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Old 12-26-2009, 12:18 AM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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very often P sends me cute or nice messages by cell phone. later he forgets hes done it and shows me the same message on his phone saying look what L sent me! or L sent me this message and i thought it was sweet so i sent it to you.

is it silly to feel bad when finding out that an interaction i had with P was simply an interaction L had with P before me? wierd question I know.

I am most likely over reacting, and I talked to him about this but i might be silly. I just get this initiall feeling of "special" and him thinking of me. only to then be told it was just a message L sent to him. also it bugs the hell out of me when we recieve the same text messages from P. i dont know why. maybe im being ridiculous.
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Old 12-26-2009, 12:48 AM
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It would bug me too, if it were the only text messages I was receiving from him. I wouldn't want to feel like my communications with my guy were just recycled from someone else. It's ok sometimes to send the same message to multiple people, but really, I don't think personal/romantic/sweet messages are the types of things that you "cc" people on.

If it were me, I'd mention it.
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Old 12-26-2009, 01:49 AM
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For me-If I send a forward to both my men, I have also sent it (most likely) on to my sister. (cute, lovey dovey, friendly type)

OR

it was intended to be a message that would be helpful to OUR V relationship.

IF I'm sending a message that is "I love you and you mean so much to me..."
then EVEN if I have the same BASIC feeling for both-I will actually send two messages. Because they EACH need to know I love them INDIVIDUALLY.

I don't think it's "rude" for him to share with you a loving cute forward that he recieved, regardless of who he recieved it from. In a way (while I do understand why it might bug you) I think it's sort of endearing that he thinks of you when he recieves these messages from her....

I think that it's also VERY important that he remember to send you messages he writes himself that are for you individually-BUT I also think it will be helpful if you don't ask things that you might not want to know..

Example: my husband doesn't want to know if I got a sexy, sweet, loving message from my BF that I then forwarded to him. So he doesn't ask WHERE I got it. He focuses on the fact that it made me think of him and I sent it to him. I'm also smart enough to be sure that there isn't anything notated in it that would suggest WHERE it came from-regardless of who sent it to me.

He KNOWS I have a boyfriend (we all live together) and he KNOWS we are intimate and we have a boundary list. But he's not comfortable with hearing or seeing the details of our sexuality-that's ok, he's not bi-(nor is bf) so there is no need for them to be TOGETHER in that if they don't want to. BUT if he doens't want to hear, he can't ask questions that may have that for an answer either... because then he puts me in a bind-our relationship needs to be built on honesty and truth, but also on respect of needs/feelings. Putting me in a position to have to choose WHICH (truth or respect of his need to not hear about it) by ASKING a question that would require either a lie-or him to hear about what he doesn't wnat to hear about, he's setting me up in a very unfair way...

Did that make sense?
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Old 12-26-2009, 01:51 AM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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yeah ive thought of mentioning it but i have a feeling hell think its juvinille that i get jelous over something stupid like this. i sort of do anyhow.

perfect way to explain these as "Recycled" text messages.

I am sort of all over the place when it comes to posting because I am super ADD and write free association style so im glad what I meant could be understood properly
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Old 12-26-2009, 01:55 AM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Example: my husband doesn't want to know if I got a sexy, sweet, loving message from my BF that I then forwarded to him. So he doesn't ask WHERE I got it. He focuses on the fact that it made me think of him and I sent it to him. I'm also smart enough to be sure that there isn't anything notated in it that would suggest WHERE it came from-regardless of who sent it to me.

He KNOWS I have a boyfriend (we all live together) and he KNOWS we are intimate and we have a boundary list. But he's not comfortable with hearing or seeing the details of our sexuality-that's ok, he's not bi-(nor is bf) so there is no need for them to be TOGETHER in that if they don't want to. BUT if he doens't want to hear, he can't ask questions that may have that for an answer either... because then he puts me in a bind-our relationship needs to be built on honesty and truth, but also on respect of needs/feelings. Putting me in a position to have to choose WHICH (truth or respect of his need to not hear about it) by ASKING a question that would require either a lie-or him to hear about what he doesn't wnat to hear about, he's setting me up in a very unfair way...

Did that make sense?
Totally. I dont ask anything, typically he forgets hes sent me something then goes on to tell me about the message L sent him. I think to myself "oh you sent me that". but yknooo. I told my bf originally when introduced to polyamory that I wanted a "dont ask dont tell" policy but within days realized I kinda want to know what my bf is doing with other people even if it might make me feel a bit jelous. I tell him I dont want to know about your hott sex, everything else is okay.
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Old 12-26-2009, 02:36 AM
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My H and I have a sort of don't-ask-don't-tell policy. I don't date anyone who he doesn't know about, but I don't go into detail about dates, or what we do or anything else. Right now I'm actively looking for another partner, so I'll tell my H that I have a "meeting date" for drinks after work, but we don't discuss them. He'll ask me in a general way "how did it go?" and I'll respond in a very general way ... "nice guy, but we prob won't go out again" or "I liked him, we'll see" or whatever. But I just don't go into detail.

Ok, all of that said, if I've sent something to my guy that makes me smile, I won't cc it to my H or send them both the same thing in the same email. I will write a separate email to each of them, even if it takes me a few more minutes to write two emails than to do just one.

I NEVER send affectionate messages to both of them in the same words. For me, anything affectionate or loving is about what *they* represent in my life and not something I can express to both of them in the same words.

Also if my guy sends me something funny or sweet or cute or whatever and I think my H would like it, I'll copy and paste it into a new email to him, rather than just forward it.

Maybe some people find that overly careful or overly paranoid, but given that my H is not involved in my relationships with others, I want to be as respectful of him as I can. I want to make sure that he's never put in a position to feel that he's playing second fiddle to whoever I'm dating (especially since we have a different sexual dynamic and so it would be easy for him to feel marginalized in other ways).

Obviously, as with everything, the disclaimer is that this is how I manage *my* relationships and how it all works for me/us.
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Old 12-26-2009, 04:35 AM
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Crisare-

that's a much more explicit way of explaining how I deal with my hubby too.

I may send the same message-but not in a way that allows (or forces) him to see who it came from.

I almost NEVER hit forward-like you were saying-for ANYTHING to anyone.
I almost always copy/paste it and put it in a new email and send it on that way.

Also-I get what you are saying about saying it in a way it's meaningful in terms of the relationship you have with each of them. That is also true for me. The only major difference is that since we do live together there are many issues (especially threads on here) that I will send to both of them together on purpose so that they both will read it and the three of us can talk about it-because while we do not all 3 share a sexual relationship-we do all live together and raise our family together, so many day to day lives are pertinent to all three of us.

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Old 12-26-2009, 04:40 AM
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Quote:
Also-I get what you are saying about saying it in a way it's meaningful in terms of the relationship you have with each of them. That is also true for me. The only major difference is that since we do live together there are many issues (especially threads on here) that I will send to both of them together on purpose so that they both will read it and the three of us can talk about it-because while we do not all 3 share a sexual relationship-we do all live together and raise our family together, so many day to day lives are pertinent to all three of us.
Oh yeah .. I think if I were ever in a situation where 3 (or more) of us lived together - or if I had a b/f who was single and able to be more involved in my life (which might happen in the future, who knows), I can see situations were 3 way emails would be much more appropriate and useful.
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Old 12-26-2009, 03:15 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
very often P sends me cute or nice messages by cell phone. later he forgets hes done it and shows me the same message on his phone saying look what L sent me! or L sent me this message and i thought it was sweet so i sent it to you.

is it silly to feel bad when finding out that an interaction i had with P was simply an interaction L had with P before me? wierd question I know.

I am most likely over reacting, and I talked to him about this but i might be silly. I just get this initiall feeling of "special" and him thinking of me. only to then be told it was just a message L sent to him. also it bugs the hell out of me when we recieve the same text messages from P. i dont know why. maybe im being ridiculous.
Hi Glow,

Well, it seems there might be a couple ways you could interpret this and that will be your CHOICE
One thing it seems to illustrate though is that he's thinking of YOU. The message regardless of the source triggered thoughts of you in his mind. You can CHOOSE to view that as a positive thing. So maybe that initial "feeling" is not invalid ? Trust your gut. I suspect this type of situation would have quite a variety of reactions among different people.

A second point, and one I'd kind of watch out for, is that it may be his way of dropping a hint ? I don't know how much you might drop him a quick little affectionate message - or forward something cute, but this may be his (slightly immature) way of telling you he wishes you did more. This could put undue pressure on you to reshape your personality in ways that are just not natural to you. Some of this can be good - we all evolve over time - some can be viewed as manipulation.

So for me, I wouldn't necessarily attach any special significance to this, but just use it as one of those "hmmmmmm-interesting" moments and really try to see if it really has any hidden implications. It may be nothing more than an extension of his personality & communication skills. Sometimes we speak/act out of the best intention without a lot of analysis into the bigger picture outcome. That improves with practice - and communication

GS
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Old 12-26-2009, 09:02 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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hey GS thanks for the wise advice. i do send him affectionate messages, sometimes I wonder if too often, I have let up a bit because I dont want to be too clingy as it is a major turn off. I am not too disdraught over this at all, its really just a learning experience and Im thankful to have you all share your experiences in this area with me as well. =)
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