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  #41  
Old 11-11-2012, 07:26 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I keep coming to write this and then just can't find the words. Having another go this morning.

So - my old love's confusion and problems appear to have been from a urine infection. He has had a course of antibiotics and is now much better. Infections are so awful for the elderly, I think.

I feel much more stable. I think that the past couple of years have been harder on me than I had realised. Most of the bad stuff hasn't been happening to me and so I didn't think it could be affecting me that much. But, my dad was very ill with dementia for a few years before he died early this year - it completely changed him from a happy, cheerful man into somebody frightened and often aggressive.

During some of those years I was caring for a dog who also suffered from an illness (her's was an autoimmune thing) that caused her to behave aggressively sometimes - luckily for me her aggression was always directed at my other dogs and not at me. But still, caring for her was emotionally draining and very upsetting. She eventually died of her illness.

I miss my dad every day - he and I were very close. And I miss my dog every day - she was such a sweetheart and it was horrible to see the way her illness changed her.

But still, what I'm going through now is grieving and although it's often sad, I find that it is possible to go through it. As I do, I'm feeling better. More like myself.

Much less clingy with my SO. I feel relaxed, at ease and secure in his love right now.

We did have some painful discussions a few months ago where we both felt that it might be better to do the work to go back to being friends. At the time, it felt like being partners was just too much work.

My SO was/is under lots of stress and was doing what, it seems, is a pattern for him. He was asking me to be there to support him but was offering very little love and support in return. I'm lucky - I have friends who have known him for a long time too. They tell me that this is a pattern of his. He has a tendency to just not be available to friends when they need him. In the past he has lost those close to him because of this. Or if they aren't lost, they tend to be less close to him than he wants them to be.

He and I discussed this tendency of his. We talked about the work it would be to change it. I talked about how I wasn't willing to remain in a partner type relationship with him unless it did change - but that we could be friends if he didn't feel up to putting the work in.

Since then things have been better. He is making clear, visible progress. When he slips and I point it out, he will discuss it with me and we are able to get past it. So - for the moment, things are good.

For me, I feel so much like my old self that I have no real attachment to the outcome. I would very much like for my SO and I to be together for a long long time as partners. But, if it were to turn out that wasn't to be, I'd be sad but okay.

I have lots of friends around me and I love being single so I would be fine.

Things are much better now. I'm more relaxed and I think that is helping with the work that my SO is doing.

Life feels good right now.
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  #42  
Old 11-18-2012, 07:20 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Or I should say that life feels good and bad.

Although nobody in my life is ill or dying right now, at work things are different. One colleague's 14 year old daughter has cancer and is undergoing chemo, another colleague is being tested to see if she is a bone marrow match for her brother who has cancer. And one of my colleagues has bone cancer and is in hospital. We are all close, having worked together for over a decade and having supported each other through several illnesses and deaths of each other's friends and loved ones.

Our closeness is wonderful and we all appreciate it. It does make work a slightly bleak place just now - so often our conversations surround illness and how to help our loved ones.

My SO also has been experiencing some stress at work and he has slipped in our agreements in the last week or so.

We have talked again and again I have offered that if being in a close, intimate relationship is just too much work for him, we can go back to being platonic friends. He doesn't with for that to happen so we have done some replanning and rediscussing the importance of sticking to agreements - to hopefully allow both of us to be comfortable in our relationship.

I am very grateful for all of my friends who have spoken to me about what goes on between my SO and I - they offer their own perspectives and ideas and help me cheer up - with love and no attachment to outcome.

It seems that I am good at choosing friends and having excellent people in my life.
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  #43  
Old 11-27-2012, 07:10 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I find myself this year among the ongoing death and illness, feeling like I want to keep my loved ones close. I'm making a more conscious effort to tell people when they say or do something that makes me smile, helps me deal with a problem or helps me to feel more connected in the world.

I hug my close loves as much as I can too.

And sometimes I stay at home and cry. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with sadness and worry. I try to let it come and just have it be part of me. There is such an enormity of grief in my life just now - my own and that of others that sometimes crying and staying in wrapped in sadness is all that I want to do.

IP
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  #44  
Old 11-27-2012, 10:05 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Such is life huh ?

It often hurts a lot.
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  #45  
Old 11-28-2012, 07:29 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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True, bella123456, very true. Just the way of living - things hurt. Lots.

And also there are times of deep joy
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  #46  
Old 11-28-2012, 09:36 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Yes, deep joy. I say "yes" to deep joy, and therefore " yes" to life.

You can cut the numbers 123456 if you like.
That was a momentary lapse of reason upon joining. Momentary lapses can happen
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  #47  
Old 12-02-2012, 10:08 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Will do, Bella.

So - I have been thinking recently about just how much people fear change and how worried we get about losing people close to us. A conversation with a friend reminded me.

My friend has recently met a new boyfriend - they've become very close and she's falling in love. It's wonderful to see and I'm really happy for her. Another friend of her's is struggling. She feels jealousy at the time the new boyfriend is taking up and has found it hard to even speak to him.

This doesn't seem to me to be unusual - I have had several friends go through the same thing when they start a new, significant relationship or when a friend of their's does.

I've felt that sort of loss and jealousy myself when my oldest, closest friend started seeing her now husband (also a close friend of mine). Our time together was suddenly much more limited and I just didn't seem to be as important to her any more. That was all 20 or so years ago and it all settled down - we are all still close and I very much feel like my friends' marriage is one of the constants in my life that helps it to feel more safe.

But of course, that doesn't always happen. I have known old friendships, mine and others, dissolve or become strained to the point of breaking because a new relationship happens.

I have seen myself and others be threatened and/or controlled when trying to start new friendships, romantic relationships or maintain existing ones.

Most recently for me was over my brother's now ex girlfriend. At the start of this year when our dad was dying, she was amazing at supporting the whole family and in particular, our mum. They spent masses of time together and did things like cooking together, watching telly together, shopping for funeral clothes together and putting together photo albums of dad. When my sis and I spoke about this to a friend of ours, she was horrified. Told us that it was completely inappropriate and said that we should have been annoyed with the girlfriend and told her to back off. We thought it seemed odd to deny our mum some comfort in a difficult time and realistically, neither of us had enough spare time or space to do those things. We were 100% supportive of mum developing a strong relationship with our brother's girlfriend.

I do wonder if it was partly because we are used to new 'children' joining our family. Our mum wanted 4 and was only able to have the 3 of us. So our childhoods were characterised by mum befriending extra children. Usually they were friends of one of ours who would end up spending lots and lots of time with us.

It is interesting and I wonder if the tendency to keep our parents to ourselves and our friends is also partly to do with the common tendency to want our loves to love only us?

IP
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  #48  
Old 12-19-2012, 07:24 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Oh goodness, I've been feeling sad the last couple of days.

I had a sweet lunch with an old friend of mine and during it we were talking about the holidays. Brought back the sadness of last year. Mum being under so much stress and worry over Dad.

And Dad developing pneumonia - on Christmas day we visited him and spent an hour trying to waken him up enough that he could even see us. He never woke and was in hospital a few days later.

He never became fully conscious again. He was off his dementia meds, the pneumonia was never brought under control and in the end, the hospital stopped hydrating him. We watched him dehydrate to death over the course of a couple of weeks.

Things are much better this year but still - I miss Dad and wish he were able to be with us, dementia free and as happy as he always was.

He would have so loved this Christmas. My sis's parents in-law are 2 of Dad's oldest friends and sis and her SO have decided to invite the entire family for lunch.

So feeling a bit down - spending the evening knitting and then am going for a hot bath and a read.

So much sadness in love. And so much happiness - we're lucky to all get along, to be able to spend time together. I'm lucky. I will wake up in the morning in the arms of my SO. He does not celebrate Christmas and doesn't wish to join our gathering so he will stay at mine with my old, dear love and read.

When I come home, I will be able to spend time with him and with both my loves.

So sad and yet feeling very lucky all at once.

IP
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  #49  
Old 12-20-2012, 09:41 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Sometimes life is just brutal. Not long after I wrote yesterday, my old love became ill. His condition was serious but treatable if one quickly enough. Sadly, the emergency medics chose not to treat him quickly and by the time they did, it was too late for him and he died.

Like my Dad, he died in a strange place with nobody he loved holding him. The good thing is that he didn't suffer. He was fine and then he was knocked out and then he died.

My SO came up last night to be with me, my sis is on her way to see me and my friends have all offered support.

I am lucky to have all of them and was lucky to get to share 11 years with such a love. He changed the course of my life forever and he touched the lives and hearts of many in the UK.

This is the third year in a row that I've lost a loved one and I hurt. Sometimes life is just brutal.

IP
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  #50  
Old 12-20-2012, 12:46 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Very, very sorry for your loss of someone so significant to you.
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