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  #1  
Old 11-19-2012, 06:58 PM
snowbunnie snowbunnie is offline
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Hi!

So I just recently discovered polyandry. I've known about polyamory, where one man has multiple women in a relationship, and I wondered about the flip side of that, what if one woman had multiple relationships with men.

I currently have one boyfriend of three years and I have another possible boyfriend, but I am afraid to pursue it because I don't want to "mess up" what I have with bf#1.

I also have feelings of selfishness and guilt because while I'd like to have another relationship with another man, I am not okay with the current bf having another relationship with another woman. I am however okay with him having fwbs.

Does this make me a bad person, because I really feel like it....
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  #2  
Old 11-20-2012, 12:15 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi snowbunnie,
Welcome to our forum.

I don't think you're a bad person; it's good that you're being honest with yourself about what your boundaries are, and what works for you. Maybe you'll feel different in the future, but that's not that important right now.

A bit on terminology; polyamory would include both polyandry and polygyny, as polygyny is technically the situation with one man and multiple women. There are also situations (within polyamory) that include both multiple men and multiple women.

Does your current boyfriend know you have this other possible boyfriend? Even if nothing comes out of it, it might be a good idea to tell your current boyfriend about the thoughts and feelings you're experiencing.

Take some time, too, to familiarize yourself with this site, learn a lot from the various threads, and post any questions you may have. This will help you get a better idea of what to do in your own situation.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #3  
Old 11-20-2012, 02:43 AM
snowbunnie snowbunnie is offline
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Yes the current boyfriend knows about the possible bf. I wouldn't even be considering another man if the first one didn't know. If he didn't know then that is cheating and just wrong.
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:54 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowbunnie View Post
So I just recently discovered polyandry. I've known about polyamory, where one man has multiple women in a relationship, and I wondered about the flip side of that, what if one woman had multiple relationships with men.
You may want to visit our Glossary - you've got your terms a bit mixed up. Polyamory isn't only one man with multiple women; it is an umbrella term for any configuration of multiple loving relationships. Polyandry means a wife with two or more husbands, and polygyny means a husband with two or more wives; these terms, obviously refer to something that is illegal in most places.
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Old 11-20-2012, 03:37 PM
Stevenjaguar Stevenjaguar is offline
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I think you should bring it up with bf#1. A surprising number of guys are okay with sharing a girlfriend as long as they know what's going on and they feel comfortable with who the other boyfriend is, i.e. not drug addicted, dirty, promiscuous, etc. I've been in that position a couple of times in the past, before I'd ever heard the term polyamory. In one case her boyfriend wanted to date another girl and she figured if he could, so could she. In another, she rekindled a relationship with an ex. while we were dating. In both cases I knew all about the situation and they let me know my wishes counted for something in the relationship even if I couldn't tell them what to do. In one case I knew the other guy fairly well, and in the other I never met him. I don't think it matters much. (my current situation involves her relationship with her high school girlfriend, but that's a little off subject)

Whatever you do, be above board with everything and if one wants you to tell him details of your relationship with the other, understand that it's probably his way of dealing with insecurity and heading off jealous feelings and since it's part of the life of a woman he loves I think it's ok to talk about it with him.

The more I learn about other peoples' relationships the more I find that it's not all that uncommon, people just don't talk about it much.

Last edited by Stevenjaguar; 11-20-2012 at 03:41 PM.
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Old 12-28-2012, 10:42 PM
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River River is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowbunnie View Post
I also have feelings of selfishness and guilt because while I'd like to have another relationship with another man, I am not okay with the current bf having another relationship with another woman. I am however okay with him having fwbs.

Does this make me a bad person, because I really feel like it....
It doesn't mean you're a bad person, but it may mean you have a need to practice some empathy with your boyfriend. By which I mean you should perhaps imagine how you might feel if the situation were reversed.

The exercise I'm advocating (above) can't be handled in a quick and trivial manner. Don't hurry through it. REALLY imagine a reversal of the situation ... and how that would feel for you.

The phrase "double standard" comes to mind here, though usually double standards involve differing groups of people in which a certain group has less privilege than another. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_standard
In this case, I don't think you hold more social power or privilege than your boyfriend. It's more a case where you seem to want to offer him less than you would require for yourself -- regardless of privileged status. Specifically, you don't want him loving others but you want the freedom to do so. You'd like to restrict his freedom while enjoying your own.
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  #7  
Old 02-22-2013, 04:32 AM
bigkellyna bigkellyna is offline
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I was wondering if you ever had any poly talk with your bf1? Did this possible new bf just happen along? I assume your primary is as solid as 3 years gets at least... do you think you can come to terms if he wants to start with another also? We all need to start somewhere, we all hope you can work it out...
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