Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #281  
Old 10-02-2012, 05:34 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

I've been so busy with all the practical stuff around moving that I've had little time to think about what it is I want. Some stuff is obvious to me. I want to study and I will need to work (and want to start working already). I want to uphold my relationships with my partners. I've thought a bit about volunteering, but I will have to see if I have time for that.

But what else do I want in my life here in the Dream City? I am actually in a new kind of a situation of sorts, in that I am moving here with the plan and the wish to be able to stay here. For now, until further notice, maybe even for good. So, this thing, if I have a choice, it doesn't have an expiration date, as some other phases have had. Where I was last, I knew I would only be for 4 years (which changed into 2).

I would like to make some local friends. That is a hurdle in itself. Socialising with new people is somewhat exhausting. Well, at the university I will have to do it to some extent, so I might as well see if I meet somebody interesting. But another thing I came to think of is that maybe I'll go to the polymeet with Mya some more times. It's not every week so it's not too much, and there might be some people with friend potential there, too.

It might be fun to have something like that with Alec, as well. We don't tend to be very active without a specific thing, but I enjoy doing stuff with him. Dream City is such a big place, there's bound to be something affordable we both want to do and which would be a semi-commitment. I.e. we don't need to go, but there's something we are planning to do on a specific day so that it isn't killed by the phenomenon where you never get around doing something because you can do that any day and it's more effort than something else. Have to see what he thinks, and what there's going on.

Hopefully I'll get around looking into what is going on some day now before the phenomenon strikes again...
Reply With Quote
  #282  
Old 10-23-2012, 01:04 PM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 342
Default

My friend from Home Country just paid me a long visit, it was really nice. Before that I visited rory and Alec in their new place for the first time. We went shopping for a bit and it was really nice. I hadn't spent time with Alec in a long time and I had almost forgotten how nicely we get along. Me and rory thought that it would be nice to spend some more time as a group than we have so far after moving to Dream City. I think Alec would also like it.

I'm going to visit Home Country next week. I have plans to see family and friends, including JJ and Bob. I'm really looking forward to it. I've been keeping regular contact with JJ and we get along perfectly. He's always there for me if I need help. Sometimes I wonder how come I let him go, but then I remember the reasons, especially the big reason that we just can't solve.

I feel a bit nervous about meeting Bob. I feel like neither of us have no idea what's going to happen when we see each other. I guess I'll just go with the flow. We had a really nice and funny chat the other day and I smiled the rest of the day because of it. No arguing this time and I was really happy about it. I remembered again why I like him. His sense of humour is quite weird and I can understand if some people don't get him. But when I got to know him better I started to get it, and now I find him hilarious.
__________________
Living with Hank (partner) and rory (ex-partner/friend), also dating Ray
Reply With Quote
  #283  
Old 10-29-2012, 02:41 AM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 342
Default

It was my birthday recently and I celebrated it with rory and a few friends. She came to my place in the morning and brought a doughnut with a candle in the middle to my room. Aaaww! Then she gave me the sweetest present, I was so touched. What a wonderful way to start a day. Then we got ready and met my friends at an event we were all attending. The thing is, the friends are also my coworkers. These two have known about rory and the whole situation for quite some time now so I was happy to introduce rory to them. I was quite nervous about the fact that there was supposed to be another coworker attending that I don't know that well. I panicked a little in advance about what do we say if the topic of rory's other relationship comes up. But I guess I got lucky because she joined us very late so we were there at the same time only like an hour and during that time the conversation didn't go to that topic, which was good. I'm not totally out of the closet in the office, but a few coworkers know. We have quite a relaxed office and the reactions I've had so far have been mostly positive. I'm constantly coming out little by little. There are so many things to come out about! Like, some people know I'm bi, some know I have a girlfriend, some know I've been married to a man, some know that I'm in an open relationship and a few know about the whole package.
__________________
Living with Hank (partner) and rory (ex-partner/friend), also dating Ray
Reply With Quote
  #284  
Old 11-03-2012, 10:27 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

Coping with studies&work. Thankfully I really enjoy my studies and I also enjoy the food I can buy when I get paid for my job.

I am seeing a pattern of behaviour and I'm writing to get it clearer and also so that maybe some solutions could be teased out of it.

My energy levels vary and with all that I have going on I, on occasion, 1. feel like I don't have enough energy. When I feel this, I often feel that I am doing so much I cannot put myself to anything properly, but doing things I need or want to do halfheartedly is not really something I am willing or even able to choose. It is just in my nature to commit and focus fully on whatever I am putting my energy into. Thus, when in low energy, I feel the need to recharge i.e. free time for myself without having/being expected to do anything (no matter how pleasant).

So, I feel this need for recharging. I have at various points learned ot adjust my life to this need, e.g. with a live in partner I have my own room/space separately. However, at the moment the new thing I need to adjust this with is having a partner live in same city but not living together.

So, the need for recharging manifests itself and so I feel like I 2. wouldn't really have the energy to do something I've planned with a partner. This is a different situation with a live in partner, since we'll still be seeing each other when I'm at home (even if I make use of my room a lot). But, for example, I might feel like I don't have the energy to go to Mya's the following night but would rather go home.

Now, if only things were as simple to do what I know I need to, i.e. at this point I should 3. communicate about this with my partner and make some changes in plans. I am working on getting better at expressing what I want and need, but it's a slow process, and so often when I need to express a loved one what I want (/need) it's all bundled up in emotional baggage.

It's a whole process to first get over my own obstacles on the way of acknowleging the need/want (because, you know, I want to have endless energy and be able to do all this stuff that I enjoy and also makes other people happy, and I really really have problems accepting the fact that that's not how I function). I endlessly question that feeling of needing to recharge, because it's not something tangible and I don't want to listen to it.

And since the admitting my own needs and talking about them and asking for something I want from my partner is emotionally difficult (even though I have a long history of proof that my partners are awesome people who want me to be happy and are willing to listen and don't punish me), 4. the communication process actually feels more energy-consuming than making no changes in the first place.

Summary: when I have low energy --> I need to recharge, but in order to recharge I need --> to do things that I don't feel like I have the energy for. But then I don't end up getting the recharging and you see the problem?

Potential solutions:

- I could get rid of the baggage and expressing my wants would become not-such-a-big-deal. This is ideal because it gets to the bottom of the issue instead of simply treating the symptoms. However, I am actively working on in and it doesn't seem that this particular baggage is going to be totally gone anytime soon. So I need to treat the symptoms, too.

- Different, i.e. less energy demanding way of communicating. Might be practical, but I don't have many ideas of what this would look like and also don't know how much a change of method would alleviate the issue.

- Adopting a more concrete framework, something more tangible for me to work with than the feelings of low energy. Something like spoons. I came across that a few days ago, and haven't looked into it, and apparently there's debate about whether able-bodied people should use the spoons as energy concept, but then there's also this cultural myth about how all people are so able except for those that are disabled, and then there's also the thing about my status in the health continuum, and so I won't go into that more. Maybe a separate post, when I have enough spoons to post one?

- Something else I haven't thought of..? Suggestions are welcomed.

Last edited by rory; 11-03-2012 at 10:32 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #285  
Old 11-03-2012, 01:28 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,204
Default

I don't have any concrete suggestions but I can empathize fully. For me, I know that just being around people (other than my boys) and being out of the house are both draining and that I need both preparation and recovery time. MrS knows this and Dude is learning.

For instance, in the morning I know I need an hour of reading/drinking coffee/lounging to "wake up" and prepare for the the day. When I get home from work I need another hour to "unwind" - change into lounging clothes, have a beer, check these forums, etc. During these time I don't mind that they are here but I don't want to talk/touch/engage with them. Dude was always trying to hug/ engage me right when I walked in the door and I would get all irritable. Now he knows to ask "are you 'home' yet?"

Also, for me, I don't like doing social / out of the house / being around people things on the spur of the moment - it's like I need time to "garner my resources". For example - The other day I get home from work, do my "unwinding" and am looking forward to a lazy evening. Dude wants to go out to a restaurant for dinner (MrS is out of town). I do NOT - I have just been at work all day - and leaving the house to go to a place that contains people just sounds exhausting. With MrS this would not be a problem - he is fine with going to a restaurant by himself, but Dude wants to go to the restaurant with me (because he knows I would enjoy the food there and wants to share it with me). So he counters with the suggestion that we go the next day - when I only have 1/2 day of work and can come home for an afternoon at home before going to the restaurant. So, now I have a day to prepare mentally AND a plan for recharging beforehand - I agree.

I try not to agree to plans that don't allow me adequate preparation / recharging time in the first place. So I rarely have to back out at the last minute. The boys have learned/are learning to accommodate this - and will just make plans with each other to go do stuff, with an open invitation for me to join them but without the expectation that I will.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #286  
Old 11-03-2012, 04:16 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,421
Default

Rory, I'm not saying that this is what is going on for you - but one thing I would look at personally is this: when you have the thought, "I don't have the energy" is it really that you lack energy at the moment, or is it just a story you tell yourself to avoid something? Because a lot of times we have been trained (either by ourselves or someone else) to tell ourselves one thing rather than admit something else. If we think it is a failing in some way to be hesitant about meeting some challenge, or if we feel insecure or undeserving to go out and enjoy ourselves, as some examples, it's much more "convenient" to say, "Oh, I'm out of steam, I need a break." I find myself saying I am overwhelmed a lot, but I know a large part of that is really not wanting to look at anything to do with my divorce because it makes me feel like a failure and a reject - so I'd rather be overwhelmed and stressed and go to bed than to feel or admit any of that!

So, what I would look at it I were you is how I feel when I do take that break and give myself time to recharge. While relaxing, do I really do nurturing recharging things, or am I just feeling relieved that I didn't have to go do something I didn't want to do for whatever reason? And of course, with the awareness you find, it's important not be be critical or judgmental of whatever you discover - 'cause it's fine either way. But it just helps to know ourselves better so we don't have to keep telling ourselves fibs.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-03-2012 at 04:19 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #287  
Old 11-05-2012, 11:08 AM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 342
Default

Sometimes it makes me feel like a difficult person when rory expresses that she has a hard time asking for the things she needs. Even though I know it's not about me. I have told her that it's ok if we spend less time together / don't meet when she doesn't have the energy. But still she feels like it's difficult to express this. I don't know what to do to convince her that I won't be upset if that happens. When she tells me that it's hard to ask for spending less time together and at the same time she's making plans to see me, it makes me wonder what is the thing she actually wants and is she making plans with me just to make me happy. Nycindie's comment was interesting and I'm looking forward to hearing what rory has to say about that. Maybe there is something she's avoiding doing with me? I'm a big girl, I can handle it if that's the case.
__________________
Living with Hank (partner) and rory (ex-partner/friend), also dating Ray

Last edited by Mya; 11-05-2012 at 05:06 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #288  
Old 11-05-2012, 11:30 AM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 342
Default

I'm on my way home from Home Country. It was really nice to see family and friends! Things are very good with JJ. We met and talked, I packed the rest of my things and he was planning his visit to Dream City to see me. My mom said that this is a prime example of what a divorce should look like. We still want what's best for each other and there's no bitterness or anger. I'm glad there hasn't been any drama.

Things are good with Bob as well. We are still FWB, but now it's just long distance. We meet when it's possible (mainly when I'm visiting Home Country) and meanwhile keep in touch. We had a few difficult and emotional conversations and as a result we seem to understand each other better. He did mention that he is open to both exclusive and non-exclusive relationships, so it is very possible that one day he's in a monogamous relationship. We talked about whether we have enough in common to keep this friendship together if there's no sex and intimacy. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
__________________
Living with Hank (partner) and rory (ex-partner/friend), also dating Ray
Reply With Quote
  #289  
Old 11-07-2012, 02:03 AM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 338
Default

Mya - sounds like an interesting discussion with Bob. Cool that you're able to talk about this stuff, get some clarity of where each of you is coming from

rory - I have similar experiences to this, I think, often triggered by my failure in other areas (not relationships) but it flows on. I want to be whole-hearted in what I am doing, but inevitably I need to cull/prioritise the things in my life so I have enough energy for everything.

When I'm juggling things, and I feel like I'm dropping some of the balls, I feel like I need to stop, reassess myself, and restart. I can't just keep going with the next thing and the next thing. If the "next thing" is quality time with a partner, even if there's no particular issues between me and them, I might not feel like hanging out with them. I want the option of 'me' time instead, or first, or whatever. Even a short time. And I may not even need that.

It's just that, if there's a commitment to do something else, and I feel like I'm not altogether right with my own shit, I would like the option to break that commitment. It's a weird thing to have to say. It's like you need time out from being reliable.

Thing could be way off-base compared with how you're feeling. But at times like that, it helps when I'm with people who know me and the way I process. Their acceptance assures me I don't have to go into details when I need some space. I can just flag it, and take it, and I get what I need, and I'm back.

It can be hard, though, when you're all tangled up, to find the right words. I liked that 'spoons' article. A simple way for me to say what I feel, at times, could be: "I know have a commitment with you but I'm tumbling a little bit and I might need me time. Can I be unreliable and see how I feel?" If there's already a context of understanding around this, things can really be that simple.

Glad you're working on it, and hope you find a way through that makes sense to you. Recharging when you need it is so important! (Though I was intrigued by nycindie's take on things, above. A good counterpoint and something I will take on board too as a challenge to myself in those times)
Reply With Quote
  #290  
Old 11-16-2012, 01:36 PM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 342
Default

fuchka: Yeah, I think it was interesting too. I'm glad we can talk about these things, but it's not always easy for him.

---

I've realised a few things about Bob. Throughout our friendship we've had this same conversation many times where he thinks I'm trying to turn this into a relationship and me convincing him that I'm not. The problem is that we see friendships very differently. My friendships are usually very deep and I tend to talk quite openly about everything to my friends. I also keep regular contact with my closest friends and talk to them often. So basically when I treat Bob the same way I treat my other friends, he gets the feeling that I'm trying to make this into something more, because his own friendships don't work like that. It is quite frustrating at times because I feel like I need to treat him differently than my other friends. But the last time we met and talked I realised something. He has actually took a few steps toward truly understanding my point of view and taking it into account. I just hadn't noticed it because I was looking at things from my own perspective and from there it didn't look like much. When I realised that for him these things are actually something he doesn't normally do and he's making an effort, I started to appreciate him more. They are small things but I value them a lot now.

The other thing I realised is actually more about me. I like getting to know new people, flirting and the excitement of wondering whether they like me and whether this is going somewhere or not. I'm sure I'm not the only one but yeah, I like that unfamiliar territory where you don't know anything yet but there is potential for something. These kinds of situations happen all the time and 90 % of them don't go anywhere beyond flirting. But they're fun and I enjoy them. And this is also why I enjoy being in an open relationship. It's not so much about the actual sex with other people than the freedom. I absolutely love the feeling that anything could turn into something (sex, a relationship or something else) if both of us wanted it. And what has this to do with Bob? I feel like with him I get kind of best of both worlds. He's not a stranger so I know I can trust him and I know that he likes me on some level. But at the same time, there's always the uncertainty, from his side at least. I never know what goes on in his head and when we meet I get the same excitement about not knowing what's going to happen. By this I don't mean that I expect it to suddenly turn into a relationship but the fact that I always wonder are we "just" friends or are the benefits still there. At times he questions whether he can keep this up so I'm always left wondering how he's going to feel about this the next time. It's not all positive though, it makes me nervous too. But it is what it is, I'm just trying to make the most of it while it lasts.
__________________
Living with Hank (partner) and rory (ex-partner/friend), also dating Ray
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bisexual, boundaries, communication, foundations, ldr, long distance, nre

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:27 AM.