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Old 11-22-2012, 09:30 AM
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hylierandom hylierandom is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the trailer park.
Posts: 12

For the record, I am not a "normal" neurotypical, by any stretch.
I'm a lot more prone to take criticism of something I have done as a negative affirmation of my general ability to do anything, for instance.
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Old 11-22-2012, 10:49 AM
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hylierandom hylierandom is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the trailer park.
Posts: 12

When one's partner tells you for years that you are being hurtful to them, and tells you exactly what you are doing that's hurtful...but you do not understand why it is hurtful...are you justified in continuing to hurt your partner?

It was something she could control easily, that she was asked to. I just wasn't logical, so was ignored.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Sooo... you expected her to conform to your differences (health problems and chronic fatigue) but you were not willing to conform to her differences. You chose to feel hurt and take it as personal criticism.
When someone tells you "I think that fence you put up is a piece of shit," It's a bit hard to not take it personal.

An alternative would be accepting it as part of her Asperger's and just explaining, for example, "I understand that you would like me to do this a certain way, but I'm satisfied with how it is. You can re-do it if you'd like, but I'm not going to."
That would have required her to accept my opinion as valid.
She did not. She stopped respecting me fairly early on in the marriage.

No, they don't. That attitude is ableist. Some may choose to adapt, but they don't "have" to do anything unless they want to. They're not on this planet to please you.
They aren't on this planet to please me.
However she did not have to marry me, either.
Having married me she did not have to decide that, as she was the smarter of the two of us, that her way was the one right way, and all would be done to suit her.

...As (a) she was willing to yell and get up in my face and (b) I have PTSD, she got her way every time.
I did my very best to give her the space and quiet she needed to process...and regularly thought about blowing my brains out due to loneliness.
When we dated she talked to me a lot, I somehow became too overwhelming when we were together..

You wouldn't expect a blind person to learn to see, a deaf person to learn to hear, or a person who uses a wheelchair to learn to walk. That's no different from expecting a person with Asperger's to learn to act neurotypically.
Actually, not so much act neurotypically...as not do something that I told her over and over again hurt me.

NT's need to learn and accept that people with Asperger's are different. A cat cannot learn to be a dog. A cat is not a dog, but a cat is a great pet. It's the human's responsibility to understand how cats behave, and to expect them to act like cats, not dogs. And some people want dogs, not cats, so they should have dogs, not cats. If you can't handle the challenges of being with someone with Aspgerger's, then move on and accept that as your limitation, not hers.
She can choose to do whatever she wants with herself now; we're divorcing.
...I am someone who has a significant amount of different problems interacting with people.
I have survived things that would cause most people to lose their mind...I am set up to survive the very worst there is...But in the everyday world, the way I am is not adaptive People are not currently trying to beat me senseless or sexually abuse me.
Looking at it without a value judgment, having a dissociative disorder is not adaptive in the everyday world. Having DID was adaptive for the experience that created it; not so much now.

Looking at the way my soon-to-be-ex acts...it's normal to her.
It alienates her from others something terrible though. As a consequence, she gets extremely lonely.
It's not adaptive to expect the world to conform to the tastes of myself, either, I have to find ways to fit in. Which isn't easy for me.
...I know a deaf person who lipreads flawlessly, BTW, such that people think she is not deaf.
For example, I no longer date people with severe depression. I have in the past, it was very challenging for me, and I made a conscious choice that I'm just not cut out for it. I accept that as a limitation in my emotional capacity. I don't go around expecting depressed people to just get happy for my benefit.
I can believe that...it's why I don't want to try getting married again.
Personally, I find people who haven't been through something awful just don't make much sense to me.
But I also try to manage my depression, PTSD, and now whatever dissociative business I have going on, and I do this so I can have the sort of life I want.

...I did whatever she wanted to the best of my capability, and gave in to whatever she wanted because she was willing to shout, and shouting gives me panic attacks.
...to put it bluntly, I hid from her, was terrified of her, had panic attacks from her shouting at me regularly.
Regardless of one's neurological differences...when one's partner is behaving in ways that are giving you panic attacks...you have a problem.

The fact that someone felt compelled to write a book to teach other people with Asperger's to act in a way that is contrary to their nature is nothing short of heart-breaking.
It was written by an Asperger's person, to help other Asperger's people...
Am I saying that every moment with my step-son is a walk in the park? Heeellll no. Every day is a challenge. But his differences are what make him special and unique. Without them, he wouldn't be the wonderful child that he is.
He's not insisting everything be done his way and getting up in your face and screaming at you when you do not do it precisely the way he wants.
And you may not be a trauma survivor, so your life experience would not include collapsing on the floor when screamed at.
Frankly, I think you're full of shit. If you thought there was nothing "wrong" with her then why would you want her to change? Your attitude is discriminatory. Don't sit there and pretend that you're just being rational. People do that to folks with all kinds of disabilities, and it's nothing short of bigotry.
She did not hit me...but if someone starts punching you you would like it to stop, right?

...I told her ad nauseam; "Please stop trying to help me by telling me what I am doing wrong, please leave me alone when I am working on things...""I find this hurtful, please stop."
...She was extremely critical. No matter how many times I told her that it was hurtful, no matter how many ways I told her telling me these things was damaging my self-esteem, she could not hear that.
...Apparently my failure as her spouse is being sensitive to what she says...a thing she has praised when I am dealing with other people.
She was right to be angry: you were discriminating against her. Hey, it's a free world... you're allowed to be as close-minded, discriminatory, and stubborn as you want. And I'm allowed to judge you for that.
Everyone has a right to their own feelings.
My feelings about the marriage are a great sense of grief and guilt that I could not "take" her unconscious stomping of my feelings.
I tried my best, including playing musical medications on myself, individual therapy and two courses of couples' counseling.
I could not stay when my needs were going as unmet as they were.

...I could not stay with someone who was causing me to doubt my own ability to do anything an adult can do...to the degree I had a panic attack when I was going to try to change my own car oil...a ridiculously simple job.
She had me convinced I was totally incapable of most anything by virtue of making sure I knew everything I had done wrong.

...As far as judging, if you want to engage in a serious MONOGAMOUS relationship with her, you can feel free to try.
I will be happy to pass contact information if she agrees.

I am online friends with someone who is an Asperger's person, freshly diagnosed, and now getting the neurotypical world decoded for him via therapy.
He's rather horrified to realize how he's been casually hurting and enraging his friends and coworkers, such that they all now only put up with him because he's good at what he does.

Last edited by hylierandom; 11-22-2012 at 11:07 AM.
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Old 11-22-2012, 04:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,342

While divorce is not a fun thing, I'm glad you are choosing to end the wacky.

It sounds like not just a mismatch but super difficult over there. Rather than point fingers at each other -- releasing yourselves from this hurtfulness and allowing you both to seek calm/peaceful living sounds better.

I don't know what kind of support you might need that forum people can offer you in this new journey of yours (navigating a divorce.) But just post whatever it is you may need and ask. Most people are willing to share themselves here and lend support. I don't have divorce experiences but I'm sure other do.

Hopefully every baby step keeps moving it forward in your journey and is taking you to a better, healthier space for you over time. BOTH of you.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-22-2012 at 04:20 PM.
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Old 11-22-2012, 05:49 PM
Josie Josie is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 71

As someone very close to many people on the spectrum I would say that accomadating is a two way street.

NT's need to try a heck of a lot harder to accomodate people on the spectrum. This means understand and accept what their doing/feeling/thinking and not put them down for it.
However, I think the OP has a point in the fact that his wife was not willing to do the same for him, it can be a big stuggle for an Aspie to understand someone elses feelings and views but in a marriage or close relationship it is necesary to try and people on the spectrum are not incapable of this (at least to the stage of accepting what they are doing hurts someone). Nor is it going against who they are to do so.

My brother is on the spectrum, when we were young he would yell at me when I cried because he couldn't understand it and it sent him into sensory overload. He has since learnt that that does not help and in facts hurts me. He now no longer does this.
I have many friends on the spectrum also, and when I clearly state that something upsets me, they usually stop doing it or are apologetic and, although they don't entirely understand, they care about me, know I would do the same for them, and try their best not to cause me pain.

So when it comes to OP's wife, maybe he didn't go all the way with understanding and accepting her, but from the sounds of it, she wasn't willing to try to stop doing the one thing that caused a large amount of pain to her partner.

Therefore I would say it was a very incompatible relationship.

OP: I'm glad that you have moved on from the cause of the hurt and I hope that you're new relationships go well but, like people have said, take it slow, communicate - make sure everyone clearly knows what's going on.
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Old 11-22-2012, 07:48 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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Fair enough, I accept that it was within her abilities to improve her behaviour.

There's something to be said for not banging your head against the wall. If you tell someone they're hurting you and they don't stop, then you have two choices: you can leave, or you can let them keep hurting you. You can't change people. No matter how much you want them to change, they have to want it too or it's just not going to happen.

Choosing not to leave allows them to continue hurting you. So to that end, I'm glad to hear that you've left that hurtful situation. As for the current gf, it sounds like a different form of the same underlying issue. It may be worth taking a break from dating in general and focus on your own emotional health for a while. If these are the types of people you keep being drawn to, I would figure out why that is and what you can do to seek out healthier companions.

In ideal world, two atypical people would be great for one another because they would understand the struggles the other goes through. In reality, they're often both so preoccupied with their own struggles that it's hard to have compassion for the other's situation.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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