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  #541  
Old 10-26-2012, 11:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
Is this a PROBLEM for you, Dear Heart?
Only in as much as I would LOVE any amount of just-us time with her. I am working through my feelings on that, reminding myself that she badly needs more time for her husband, her baby, to be by herself, for working out, for her art, for housework, for trying to someday achieve her goal of sleeping with a man other than Eric... and she still makes time for me. Because she loves and wants me.

I'm thinking that, once it's been six months since we agreed on every-other-month just-us dates, I'll try to renegotiate for once a month. It *really* doesn't seem like too much to expect to me... which is why I have to keep reminding myself of the above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
Read about the accident after I posted that last one. Can't comment more than "Am I glad you're both OK!" as I've got to run... Hug Bee one time from me.
Thank you, and I will.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #542  
Old 10-29-2012, 01:51 AM
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On Friday night, Gia and I went out to the club, both wearing costumes that she had designed. Eric stayed home with Bee -- he'd originally planned to go to the party, but their babysitter fell through. I felt bad for him, but also a little relieved, since I never know how to handle being on the same dance floor as him. I know what to do with him when we're in bed together, but somehow when it comes to dancing I'm just at sea...

Anyways, the scene at the club was great, packed and exciting. It was a fetish night, and there was a violet wand station set up. A violet wand, for the record, is an electrically-conductive rod. You run it along someone's skin to shock them, it's a BDSM thing that I've been curious about but have never tried. I told Gia that I was interested in trying it, and that the guy running the station had said that he would show her how to use it if she wanted to be the one to do it to me. She said that she wasn't prepared to give it a go with so many people around, but that I should go for it. So I went, and waited my turn, and sat down. Just as the guy was about to start, Gia showed up! She held onto my ankle as he started, it was comforting and lovely to have her there. It hurt like a burn, like a cut, it was fascinating. She stayed for just a couple of minutes, then left. It hurt more without her there -- the guy with the wand pointed out that she had been acting as a ground, actually diverting some of the electricity away from me by touching me. I let him continue for another minute, then we stopped and I returned to the dance floor.

There was a costume contest, and Gia won!!! She completely deserved to, and she was so giddy, it was SO fun. And there was a cash prize!

Dexter, Gia's crush, was there. It was very good to see him, actually -- he had a family crisis recently, and we've been worried. We all danced together. Late in the night, a handsome Russian boy came over and danced with us. He seemed particularly taken with Gia, and she with him, so I stepped back to give them space. After a while they split apart and she grabbed me, danced close, held the back of my neck, wonderfully dom-y. Then she stopped and pointed towards the corner. I looked, and there was a young man bent over a wooden sawhorse, getting a severe caning on his bare back from another man. I was transfixed, as she knew I would be.

As the club was closing for the night, the Russian boy loitered nearby. I whispered to Gia that she should ask for his number. She looked adorably panicked, and said "I can't!" "Get his full name, then," I said, "you can find him on Facebook!" She did ask for his name, but it was long, and hard to pronounce, and she didn't ask him to spell it, so she left with no clue of how to find him again. So gorgeously flustered, it was really fun to see her like that. Further adventures in compersion! I don't know why I've been feeling the compersion so well lately, but I'm not complaining.

The next night, the four of us -- me, Gia, Eric, and Bee -- went to another Halloween party, this one being held by some friends of theirs. During the car ride, Eric mentioned that he was thinking of setting up another encounter with Helen, his new casual sex-friend, within the next few days. It has to be before November, because he's going to be *very* busy in November. Gia said "Ok, that's fine, but -- I wasn't initially jealous, but I might get jealous if you start seeing her more than me!" He assured her that wouldn't happen. Sitting in the back seat, I began to get very melancholy. I thought about Eric getting with this girl twice in a week and a half, while Gia and I hadn't been together sexually in a month and a half! I mean, what sense does that make??

I kept telling myself that it wasn't a fair comparison, that she and I spend loads of time together doing all sorts of fun and creative things, while he's only seeing this girl for sex, and so of course sex is what they do. Gia values time together in a different way, and has more interests and activities than he does, and, and and... yeah. I closed my eyes and focused on not looking distraught and let it pass.

By the time we got to the party, I was feeling better. I mostly spent the night keeping an eye on Bee, he's at the stage where he can walk pretty well and is keen on exploring. It was a perfectly pleasant evening, if nowhere near as exciting as the last one.

Afterwards, back at their place, Eric laid down with Bee, while Gia and I stayed up so she could share some new perfumes she'd just gotten with me. We went through them all, and then we were just sitting there, alone in the living room, in the middle of the night. I reached out, touched her arm, smiled at her. She leaned in and kissed me. I kissed her back, then began kissing and sucking on her neck. She's mentioned more than once how much she likes that, how much easier it is for her to handle versus kissing on the lips, since having someone's face right in her face can trigger her anxiety. She seemed to take well to what I was doing, so I kept at it, checking in verbally a couple of times to make sure it was ok. I progressed to rubbing her back and shoulders, she just got more and more relaxed and euphoric-looking.

With just a little convincing, she agreed to come with me to the back room, where we would be partially hidden by her crafting table on the off chance that one of their roommates happened to pass through. She sat in a chair, one leg hoisted up, and I knelt below her, and... well, you can imagine. She told me I was a good girl, ran her hands through my hair, let me leave my face resting against her thigh afterwards. We chatted, idly, she told me that I do a wonderful job of being a safe space for her. It can be so hard for her to relax, to let go, but she trusts me, and I pay very close attention to her signals, and she's able to get to where she can actually feel good. Mmmmm. Then she made me tea before I went back home, the scent of her still on my lips and fingers.

I was proud of myself about that whole thing. With the way I had feeling earlier in the night, so sad and separated from her, it would have been easy to respond by asking her directly to do more to help fulfill my needs. Talking, after all, is my natural inclination. Instead, I waited for the right moment, then took the initiative to try to seduce her. It made me look sexy and confident and sensitive, and it *worked*. Whereas asking, no matter how much I would have tried to make it sound neutral, would have come off like complaining, like pressure, it would have pushed her away. I'm not opposed to making my needs known, but it's not like she doesn't know this is a need of mine.

So, yeah, pleased that I handled it well. It was very much like this incident, a couple of months ago -- http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=486 It's officially a trend! I still can't say that I'm happy at our limited alone time, BUT, if I can find ways to help convince her to make time for sexytime for the two of us in her life here and there, it makes things so much more manageable for me. In a couple of weeks, we'll have our next scheduled date together, mmm. And until then, I'll keep reminding myself... she gives me all sorts of wonderful focus and attention, she's terribly busy and stressed, it won't be like this forever, it's worth it, so worth it...
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #543  
Old 10-29-2012, 02:59 AM
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Sounds like a good night out with Gia. I love how you're handling the situation with not getting as much alone time / sex with Gia as you'd like. Being patient, paying attention and seducing. Well done!
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  #544  
Old 10-29-2012, 01:25 PM
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Thanks, Mya!

I'm home from work today, because of the hurricane warning in our area (don't worry, I'm not right on the coast, there should be no real danger whatsoever for someone not going out). Aaaand, I'm spending my morning looking at custom collars on Etsy and imagining Gia giving me one for the holidays this year. She would definitely make one herself if she wanted to give me one. I don't think we're quite there yet, really, we're still in the exploratory stage, we've barely even done anything D/s-ish, so what would it even mean to be collared.

Still. When I was a teenager, I never daydreamed about weddings or babies, but I did daydream about this. Owning, being owned. *sigh*
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #545  
Old 11-07-2012, 06:56 PM
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I live in one of the states that legalized gay marriage last night.





Yay!

I watched Bee the night before last. Once again, Gia and Eric went to "cuddle" in their room while I played with Bee in the living room. I cared even less than last time. So, that's very nice. Bee can say my name now, though I don't know if he's yet made the connection that it means me. As usual, we had a lot of fun together.

I went over to their place last night, just to hang out and watch the election results roll in. At one point I was reading Bee a book. He lost interest and Eric scooped him up. But, after a minute, Bee reached back out to me and fussed and said "mama!"

I wasn't expecting that. To be fair, he calls Eric mama sometimes, and has occasionally applied it to others as well, like his grandparents. He definitely associates the word with Gia, but he also seems to associate it with being cared for and with home generally. Still, it was an odd moment, him reaching for me and saying that word. Eric handed him back and I held him for a while longer.

Later that night, Gia and I were hanging out in the living room while Eric was holed up with Bee in the bedroom, working on his writing. He came out, wide-eyed and grinning, excited about a scene that had come out very well. Gia jumped up and gave him a hug. After a minute's hesitation, I hugged him as well. He was standing next to me. I stayed seated, grabbing him around his waist.

Suddenly, the election news feed we'd been watching froze. "What happened?" Gia asked. "I don't know, I hugged Eric and it broke everything," I said. It was meant to be a joke, but the moment I said it I felt a rush of embarrassment, like I'd just revealed a deep, personal fear in too-plain language. *shrug* I'd been drinking a little. No idea if either of them read into it the way I did. The moment passed, the night went on.

With Gia, I feel so at ease. I occasionally clarify what's ok and what's not, but in general I'm so comfortable and secure in her space and presence. With Eric, in contrast, I feel like I'm always aware of the fact that we're not in my house, not in my space. Part of it is probably just my hang-ups, and part of it is probably a very appropriate respect and consideration for someone with whom I'm a friend and guest, not a partner. And then, there's the simple fact that he just doesn't project an air of welcome. It's not part of his makeup, I don't hold it against him.

I find myself, when he's around, being very conscious to not block his access to Gia, to Bee, to his spaces and his things. Without shrinking into myself, I try not to take up too much room. Their house isn't big, and I never want him to feel like his space is made less by my presence, like I'm an imposition to be put up with until I'm gone, y' know? I want him to feel, and to know, that I respect his place in his own home, and that I can find my own spaces of comfort. And so there's this little dance that happens. As just one example, if I'm sitting in his computer chair, next to Gia, and he comes into the room and looks like he's going to stay, I find a reason to get up, to go get some water or something, and invariably he settles into his chair and I settle onto the couch. Like with so much, I don't know if he's as aware of it as I am.

Saturday, my November date with Gia. We're going to a pottery-making class. Tuesday, she and Bee come to dinner with my parents.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #546  
Old 11-21-2012, 05:26 PM
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It's been quite the rollercoaster lately.

Last Saturday afternoon, Gia and I went to an art class together. This was something she had suggested we do a while back, as a date. I brought it back up via email, very specifically in the context of this being our November date, and we agreed on the day. We had a pleasant time and got some food together, which we then took back to her house and ate in the backyard with Bee. Eric had been watching him while we were out, but he's working on a big writing project, so once we got back Gia wanted to give him more time for that.

I enjoyed the day, but I was left feeling like we hadn't had nearly enough time for us. We were out for close to three hours, and, to be fair, that's all the time that she and Eric get on one of their weekday evening dates. To be honest, though, what I really wanted -- what I was craving and feeling deeply deprived of -- was intimate time. Not sex necessarily, although of course that'd be great, but private time, in a bedroom, close, just the two of us. There were no set plans for the rest of the afternoon/evening. I'd said that I could help with Bee for a bit, and Gia had promised that, later that night, she'd do some makeup on me for a costume party I was going to. So, it made sense for me to stick around, but the time was left mostly undefined.

In that context, I think I sort of deluded myself into believing that, because there were a few unscheduled hours left in the day, we would carve out some sort of intimate time together if possible. We hadn't talked about it, I had no reason to believe that our "date" hadn't ended once we got home, but nonetheless I was really thinking this would happen. I guess I just needed it so much that I chose to believe it. I really don't know why I didn't talk to her about it earlier... it's just hard, to always be the one to initiate, y'know? Even when I know that my partner is so much more scattered and busy and stretched-thin than I am. Mostly I get that, and I adjust accordingly, but... not always I guess.

Anyways, we all hung out for a bit and then Bee started to fuss. Gia nursed him and put him down for a nap in their room. Then she turned to me and said it'd be a good time to start on my makeup. She walked into their bathroom to grab her supplies. I followed after her, and said "But, um, if you put on my makeup now, we definitely won't be able to, like, make out later or anything in case there's the chance for that..." She looked confused, and said "The baby's in the room, it's not like we could do anything anyway." "I know," I said, "but what about when he wakes up, Eric could watch him for just a little while?" She looked unsure and sort of brushed me off. I forget exactly what she said, something along the lines of there just not being time. She brought her supplies over to the couch. I followed after her. Eric was sitting at his computer desk, writing.

We sat down, facing each other, and I said, in a hurried whisper, "So, we've decided that this is what we're doing, that we don't want to try...?" She looked conflicted and a little upset, and she said "Ok, we don't have to do this now." She set her stuff aside. At that moment, Eric suggested that he start up an episode of a show we've been watching together. We agreed, and I sat through it, tense, not really enjoying it.

As soon as the show ended, I asked Gia if she'd come outside with me. We sat on the grass on their front lawn and I said "I just wanted to check, it *IS* ok, in theory at least, if we ask Eric to watch Bee for a little while so we can sneak off to your room, if the baby wakes up, right?" She admitted that no, actually, it wouldn't be, she didn't feel comfortable asking him to hang out in the living room with the baby while we had sex. I was flabbergasted.

"But, I just did that for you guys last week when I was babysitting, why wouldn't it be ok?" They didn't have sex then, she said, they'd barely had sex at all in recent weeks, they'd been fighting and had just needed a brief spot of quiet time together, and, besides, she wouldn't have wanted to do that without asking me first. "Um, if you say you're going to go cuddle, and then you disappear for half an hour, what am I supposed to think is happening?? If you didn't have sex just to spare my feelings, then you might as well next time." She looked embarrassed and upset. I felt like such a jackass for not just letting the whole thing go, but I was hurting so badly.

She went on to explain that she didn't like changing plans at the last minute, that she didn't feel very comfortable having sex when other people are in the house to begin with, that she may, in fact, have done it once before when I was there but that it wasn't her preference, and that she didn't feel like she could ask it of Eric now, with no warning, with no expectation on his part that he was still supposed to babysitting. That if we had planned this better in advance, we could have gone to my house instead, where she had no responsibilities and so much less pressure on her.

I told her that all of that made sense, that I took equal responsibility for not talking about things more beforehand, and that I accepted that this wasn't going to happen today, but that in a more general sense it was really, really, really hard for me to accept a complete lack of even the *opportunity* for intimate time together during the once-every-other-month date that we set aside just for our relationship-- one of the SIX TIMES A YEAR that we've committed to doing this -- especially considering that I've been doing everything I can to give her and Eric more space for them to have that. I got a little upset, apologized. Then I said "I mean, considering that Eric knew that this was meant to be our date, would he really mind if--" She cut me off and said that she'd never explicitly told him that this was our date, just that we were going to a class, and could he watch the baby until we came back. "Oh." I said. "I -- huh. Ok." I felt completely crestfallen and confused, doubting my importance to her, doubting her investment in our relationship. It was all emotion on my end, no logic, I was more worked up than I normally ever like to let myself get during relationship discussions. Normally I like to work out how I'm feeling and explain it rationally.

Gia apologized, looking stricken and sincere. She told me that she hadn't been sensitive enough to my situation, hadn't thought enough of my needs, and that she wished she'd had more time to plan, to think about the day together. That she hadn't been thinking of it as a "full date" (whatever that means), that that was a mistake on her part. She said that she couldn't understand what I get out of this relationship. We talked, I reassured her of everything that our relationship adds to my life, how much value I find in it.

The conversation spiraled out into related topics. She talked about how impossible it is to live the sort of life she wants to lead these days. She said that she knew that being a mother would change her life greatly, but that she still hadn't been prepared. She said that she loved Bee very much, but that she regretted the choice now. I was a little shocked, but I assumed that it was normal for new parents to feel this way sometimes, so I just said soothing things. She also talked about how, since she's been off birth control while breastfeeding, her interest in men has skyrocketed, and it's been incredibly frustrating to not be able to make a physical connection with any of her male friends (she's indicated interest to three so far).

At the end of the conversation, I asked if we could set aside an evening in Decemeber to spend at my place. She said yes. I breathed a huge internal sigh of relief. I knew it'd be hard, continuing to wait, but I just needed SOMEthing to hold on to, some way to reassure myself that she wanted me, that she cared about our physical connection, and this would do for now. We went back inside, she spent an hour doing my makeup (so wonderful, to sit with my legs pressed against hers, to have her hands drawing on my face, her scent wafting over me as she worked... and yet such mixed feelings, because she felt she could make the time for this, but not to lie down with me). It came out AMAZING, she completely transformed me, I loved it.

Later that night, Davis and I went to the costume party together, then I spent the night at his place. I left the makeup on overnight, only washing it off the next morning. In the morning, I surprised him and myself by starting to cry. I told him it was about Gia. He didn't ask for more details, just held me.

Phew. Intense. And that's just part one.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 11-21-2012 at 06:02 PM.
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  #547  
Old 11-21-2012, 05:32 PM
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A couple of days later, Gia and Bee went with me to my parents' house for dinner. Not much to report there, it was a perfectly pleasant evening, not awkward at all (I'd been afraid it would be). My sister was absolutely in love with Bee, my parents got along well with Gia, we had good conversations. It meant a great deal to me that she came. I think my parents enjoyed it very much, and Gia also seemed to have a good time.

Afterwards, Gia suggested that we spend an evening together the following week. I was surprised and very, very pleased. All of my longing, and my struggle to accept the status quo, and here she was gracing me with what I needed weeks earlier than I'd thought I'd get it. It did SO much to quell the negative feelings that were still bubbling up for me from the Saturday before.

We've spent some lovely time together since then -- I watched Bee on Thursday, then Gia, Dexter, and I made holiday gifts on Sunday, and then Gia and I hung out while Eric focused on his writing last night. LOADS of time. It's felt wonderful, very fulfilling. Gia mentioned last night that, as a naturally introverted person, its been tough for her, seeing me so much, it eats up all her social energy... but she said that it was worth it, for me. Relationships are work, and this is work she wants to do.

I felt *great* about things last night, really, for lots of reasons. While Eric was out, and Gia and Bee were napping, I did a bunch of cleaning and organizing that I knew Gia had been meaning to get to and that she just couldn't find time for. While I worked, Eric got home, and he thanked me, at some small length, for all the time I've spent with Gia and Bee recently, and how that's allowed him the space to focus on his big project. I felt useful and valued, and like he was letting me see a little more of himself than he normally does.

I was very concerned that Gia would be displeased when she got up -- I hadn't asked first about taking on the task of organizing her stuff, and it could have been seen as invasive, especially since a lot of what I worked on were her art supplies. She was happy, though. She actually said that she was surprised that she wasn't mad, but that I'd done a very sensitive, thoughtful job in how I'd organized things, based on what she'd said she wanted to accomplish.

*sigh* I'm a huge sucker for praise, so getting it from both of them in rapid succession, mmm.

Gia and I also had a short but exciting conversation about sex before I went home. Nothing we're likely to do soon, just ideas, but still...

And tonight is our date!!!! We're going to stop at a shop, then go to dinner, then back to my place. Nervousness and anticipation have driven me to finally take the time to write this all out, instead of, y'know, working.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #548  
Old 11-21-2012, 05:35 PM
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One last thing -- every single time I come over lately, Bee breaks into a grin, scrambles down from the arms of whomever's holding him, runs over, throws his arms around me, and gives me the biggest hug. It's the most amazing feeling, just incomparable. Just wanted to share.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 11-21-2012 at 06:04 PM.
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  #549  
Old 11-21-2012, 09:12 PM
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I was glancing back at my post and it occurred to me that, for context, I ought to mention that they need the space the art supplies were taking up for a party they're hosting on Friday. If it hadn't gotten done she would have just ended up needing to throw it all in a box. Hopefully that makes my choice to do it for her seem less crazy.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 11-22-2012, 08:51 AM
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Way to go in expressing yourself. I am sure in the moment it must have been intense, but it seems it was perhaps good that it came out and you didn't have time to convince yourself out of it.
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