How "out" are you as poly, really? And why?

[BoringGuy]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

You can always use external smileys, just insert them as an image...

Yeah but in addition to being boring, I am also lazy. The two go well together.

[MeeraReed]

Originally Posted by Emm

*waves*

I'm working on "regular", but I don't think I'll ever be "frequent".

I found that dropped significantly once I was able to tell the well-meaning busybody that I'd had my tubes tied.

Thanks, Emm! I do recall some of your posts. Nice to "meet" you.

P.S.: I'm hoping to have my tubes tied someday if I can ever afford the procedure. And to celebrate the occasion, I'm going to have a tube-tying shower! (Where should I register for gifts?)

[oneofthree]

My 2 partners and I are out. A bit of a background story though....I'm currently 29 and I spent 14 years identifying as a lesbian. And then I met my "Babygirl". She was (and still is) married to a wonderful man who I ended up falling deeply in love with also. So my male partner only had to come out as poly whereas my Babygirl came out as pansexual and I came out as "not as gay as I thought" (I still don't have a label for my sexual orientation). Because of mine and "Babygirl's" profession, we began our relationship very much in the closet. But as time went on, I was tired of being seen as a dirty little secret. These are my partners and yes, I want to join in on marriage and be able to call them my husband and my wife. With these thoughts, being in the closet just wasn't an option anymore. I do worry about my career but it will not get in the way of my happiness!

[Marcus]

I'm out, everywhere but work. I work at a bank, arguably the most conservative organization outside of the Catholic church.

I don't volunteer information to people just for the hell of it, but if it comes up in conversation or anyone asks directly, they get the truth. As far as everyone outside of work, I am atheist, polyamorous, anarchist.

Dems da facts, anyone who doesn't like it is entitled to take a walk.

[AggieSez]

Originally Posted by swadvice

Active poly the past 20 years. We are honest with each other and those we bring into relationships but we choose to keep it withing our personal circle. We are and will remain in the closet because; 1) it is our personal choice much like our spirituality it is ours. We have an inclusive accepting nature we employ in our every day busy life. 2) Respect the personal views of others. Some of our friends, family and colleagues would not understand and could be conflicted by our choices.

First off, I understand, and respect, you and your spouse's decision to remain closeted. As I've said, everyone should be free to choose how out (or not) they wish to be.

But I'm curious about how this works for your additional partners. Specifically, what kinds of secrecy, closeting, or other limitations on poly "outness" do you and your spouse expect your additional significant partners to abide by?

For instance, could you give some examples of things they might do or say that would make your or your spouse uncomfortable, or that might be a dealbreaker for you?

Also, do you clearly discuss your expectations re privacy/closeting with your additional partners up front, or do you only address issues as they arise?

How have your additional significant partners responded to these limits? Do they generally agree, or disagree?

Finally, are you and your spouse open to negotiating *with your additional significant partners* about closeting/secrecy limitations that would affect them? Or are these non-negotiable conditions for a significant relationship with you?

Thanks :-)

- Aggie

[MoonElf]

I was literally forced out of the closet. xD

Me and Peaches have been "poly in theory" for a long time now, but only recently I actually started another relationship. We were out only for my sister.
But I was seen by friends with my new partner and I couldn't find it in me to deny/hide him from anyone. Seemed unfair and disrespectful towards him. So me and CC (new partner) talked about it, and decided to be sincere with whoever asked about it, but refrain from anouncing it. XD

Since this I had to deal with my very traditional-catholic and old fashioned mom finding out. This was the hardest part, but she's comming around.

I talk openly about it to friends and work coleagues when asked and so far so good. Raised a lot of questions and a few mean comments, but nothing too bad.

[Cleo]

Originally Posted by Cleo

The only people we're not out to are our parents. My husband wouldn't care about telling his, but I'm very hesitant about telling mine. They're old, very conservative, don't deal very well with talking about personal stuff, and we are not very close.

But, lately I've been feeling bad about lying to my mom about my whereabouts. Our conversations are pretty superfucial, so they often deal with where I've been and what I've been doing, and it has happened a couple of times that I said I spent a quiet weekend at home when I was in fact at my BF's (he lives in another city where I know noone else, so telling her I was visiting a friend in city X would be too weird). So, I don't know, I might tell them one of these days... am really dreading it though.

My husband has told his grown daughter some time ago he had a 'special friend' and she knows, but has said she doesn't want to discuss it with him.

Which makes me wonder... IF I tell my parents, what would I tell them? The easiest thing for them to stomach would be: "I'm in a serious second relationship, and btw so is Ren, and we're also still happy together".
The truth ("I'm exploring having lots of different relationships, spend a lot of time in city X with my BF, but also a lot of time with other guys") would be different I guess.....

well, as of yesterday, I'm out to my parents as well.
I can't really tell if it went well or not... which means I'm not really sure what their reaction will be, in the long run. But I know I'm immensely relieved that this secret has gone from my life.
More here.

[Hannahfluke]

I sent an email to my siblings this week letting them know that we're poly. The two who have responded so far have been really positive. "We love you and even if we think this is a little weird, we accept you for who you are." We'll see how the other three respond. Also need to talk to my mom about it. This means we're only not out with my husband's parents and at work. While we might come out to his parents, I doubt we will at work since who knows what type of can of worms it might open.

[MeeraReed]

Originally Posted by Cleo

well, as of yesterday, I'm out to my parents as well.
I can't really tell if it went well or not... which means I'm not really sure what their reaction will be, in the long run. But I know I'm immensely relieved that this secret has gone from my life.
More here.

Glad to hear it, Cleo. Keep us updated on how they process it.

I have family members whom I don't really want to be "out" to, but eventually it will get to a point where I'm lying, which I don't want either. My conversations with these relatives (my grandmother and my aunt) are purely superficial (where have you been, etc), but I speak to them several times a week. And they both feel that they're close to me; but they can't grasp how judgmental they are about every little thing.

I think it's easier to be "out" as poly when you have several relationships that are stable/working well/happy. Then you have "proof" that your choices are healthy & happy & working for you.

But, I've found it was really hard to be struggling with poly issues and not feel that I was able to be "out" to anyone.

[HereticHousewife]

When my relationship went poly (I'm the "hinge" of a MFM "V") we decided that we would each choose how "out" we wanted to be about it, based on our own personal comfort zones. I couldn't force my other significant other into a closet, but I couldn't drag him out of one against his will, either.

However, we had a bad experience early on that left all three of us very wary about who we felt safe being out to and more than happy to stay in the comfort of the closet.

What happened was that I felt okay telling one of my oldest friends that my platonic male friendship she knew about had developed into a romantic and sexual one, and it was all above board and my husband was not only accepting but happy about it. Unbeknownst to me, she was emotionally unstable, and had some very serious fidelity issues going on in her own marriage and my revelation triggered her into a full-blown freakout. She went into rage and attack mode and made threats to out us to our families, employers, friends, community, etc... if I did not break it off immediately. She claimed to be doing this for my own good, taking drastic measures to "save my marriage". I told her I could handle my love life without her help and my O.S.O wasn't going anywhere. So she decided he must somehow have had me brainwashed, and decided to target him as an outlet for her rage. She started stalking him online, made up fake profiles on social media sites to gain access to people he knew, and contacted a few women to "inform and warn" them that he was cheating with a married woman and trying to destroy her marriage. She posted what little personal information she knew about him on some "cheaters" website. And sent emails to me trashing him. Lots of frothing, raging, psychotic, hate filled emails. What got to us wasn't just her threatening (and actually) outing us without consent while justifying it as concern, but the level of anger and hatred she had going on while she did it.

The three of us are all really laid back, peaceful (and conflict avoidant) people who just want to live our lives without hassle. The thought that *one* person could wreak so much havoc in our lives and potentially cost us jobs, homes, friends, etc... made all three of us decide together that it was more important to be safe than to be out. But, over the years, we've come out to select people as we feel comfortable doing so. Various family members, friends, and coworkers know and are fine with it. A couple others weren't and decided to no longer be friends with us because of it, but that's their right. The neighbors know something is up, but not exactly what, and we really don't care what they assume.

So, we're out to who we each feel okay being out to, and that's what works for us.