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Old 11-22-2012, 09:12 AM
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hylierandom hylierandom is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the trailer park.
Posts: 12
Default Crazy after all these years?

This is off-topic to the other thread I started...but some of the responses seemed to require a response, I guess?

(mods, move it if it needs moved, please...)

People seem to suggest I needed to heal...Yeah....spot on...Totally agreed...I do need to heal.
Annnnd...I've been in and out of therapy my entire life, pretty much.

My current therapist is a trauma specialist.

My T and I did take a hiatus, but I've been working with her off and on for 7 years.
I've been working on it...and working...and working...
...At what point am I supposed to be "healing" and at what point am I supposed to be... I dunno, "operable?" "All fixed?"
When am I supposed to get a little approval stamp that tells me I'm healthy enough to be in a relationship?

...I'm getting out of a fairly destructive marriage, within which I felt horribly deprived of just about everything I needed emotionally and sexually...And yes I'm still sorting it all.
...I am grieving it. I still cry off and on, some nights I get really drippy.
I've only really gotten mentally and emotionally strong enough to leave her recently....I did try to fix it, but eventually saw there was no possible way to be happy with her.

Soooo...
...How long do I have to remain in agonizing loneliness? I've already been there for years, within the carcass of my marriage.

Another reason I bring this up...
I go to another support board for sexual abuse survivors...there are folks there still actively healing in their 60's.

I don't expect to ever be fully "over" my awful childhood. The goal is...to both remember it all and have it be something that is over now, something I'm at peace with.
I'm far from there yet, and I work hard at it.

...I guess I'm sort of responding to the idea that you have one box labeled "healing," and another "living." which is what I picked up on in the other thread.

It's a misconception of sorts, I think...I think that healing, growing, and changing...metamorphosing...this happens as one goes about paying the bills, cooking dinner, laundering your clothes, feeding the kids or the dog or both, doing your daily meditations, caring for your body.

...Interacting with your lovers.
...Too, my own experience is that one heals in relationships. Not necessarily romantic ones. Any relationship with love in it can be healing, though. My best friend and I, both survivors of sex abuse by our own family members...we've healed each other a lot through love and caring.
...Basically, healing ought to not be this little isolated thing, it needs to spread outward and merge with one's living, so that one is healing, and living, and growing...all the time.
You don't put your life on hold until you're all fixed. Everything is a growth experience if you use it.

...I'm going to stop bloviating now and try to get some sleep.
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