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  #321  
Old 10-17-2012, 12:31 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Helo View Post
It also leads to an absolutely maddening occurrence where you meet someone that seems as close to perfect as you could reasonably ask for....and they're monogamous with absolutely zero plans to think about anything else.
You must have missed some key personality questions, or else not put enough importance on the answers. I've answered a ton of poly-type questions and made all the "Answers I'll accept" be "Mandatory" and so OKC doesn't match me romantically with anyone monogamous.

For example, one question is "Would you date someone who was already in a committed relationship with someone else?" Options are:
Yes, even in secret.
Yes, but only if everybody knew.
No, but I don't think it's inherently wrong.
No, it's wrong.

Well, since I'm in a committed relationship with someone else, and I don't endorse lying, I chose "Yes, but only if everybody knew" for my own answer, as well as the only answer I would accept. Then I set that answer to "mandatory" for matches. Anyone who chooses another answer is completely unavailable to me, so why waste time? And since that's a dating question, it's not factored into friend-matching.

OKC has a very smart scoring algorithm. It assigns points to answers based on your importance. "A little important" is worth 1 point, "Mandatory" is worth 250 points. So someone would have to agree with you on 250 minor things to override one mandatory thing. Since I've answered at least 10 poly-questions as "Mandatory" that makes it more like 2500 minor things.

Msg me if you want my OKC profile name, and you can go to my "Dating" questions and find some poly-friendly questions to narrow the field.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 10-17-2012 at 12:38 AM.
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  #322  
Old 10-17-2012, 06:05 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
You must have missed some key personality questions, or else not put enough importance on the answers. I've answered a ton of poly-type questions and made all the "Answers I'll accept" be "Mandatory" and so OKC doesn't match me romantically with anyone monogamous.
I've found a lot of them and answered them accordingly. My matches are still generally astoundingly bad.
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  #323  
Old 10-18-2012, 02:04 AM
MoonBright MoonBright is offline
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OKCupid changed their matching algorithm awhile back to create more high value matches.
Personally, I found it a horrible decision. Those people really aren't good matches for me, so I much preferred the previous algorithm.
Now, I mostly look at the friend #, rather than the "match" #.
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  #324  
Old 10-18-2012, 04:45 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Yeah, not everyone that matches highly is really a good match for me. Love isn't logical and expecting any kind of mathematical algorithm to accurately reduce romance to a single percentage is preposterous.

Even though I met my girlfriend through OKC, I honestly think it was more of a fluke than anything. I've met about half a dozen people through OKC, all matched over 85%. She's the only one with whom I wanted so much as a second date, never mind a romantic relationship approaching the 1 year mark.

But then, that all comes back to being in the right head space. You're much less likely to find someone when you're desperately searching. If you go out only looking for friends, you'll have a more open mind about what people are like, and hopefully be less likely to write off people who seem less than ideal at first impression.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 10-18-2012 at 04:49 AM.
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  #325  
Old 10-22-2012, 02:45 PM
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Kommander Kommander is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Helo View Post
Online dating in general seems to kinda suck. It makes people over-picky and everyone thinks they can gauge a person's true personality and intentions from a two paragraph entry.
This is precisely why I hate online dating when I've tried it in the past. In part because I found myself doing it.

Despite that, I just signed up. Last time I tried online dating I was mono (in theory, anyway), things might go differently this time.

Hmm, lots of attractive poly people in the Detroit area. Now, if I could just grow a pair of balls I might message a few of them.

*looks at crotch* Anytime now, guys.
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  #326  
Old 11-22-2012, 01:13 PM
TOROdeSerenity TOROdeSerenity is offline
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I'm on OKC.. I get views and responses.. most people are nice. I have that I'm looking for friends, activity partners, long term and short term dating.. I state in my actual profile that I'm looking for friends and open poly people which is honest and true. I'm not looking to get laid. I'm not a player and I'm not looking to make anyone jealous/envious or be a secret or have a secret. I have that I'm in a poly/open relationship. Responses are good so far. It just takes time. I suggest spending alot of time on your profile. Really work on being authentic then do your 500 questions before you contact anyone.

bottom line, I have never had any issues getting laid. I find it rather amusing how absolutely easy it is actually. I'm online to find someone to connect with and I'm interviewing potential matches. I defiantly deny some, that's part of the process. Being poly is special and it takes a process to ensure whomever you're bringing into your life is fully aware of your love life. I weigh alot on the pictures.. I skim profiles and look for words like open, poly, etc.. I message them and start the conversation.. at some point I make sure they read my profile and they are fully aware I'm poly. They usually affirm it's cool or they're just looking to be friends. Which is cool by me, I like friends.

Last edited by TOROdeSerenity; 11-22-2012 at 01:21 PM.
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  #327  
Old 12-08-2012, 11:44 PM
NovaFlutterhusky NovaFlutterhusky is offline
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Unhappy Question about meeting new potentials

So I have been involved in the poly world all of a year almost and there is something that is bothering me a bit. Is it really this hard to meet another poly person or a couple looking for another male? I mean, I am the most open-minded person in the world (also Pansexual) and I am finding that it feels near impossible to even find anyone interested no matter where I post an ad or anything. Is there just something that I am missing? Are my ads too dull or do they just demand too much? Am I too blunt? I just feel like I am doing everything wrong and it really bothers me. My Love can put ads up herself and have people flock to her (Though, the thought there is because she is female biologically). Is it just hard to be a poly male looking for a poly female or a couple that can help meet his needs in ways his primary can't? Is it because i'm in the middle of Pennsylvania?

I welcome all advice and any feedback. Also feel free to note me as well if you wish to talk further on this subject.
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  #328  
Old 12-09-2012, 12:04 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Hi,

We have found that there is a gender imbalance in all directions. We used Cupid and my husband had a hard time meeting anyone, at first. I got tons of messages. So, don't fret, it's definitely not personal!

I can speak to what I responded to online. I responded to guys who took the time to write out a long - thought out message, guys who engaged me about the books I read, or guys who were witty. I ended up dating someone who actually sent two messages and second-guessed himself in the second message, this showed me some humanity and gentleness.

I DIDN'T respond to guys who wrote one word or mentioned sex right away or wrote how are you/ etc. Hope this helps. Good luck.
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  #329  
Old 12-09-2012, 07:54 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I think OKC is good, my husband has had lots of luck there and after recently reactivating my profile on there, I think I know why.

Most messages I get are "Hi I like your pictures and your smile" with nothing at all about anything in my profile. Make sure you don't do that. Even a poly guy who was a 96% match just sent me a "I'm in town tonight, are you free?" That makes me have zero desire to get to know them at all, its lazy and a turn off.

Make sure the messages you are sending people are relevant to their profile, call out if you have hobbies in common or they say something you want to know more about, and don't write to them if you're only writing to them because you find them attractive, write to them if you like what you read too (I mean if you're just looking for casual stuff and dont care if it leads to a great relationship, I hear a lot of good things about craigslist)

Have you asked your female partner for input? If she knows you well she could help remind you what awesome qualities you have that she'd want to know about when deciding if she wanted to write back to you or not.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 12-09-2012 at 08:20 AM.
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  #330  
Old 12-09-2012, 12:42 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi,

I sympathise! I was having the same feeling recently on OK Cupid. I am a woman primarily looking for other poly women, and I am finding that tough. When I set my profile to bisexual, about 15-20 men message me every day and no women whatsoever. When I change it to 'gay', I still have to do the searching with women and I'm not coming up with a lot at all.

My girlfriend is a Dominant woman looking for submissive boys. They are ten-a-penny in the San Fran area. Like your OH, men flock to her.

Her husband was really struggling to get any contact with women online. I went in and edited his profile for him and changed some of his pictures. Since then, he's had to do most of the looking, but he's been getting some good replies, instead of no replies.

The changes I made were things like:
- his username had 69 in it, because it was the date of a vintage car he used to have. Changed that! Haha.
- he talked about his job too much and not a lot else
- he showed no passion for anything
- he seemed lukewarm about being poly
- at first, he didn't even say that he was poly, in case it scared women away
- under 'what are you doing with your life', he had put something like 'just making the best of it, I guess, lol' - I changed that and added more interests and joy

I think it's definitely true that women, in general, get more messages. It could be the stereotypical thing of 'men hunt, women like to be hunted'. I have not found many women who have been willing to do the hunting themselves.

It's also true that women can get inundated with messages that are impersonal, like other people have said. In a sea of 'hey, ur hot', you have to stand out by being genuine and, yes, talking about what you have read on their profile.

Also try changing your picture periodically. On FetLife, I used to have a picture of me from a distance, against a wall. I would rarely get messages. Now I have a closeup of my face, looking quite intense and Mistressy... hahaha... and I've had many more messages since then. Sometimes it's trial and error - what you think looks good may not attract people. Even if you do look good, not everyone will be attracted. Also, if you change it every few weeks, you are less likely to get skimmed over by people who have seen your picture before.

You are definitely welcome to send me a message with your username and I can check it out for you and maybe give you some pointers. But I totally understand if you want to remain anonymous!
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Me: (30f) open poly
GF: (40f) My long-term, long-distance partner

Metamours:
Hubby (37m): GF's husband
Garcon (27m): GF's submissive



“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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