How do i...

[LovingRadiance]

I'm a great example of 'some choices defy reason' and possibly not a good one to talk. I also understand perfectly well loving two men, as I do.

But seriously-I have to wonder, if you have so much incompatibility with this person, what is it you DO have in common? Because attraction does not make a relationship viable (nor does love)....

[snowbunnie]

He makes me smile, blush, and feel like I'm special. Don't get me wrong Ben can as well, but's it's refreshing to actually see it, feel it, and have it offered to me from another. I guess wanting to make it work with someone who would be extremely complicated to even have in my life just makes me stupid.

I think I'm going to crawl under a rock now.

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by snowbunnie

...I guess wanting to make it work with someone who would be extremely complicated to even have in my life just makes me stupid.

I think I'm going to crawl under a rock now.

Oh dear! You don't need need to feel bad! I, and most people here, don't think you are stupid - just caught up in the flood of new possibilities and attraction, which tends to make us view situations through rose-colored glasses and believe that all things are possible. (Which is likely some kind of survival mechanism - if we saw everybody's flaws in stark reality before we had a chance to get to know them and love them very few relationships would get off the ground )

Originally Posted by snowbunnie

He makes me smile, blush, and feel like I'm special. Don't get me wrong Ben can as well, but's it's refreshing to actually see it, feel it, and have it offered to me from another.

And there is nothing wrong with that! Enjoy it! Bask in it!

...but don't bank on it. Relationships are built out of more than attraction (or even love). Just because you have feelings for someone doesn't mean that you have to pursue things to any particular level. You can enjoy a crush or a flirty friendship, enjoy his attention, etc. without necessarily taking it any further.

The folks on this board, looking at the information that you have provided from an outside position are just pointing out that poly (and relationships in general) can be hard enough without throwing additional hurdles into the mix. Especially, if this is new to you (and them). And communication - being such a foundation for any relationship, mono or poly, can be a real sticking point even if people speak the same language.

JaneQ

[GalaGirl]

Aw...I don't think you are stupid.

I think you are under a hot and heavy crush thing. I'm just saying go slow here. Assess the lay of the land first before doing anything.

If after a calm assessment of your fitness to take on THIS kind of relationship with THIS person? Like -- "ok, systems check -- I'm good in myself and fit for the mission!" Next you check in with him to see how he feels about exploring all that-- if HE is willing to go there after he does a systems check of himself. Is HE good in himself and fit for the mission? (Ben will have to also be good in himself and fit for the mission. ) Nobody ever died from going slow, and waiting to let the "pink fluffy cloud lala" feeling to clear a bit so they can do a solid assessment of themselves, their potential poly partners, and the poly configuration that could be built here.

THIS is what this relationship will take to fly well. Do I have what it takes? Does the rest of the crew on this potential polyship?

I love the pink fluffy lala feelings of a crush -- it is FUN! Enjoy that part of it while you are at that part of it.

A time and place for everything, and everything in its time and place.

YOU are the pilot of your life destiny. Don't rush off to build things, and don't NOT build them. But rather get there in a good time of your choosing.

If you feel like "Yes! I am fit! I am prepared and realistic!" Go for it, chica! Ask him if he's interested and what HIS fitness for this mission is. Enjoy all the little steps in the discovery/dating process!

Galagirl

[snowbunnie]

Last night was kind of en eye opener for me.

He threw up some red flags and while if he threw himself at my feet I'd be excited, but I'd probably have to turn it down, and it has nothing to do with the complications that i've already listed.

Here's the kicker: I do believe he's sleeping with another married woman from work, and her husband has no idea seeing as he works and is gone for days at a time. While she was there, he wouldn't give me any of the normal attention that he usually does, and as soon as she left he was all over me once again.

I remember when he first kissed me. I got all excited and need to let off some of the excitment and I told her(the married woman). The next day he was all pissed off at me, why I don't really know, but I do have my guesses as to why he was upset at me. Either way, I'm taking other avenues and I'm 98% sure I am not going to bother with him anymore.

I guess GalaGirl was right, I crushed, and crushed hard on this guy and it really sucks for me that it's not going to work.

[LovingRadiance]

No, I don't think you're stupid. Maybe a little bit naive-but we ALL start that way! Every single person on the planet!

I wrote a blog post recently regarding a crush. I'll share the link.

It's ok to enjoy a crush-but as an above poster said, just don't bank on it.
Sometimes they work-but having a crush doesn't make something feasible. Figuring out if it will work takes time.

http://aafteota.wordpress.com/2012/1...omething-else/

Good luck! [Don't take constructive questions and criticism as a personal attack. We're trying to help-but we have only a few words here to go on, we can't see the whole of your situation. So, sometimes our perspective may be skewed. We're basing our responses on probability (what the TYPICAL result is) and the small amount of info conveyed in a few posts]

[GalaGirl]

Ack... I am glad you did not get in deeper then if it turns out he is not honest in his dating life. That having a cheating affair thing does not flatter him. I am glad you missed that soap opera in the making. Whew!

GG

[snowbunnie]

Thanks GG, I appreciate it.