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Old 10-25-2012, 08:15 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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BlackJester-I added the pics of tats to my profile, in the album.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 11-21-2012, 01:05 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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re: whether or not BDSM can be a healthy dynamic, it really depends on how honest and aware you are of any emotions brought up by the ways you play, and your ability to deal with these things.

I like the body/mind fuck of kinky play, but combining this with poly relationship dynamics sometimes meant an extra layer of negotiation. For example, I noticed that my first partner became less interested in rough sex after I got together with a second partner who also enjoyed kink (we're more of the fluid/switching kind of folks, but here I'm thinking particularly of me subbing and them domming). After a lot of unpacking, we discovered that my first partner had assumed inferiority to my second partner in this department - the latter having more brute strength, being more passionately vicious etc. And when we (the two of us) would play with d/s or s/m dynamics, my first partner couldn't help feeling like I'd prefer it with my second partner and, not wanting to be a poor substitute, simply wouldn't be into it.

We both could have continued to superficially play like always, and not addressed our feelings. But talking was essential to keeping it real.

The same skills which help with poly in general (open, honest communication etc) would make BDSM dynamics work, I reckon. Good luck and have fun
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Old 11-21-2012, 03:07 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Poly and bdsm in any ratio can be healthy. Communication was already mentioned so I won't dwell on that.

What I will dwell on is the importance of separating the two emotionally and intellectually. Poly is not bdsm, bdsm is not poly, and it's important to understand the details and intricacies of each, in and of itself.

Inevitably, you will stumble over something at some point. Everyone does, both in poly and bdsm. No one is born an expert in both fields. You learn through experience.

So it's important to have as much information as you can get about both poly and bdsm. It's important to know what kind of activities are poly (eg. dating another person) and what kind of activities are bdsm (eg. gangbang). Then when problems happen, it's important to analyze: what parts of this problem are within polyamory, what parts are within bdsm, and what parts come from combining the two?

Personally, I would probably pick one to focus on first, get comfortable with it, and then explore the other. That's just how I would do it, and not necessarily a recommendation on how you should do it. But that approach has two advantages. First, if you have an issue right away, you know exactly what the issues is from. Second, you get to spread out the discovery more... Sure, you can have an explosion of polyamory-bdsm... but where do you go from there? If you spread it out, you get more explosions. There's a limit to how awesome one experience can be; eventually you reach a point of diminishing returns.
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Old 11-21-2012, 06:19 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi Jester

Like a lot of other people here, I agree that kink and poly can go hand-in-hand, rope-on-wrist, paddle-on-ass, etc... ~grins~

I like Schrodinger's suggestion to perhaps explore one thing at a time.

I know from experience that for me *personally*, too many rocky things can make me topple. I'd rather deal with one new, potentially emotional or stressful situation at a time, than pile them all up at once. But then, I'm a scaredy cat and you may be braver.

Hmmm... as for BDSM and poly... do you specifically mean in terms of say... Master/sub relationships tending to be monogamous, therefore, where's the room for other partners? Or do you mean in terms of health and safety?

I am a Domme and unlike a lot of Mistresses and Masters, I do not actually believe in the idea of submissives having to stick to one dominant...yet Dom/mes being able to have multiple submissives. I feel that if I want multiple submissives, all of them can play with other Dom/mes. If I got to the point of collaring a submissive, I would arrange rules that we were both happy with; but definitely not a blanket "you are my submissive, you must not date anyone else". That kind of 24/7 control is reserved, in my eyes, for Master/slave relationships.

As for safety... I feel it is the same as any other kind of poly. Make sure you use protection, discuss what kind of sex is ok (everything? no oral? no fluid exchanges?) Get regular STI tests, etc.

BDSM can be a great mechanic in poly. Both my girlfriend and I are Mistresses and her husband is a switch. If I can eventually have a girl, she can have a boy and her husband can join in, then we have a little poly group that is safe and trustworthy, yet still flexible and fresh.

I hope that helps to answer your question!
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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