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Old 11-19-2012, 06:42 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I have, via this thread, which may be read by other women who have miscarried without previous children. I prefaced it to you because you were the one who brought up the "differences", and you may know people going through something similar.

I understand that you feel the grief is "different". I felt, when I made that post, that the phrasing -

- implied that the grief experienced by non-mothers was less overwhelming for a less-lengthy time (it was the use of the word "especially" that conveyed that implication to me). I have been grieving my first miscarriage for 10 years and still find myself overcome by grief when I watch my nieces and nephews reaching milestones that "my baby" should have been reaching - I hate myself for feeling jealous when my sister gets to watch her second child graduate from pre-school when I am denied that experience even ONCE (...okay, for the record, I had to take a break in this post there...I had to go have a good cry...the boys are completely flummoxed as to why I have suddenly broken into silent tears...)

Similarly, with the statement -

- the qualifier "When you've already experienced mother hood" did seem to imply that those of us who haven't experienced motherhood didn't experience the "grief of losing a child" as though we didn't experience "all the things you wondered about. The hopes, the dreams,..."

I understand that you were speaking to the OP, that is fine. I was speaking to you and the countless others reading these (public) forums.

In all actuality, I don't know that the grief is different (you'll have to ask someone who has experienced the loss in each scenario). My grief for each of my two miscarriages was different - I was at a different place in my life, my relationships, my approach to potential motherhood, and my expectations (my two miscarriages were 9 YEARS apart - each month of non-pregnancy between the two bearing its own mini-grieving process... I had failed yet again).

I have seen women with no children and multiple who had mixed feelings about their miscarriage. I have seen women, in each case, at either extreme, feel relieved or devastated. I don't know that you can generalize.

Wow, this is quite the derailment. Maybe you felt like your grief was undervalued, I'm not sure. Sure seems so. If you did feel those around you didn`t appreciate what you went through, that probably added to the pain. I am sorry for your loss.

However, the thread was about the Op's issue of planning for an upcoming pregnancy, not a platform for miscarriage.

Since you took exception to the word 'especially' it had to do with the added dynamics when you have already carried a child to term. That realism of a baby that hits you smack-in-the-teeth when you give birth, and the tricks the brain plays on you with the lost of the next one. These things can`t be known otherwise.
NOT for the amount/measurement of grief/hurt one feels.

Before this turns into 'My miscarriage sucked worse then yours' can we get back to the OP now ?
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Old 11-20-2012, 01:20 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Default My Apologies

My apologies to the OP. Please disregard my earlier, irrelevant, posts.


With regard to the fact that:

my husband is not okay with the idea but also has very logical and valid points on why he is against.
If your husband had only vague and emotional arguments against your having a child with your boyfriend, then there might be more room for discussion and a greater chance that he might come to terms with the idea over time. However, there are some very real ramifications that need to be addressed or agreed upon and if you are not on the same page...?

For instance, in many jurisdictions if a wife has a baby while married, then her husband is, for all intents and purposes, considered the father - regardless of whether his sperm were involved. This is termed the "presumption of paternity" (or "legitimacy"). In my own state:

...The presumption of paternity stands for the principle that “a child conceived or born during the marriage is presumed to be the child of the marriage.” The Pennsylvania Supreme Court maintains that the presumption of paternity is “one of the strongest presumptions of the law of Pennsylvania”...
If boyfriend flakes and takes off, your husband would be legally and financially responsible for a child that he neither desired nor helped create - that could be a major stumbling block for many people.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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baby, family, polyamoury, polyandry

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