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Old 11-16-2012, 12:42 AM
deadstars deadstars is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
Default opened up, hurt someone...

I am 27, and I am in a relationship with a boy similar age as mine.
We have been together for nearly 4 years now, we talked since the beggining about the very fact that even starting up monogamous, at some point we would hook up with someone, and that this would be ok, eventhough we have never had it in a relation before and knowing that it would be hard since it is a new thing for both of us.

We both avoided in some occasions to hook up with other people because we thought it may hurt our partner based on the moment we were at in our relationship.
In his case he avoided it because he thought we weren't in a right moment because of a period with arguments, in my case, because I thought it wasn't the moment too, and more recently because he is being ill for 2 years and a half.
The illness has not exterior symptoms, though makes him tired a lot of the time and the thought of going out partying makes him more nostalgic about how he was feeling before than actually having fun.

So we talked about me hooking up with other people since he has been ill, about me feeling strange with the idea, because I didn't want him to feel like the illness is the reason for me to look for other sexual partners.
He explained that he is not expecting me to not do this because he is ill and that it would be as ok as if he wasn't ill.

So, 2 years and a half with the illness and we are working and hoping for recovery, during this time, same way as when he wasn't ill, I've missed some invitations and flirtations but 2 weeks ago I finally went along with this one and actually had very nice sex with this boy about my age, I've explained both him and my partner what happened and all of them were happy enough with it.

I spend the next weekend after the hooking up with my partner together in the countryside,
coming back to the city, on the next weekend, I went out and I hooked up again with this boy with whom I hooked up two weeks before.
Is when I explained it to my boyfriend that drama occured.

He now is really upset at me, because I haven't left much space inbetween one first hook up and the other, he says I literally have hooked up with this person every time I've gone out at night since the first time. And now it just feels like boom, there is a sudden lifestyle change.
He also has a lot of feelings about the fact that he doesn't go out like me so he is not part of this possibilities himself and the fact that this makes him realise he is not part of the same nightlife I participate and lots of his friends participate with.
I feel very sad because I knew I should have left more time inbetween a first and a second time but I didn't do it and I just followed my impulses
and because my boyfriend thinks is just me that is having fun. And I'd like it if he had fun too, also because I selfishly predict that it would make things less stressful.

I want to see again the boy I hooked up with, I really liked the lusty sex we shared and at some point I would like to repeat it, but now my boyfriend is so hurt that I feel I am in no position or in a very bad moment to talk about any of this.

Apparently it really hurt him the way I oppened up about this second time, I read the ethical slut recently but that obviously didn't give me enough skills to explain sensitively about this second time...
I did it late, 4 days later than it happened, because I thought the previous days were too stressful to communicate this, but that is not what bothered him,
is the fact that somehow I haven't been sensitive enough.

I am scared of how much I hurt my boyfriend, I realise what I did could have done better and now I don't know how to talk with him about this again.
Because I thougt I was being sensitive, but it didn't work at all...
I realise aswell that the issue of him begin ill eventhough what previously has been said is sth that accounts as a high stress factor in this situation, and I don't know how to go with it without feeling terrible.

HELP!

Last edited by deadstars; 11-16-2012 at 01:16 AM.
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