouldn't act on it though, but I had put myself in a bit of a predicament, because I felt I had to explain why I wouldn't, which was difficult, because I wasn't even sure myself.

There are 2 reasons why I hesitate getting sexually involved with another guy - one is me, the other is: the others.

MrBrown doesn't care what I do or with whom, although he loves to hear my stories. But towards Ren and Curlz I feel a kind of.. I don't know... guilt? responsibility? I know it would be ok with Ren, if I had sex with BGuy... he would even be ok with a casual, FWB type realtionship. He would have problems if I added another 'real' committed relationship to my life. Well, I don;t know where I would find the time, anyway. And C, I dont know how he would react. I'm still his only partner, though he's dating. If I sleep with BGuy (and if we hit it off sexually, this would be something we could, and wanted to do more often, because neither of us are looking for just a one night stand) this means I have 4 sexual partners.

And there comes the 'me' reason.

Part of me enjoys the definite sense of sluttiness I get from just fantasizing about having sex with a new partner. Discovering someone, finding out what they like, what they can make me feel like. (and to this I have to add that while I love C deeply, the sex isn't always without complications. When it's good, its very warm and loving and meaningful, but because he has occasional ED, it isn't always as playful, light, and fun as I'd like it to be).

And then another part of me thinks 'what am I doing?' I've been 'monogamous' with my 3 men for amost a year now. The thought of taking my clothes of for yet another new guy scares me to death.
And then I think: what if the sex is really good.. I know myself, feelings will get involved, and oh boy, it can become a complicated mess.

I just don't know!

We've been in touch via email and text, it's nice, and I can tell he really likes me, and that he wants me. In fact, he JUST sent me a text saing he was thinking of me when he was the shower... He has also said that if I want to be just friends, that's an option too. We'll see. I have to say it also feels really good to be giving this a lot of thought. To know I am attracted to someone but that that doesn't mean I have to act on it. My self esteem doesn't depend on it, where as last year, when I slept around a LOT, it sure did.

****************

In other news, I'm going to my first ever poly-meet up tonight! I live in a small country with not much of a poly community, but there have been meet ups a couple of times, but I've never managed to go to one so far. I'm very curious, and the voyeuristic side of me is excited. It will be interesting for sure.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 11-23-2012 at 11:11 AM.
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  #47  
Old 11-23-2012, 04:26 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Hi Cleo,

I've been enjoying your posts! Glad to hear things are going so well.

If you're looking for some support, my vote is Yes: Go ahead and get a 4th sexual partner!! Yay!

But, more seriously, I do understand your slight feeling of guilt & responsibility toward your husband and C. You should probably talk to C more deeply about your potential new partner and how he would feel.

I also understand your anxiety when C goes on dates. My only partner (right now) is looking for someone to be more "primary" than me (which I totally support), and there is a possibility he will want to be monogamous with such a partner someday. The uncertainty is sometimes hard...if there will still be room in his life for me...but, on another level it also feels totally right to be able to go forward with no expectations. I'm happy.
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  #48  
Old 12-07-2012, 03:31 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
If you're looking for some support, my vote is Yes: Go ahead and get a 4th sexual partner!! Yay!
Hi MeeraReed, thanks... it's real nice to know someone on the other side of the planet is rooting for me to get me some more sex

I've been in touch with BGuy since the date, and he really seems like a great guy... even though he knows it is definitely not a certainty that we'll end up in bed together (and he's not looking for a relationship,only for a FWB type of thing) he still says he wants to get to know me, values my friendship, etc. And I believe him. Anyway, I proposed a date in January to 'further explore'and suggested we'd meet somewhere private (which means not in a bar). He says he's looking forward to it and so am I

I did discuss it with C., well not this particular specific situation, more like 'what would happen if we had sex with someone else'. I realized he's not going to give me the assurance and boundaries that I would like, but what he does give me, I can live with. What it means, concretely, is that I would not feel guilty if I slept with someone else... and that I would tell him afterwards.

********************
Other stuff: the poly meet up was a disaster. Really not for me. What bothered me the most that it was a sort of clinical setting.. a group of 20 people in a circle under some bright lights, well excuse me but I don't think that is the right environment to discuss your sex and love life.

I have a plan of my own.. I want to get in touch with a bunch of women from a local poly dating site, women my age and with approximately the same level of poly experience, to start a women's group. We would meet in someones home with a pot of tea and a bottle of wine.. and share.

*********************

I've talked to my parents a couple of times since The Talk, and while we don't have any real discussions about it, it makes me very happy that they also don't give it the silent treatment. I told my mom I went somewhere and she said: 'did you go by yourself? or with your friend from [his city]?'- which, in my family, is really major since we never talk or mention anything remotely personal. So no second thoughts about telling them, at all.

C. is on his way for his second sleepover-while-husband-is-also-present, I haven't seen him in 2 weeks and I am very much looking forward to seeing him. And finally, in some other good news, the friend with the affair told her husband, and she's now going through a really rough time but she's honest to everyone in her life, which means I can talk to her and support her and cry with her and be there for her, now that the secret is no longer suffocating our friendship.

So basically there's not much drama to report from the Cleo front, just happily poly-ing along...
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 12-07-2012 at 03:33 PM.
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  #49  
Old 12-14-2012, 01:48 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I'm going away with MrBrown this weekend. I'm so excited to see him... it's been too long, and he even said in an email yesterday that he 'missed me a little'. Now this is a huge statement for him.. here's a guy who mentioned 'Love' on the third date, and who never hesitates to tell me he loves me.. but he almost never says anything that could be interpreted as vulnerability or neediness, so he never says he misses me, or even that he wants to see me. I've gotten used to this and don't expect it anymore (and am careful about saying too many of these things myself, although I do sometimes say them, because I do feel them). But yes, I have to admit that that email brought on a huge smile when I read it.

A weird little predicament though... I just got a text from C asking me what my plans for the weekend are... we're not seeing each other until next week, but we usually chat daily and catch up on what our plans are. Now, while he has no jealousy issues when it comes to my husband, he definitely has them when it comes to MrB, and he has asked me a while ago not to tell him beforehand, when I have a date planned.

So now when he asked me what my plans for the weekend were, I basically lied and said 'nothing special' which makes me feel bad, but on the other hand, I can't really say anything else...
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #50  
Old 12-14-2012, 09:36 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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You could say "I'll be out of town" especially if you don't plan to be texting him while you are off for the weekend. And if you DO plan on texting him, and you think he might feel even more uncomfortable thinking about how you were talking to him while off with MrB, I'd probably want to say it for sure.

I have an ex who gets uncomfortable hearing about my boyfriend so I while I wont lie, if he asks about my plans I just say "I have plans out" or "I won't be back on the computer to talk until Monday" with the understanding if he ask more details he is going to hear that I have a date. I guess I think its good the onus is on him to not ask if he doesn't want to know, and not on me to have to be dishonest. Would you find yourself in a pickle if it comes out later you weren't totally honest with C?

Not sure if you're going to be comfortable with a long term DADT about mentioning dates ahead of time, (I can't remember how long you've been seeing everybody!) but I hope C is working on finding a way to be OK hearing about things. Have an awesome weekend too
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