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Old 12-26-2009, 02:49 AM
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Default "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policies: Merged threads/General discussion

I read on another thread and didn't want to hyjack it,

so i am curious about this, becuase for me I want to know I do ask lots of quetsions (mainly because im nosey) and even if sometimes the answers make me react a certiain way. I may feel insecure or jelous i think thats ok because then i can actually deal with those feelings and talk them through and usually resolve them,

I also don't want sex to be taboo subject and in past i have always been very free in regards to talk about sex.

I am aware though that Montianboy doesn't want to hear detials and i try to respect that even if i don't fully understand why.

What are other peoples opinions on this?

Jools
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Old 12-26-2009, 03:00 AM
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I thought about starting a thread on this too.

As I mentioned, H and I have a don't-ask-don't-tell policy.

H knows I have (had) other relationships. He knows *who* (in the sense of knowing their names, knowing a bit about them, how we met, etc.) I'm in a relationship with. My first b/f was someone he'd never met, but heard me talk about. My second b/f was someone who he knew and had met, but wasn't friends with himself (we'd been social as couples and "double dated" a couple of times both before and after M and I became intimate).

Right now I'm actively looking for another relationship. I meet people for coffee or drinks after work and H knows when I do. I tell him both becuase I want him to know what's going on in my life in that sense and for safety reasons (he knows where I'm meeting and what time and knows if he doesn't hear from me after a certain amount of time, there might be a problem). He will ask how the date went, but I don't give any more detail than "Oh, it was fine, but we didn't really click." or "He was a nice guy and I think we'll meet again." H doesn't want more detail than that, really, he just wants to know generally where things are.

When I was dating my last b/f, I would tell him "Oh I'm having lunch with M today" or "M is going to Denver in April and I think I'm going to try to go with him" or something like that. But again, other than asking "How's M doing?" he didn't want details of our relationship or our dates.

When M and I broke up, he was super sweet and comforting and gave me lots of space and time. He was willing to be a shoulder if I needed one, but honestly I needed time to hide and lick my wounds, and I was feeling awkward about accepting comfort from him in that situation.

He has no desire be involved with the people I'm involved with, although he'd like to know about them. If he were to decide to have another relationship, I think I'd feel much the same way. I would be happy, wouldn't mind meeting her, wouldn't mind having him talk about her, but don't really need details.

It really works for us, and that's the important thing.
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Old 12-26-2009, 03:36 AM
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Quote:
I read on another thread and didn't want to hyjack it,

so i am curious about this, becuase for me I want to know I do ask lots of quetsions (mainly because im nosey) and even if sometimes the answers make me react a certiain way. I may feel insecure or jelous i think thats ok because then i can actually deal with those feelings and talk them through and usually resolve them,
I have a... well... I think it's "unique". Perhaps there are parallels to other people's stories.

But basically, I'm a political activist. I moved from my place of work, life, love to New Hampshire as part of the Free State Project (http://www.freestateproject.org/)

It's a project to move 20,000 people to one place for peaceful objectives. It's not a short term thing, it's a long-term, set down roots kind of thing. We intend to influence a social dynamic through persuasion and constant activism.

Right now, there are about 800 people of those 20,000 who have ALREADY moved, and in the kind of philosophy we have, there's also an increased likelyhood of polyamory or tolerance for it.

I have an overarching philosophy in my life that guides my political activism. I won't go into it, but basically speaking, it's so ingrained in me that the combination of what I "Like in people" and what I "view in politics" create a much smaller dating pool for me than normal. If someone walked up to you and said that they enjoy torturing animals and making elderly people weap in their dreams, you'd probably not leave that conversation thinking "Wow, this person would be a great partner for me!"

So... my relationships are great and wonderful to me, but so is my philosophy. My wife fits both.

My biggest fear, at the time, was that one of us would date within this community and burn bridges, and that it would affect "us" as activists. I don't want to resent any of the people who have made the move here, and I don't want to resent my wife.

So, we agreed on a don't-ask-don't-tell policy.

Ultimately, it didn't work for us.

Like the OP, I realized I cared FAR too much about my wife to let her keep that important aspect of her life to herself. Or... more specifically... I'm nosy.

Not being able to share that was creating all kinds of tension for us and we discussed it and rescinded it. I think it was the next day, perhaps the day after, that I met one of her partners.

Hope that helps.
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Old 12-26-2009, 04:51 AM
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We have a bizarre and somewhat twisted "policy" in my opinion.

Maca can't handle knowing some specific details-so I don't share.

Mostly, if it were me, I would want to know based on what I was ready to ask. For example, I might only ask "did you have fun" the first time he had made love to a girlfriend. Only want to know yes or no.

But maybe the next night we're being playful and sexy and suggestive and I say "did you do xy or z with so and so" then I want a little more info... could lead to GREAT sex for us.

But I don't really need him to give me a lab report on each date... if you know what I mean??

I certainly wouldn't want the same silence he wants though. If he's going to be making love to someone else, i want to have the knowledge so I can also have the opportunity to enjoy the thought if that's the mood/space I am in....

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Old 12-26-2009, 04:58 AM
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Quote:
But maybe the next night we're being playful and sexy and suggestive and I say "did you do xy or z with so and so" then I want a little more info... could lead to GREAT sex for us.
This, at least on your side, is party why I do NOT share specifics, or expect them. My wife and I have different sexual kinks. Maybe that's a bad word. Tastes?

The reason we first began exploring poly (or more specifically, being "open") is that we have a sexual disconnect. She seems to see out partners in the extreme. She's into BDSM and comes how from R's place bruised up. That's her stuff, it's fully consentual. When she tells me things like "He has a nipple pump", it's somewhat... odd... to me. It's a world that's so far gone from me I can't, and sort of don't WANT to relate to it. I don't detest it. The fact that it matters to HER matters to me, but the details... I honestly would rather NOT know since I find them a little odd.

I still think we've rescinded the don't-ask-don't-tell rule. We don't share details but we share feelings. The details don't matter to me. How she FEELS about her experiences do, and she can convey that without a play-by-play.
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Old 12-26-2009, 05:04 AM
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THAT I understand too Drunken!!!
Because Maca (husband) and I are MUCH MUCH more kinky than my bf is. Greengecko (bf) isn't interested in knowing ALL that we do much less details! So I wouldn't subject him to them, but he and I do NOT have a don't ask don't tell policy-we just agree that we share the things that are either:

A. important enough we need to (for any reason).
or
B. are exciting and going to make for even more fun between us.


Whereas with Maca-he doesn't want to know when, how, where I have sex with my boyfriend. We have an agreement that we don't share beds or showers (ie maca has a bed and gg has a bed, I don't take either of them to the others bed EVER and maca and I share a shower downstairs, gg and I NEVER EVER share that shower).

I think it would be hard to make an "across the board" rule in our relationships-as we are all three SO very different.....
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Old 12-26-2009, 05:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine View Post
It's a world that's so far gone from me I can't, and sort of don't WANT to relate to it. I don't detest it. The fact that it matters to HER matters to me, but the details... I honestly would rather NOT know since I find them a little odd.
Yeah, same dynamic here to a degree. Not quite as extreme, but similar.

I guess for us don't-ask-don't-tell is probably an extreme definition of what we have. We do share feelings and generalities, but not, as you said, the play-by-play. Neither of us wants that.

And I think just in general, neither of us is "nosy" in that way I'd just as soon not hear the details of anyone else's sex life, nor share the exact details of mine with anyone else. So it works well for both of us.
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Old 12-26-2009, 05:17 AM
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I'd like to say, for the sake of continuing discussion...

Crisare, my inspiration to drop the DADT policy was you. So... I don't ask for specifics, but it's a world more communicative and honest and sharing than what existed before you and I had our discussion.

So, there are some similarities between what you and I (and our partners) DO share and what we DON'T share. And yet you call it a Don't-ask-don't-tell and I feel that my wife and I have rescinded that. So... A lot of the dynamics are the same in each of our relationships, but we seem to feel we're on the opposite sides of this issue. :P

How's THAT for clarity, eh?

[Edit: Added the thoughs below]

Do you know what might be the hardest thing about poly? Having discussions about "couples" or "groups" in relation to other couples or groups without sounding to the rest of the population like you're partners with each other. I WROTE this, and I know what I mean, but I'm confused, and it seems to look like I'm dating crisaire. :P

Last edited by DrunkenPorcupine; 12-26-2009 at 05:20 AM.
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  #9  
Old 12-26-2009, 05:19 AM
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I think it's important to understand why such policies are in place.

I generally don't get involved with people who have DADT policies with their other partners. I always feel much more secure when there's open communication between partners and metamours. I can't help but tie withheld information with protecting insecurity. As a person who is usually the outsider dating people in established partnerships, I've found that DADT is usually the tip of an iceberg that usually causes larger problems for me when getting more deeply involved. If my partner's partner can't handle that kind of information about my involvement, then that usually means that, on some level, they can't handle my involvement period. So it ends up being the same drama, just buried underneath the surface where it simmers and builds rather than being evident and out there for everyone to address. For me, DADT ends up limiting how involved I can be with a partner.

The guy I'm currently getting involved with actually has a philosophy of "There's no such thing as too much information." And he means it. There's nothing I can't ask him about his other relationships, including all the details. The same for his partners- I can talk to them about anything without reservation. That's much more proactive and open than I've ever encountered before. It's also pretty lovely to experience.
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Old 12-26-2009, 05:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I can't help but tie withheld information with protecting insecurity.
I think as long as you recognize that's YOUR perception, then we're cool. When you're saying that DADT is always a symptom of insecurity, then we have an issue.

For us it's not about insecurity. It's about respecting the privacy of each relationship and allowing each permutation of relationship to have it's own level of intimacy.

I personally would be VERY uncomfortable knowing that my guy was talking about the intimate details of our relationship with his wife. I know my H would be extremely uncomfortable thinking that I was comparing dick sizes (metaphorically or literally speaking) with my guy.

In fact I'd go so far as to say that if my guy's wife or my H demanded blow-by-blow details or required that everything we did or said was open to her, I would see that as a sign of insecurity on their parts - that he or she is not able to allow us a private intimate relationship, which could create problems down the road.
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