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Old 11-23-2012, 10:33 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 477
Default 'From 'we' to 'I': debating couple-centrism

I was browsing profiles on a poly dating site and noticed something. The way most guys describe their relation to poly really turned me off. It seemd like most profiles started with something 'we' related: my wife and I have decided to open up our relationship / we're happily married but feel there's room for more / we are investigating if this is right for us / we give each other freedom to explore other relationships etc.

Then I realized that two years ago, when I started putting up profiles on sites, I did the same thing and my profile wasn't that different from the ones quoted above.

So something changed and shifted over the past year. I still feel very much part of the couple that is me and my husband, but I no longer feel that when it comes to poly, we also operate as a couple - if that makes any sense. I remember a time this summer when my husband was in a crisis and he asked me to skip a visit to C, my BF. My husband was upset and hurting and I wanted to be there for him, so I did what he asked. But at the same time I felt he was pushing a boundary, and had he asked me again, we would have had a big problem.

That was the first time I felt that if he, or any other person in my life, would ask me to choose, I would not choose one particular other person - I would choose ME, even if that would mean losing one or more relationhip(s) with others.

I guess that more and more, I feel that poly, to me, isn't really about multiple loves and the relationship with them - it's about my relationship with myself. It feels like its becoming a kind of life-philosophy that is spilling over in all areas of my life - friendships, work, my family.

I was just wondering if anyone else experienced this? Being in a longterm commited relationship, opening up, and feeling this transition from 'we are a couple doing poly' to 'I am a person living a poly life'?

edited to add: I suppose I should've put this in the General Discussions forum, sorry.
__________________
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 years
Bo - BF of 1+ year
Lou & Jane - Ren's girlfriends
Lin - Bo's other GF

Last edited by Cleo; 11-23-2012 at 10:43 AM.
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