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  #81  
Old 11-13-2012, 10:24 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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He certainly doesnt have a problem speaking his mind. Lol. Unless it involves his emotions. I dont even know how i feel about anything anymore. Im frustrated. I do NOT like this 180 shes done. Anymore i feel like shes trying to "replace" me. She comes over and cooks. She sends him little things to take hunting. She makes his thermoses. I guess i just feel not needed much lately. He says i have nothing to worry about. Nobody could replace me. Idk. Im not in a good place mentally since seeing the change in her since her admission. I noticed too that she dont even text me anymore. She leaves it up to me. I did not say nothing negative about her admission. I was only positive. So idk what the problem is. But im fed up.
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  #82  
Old 11-14-2012, 10:21 PM
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You should think of some specific things to ask her to do (e.g. let you make his thermoses) that would ease your concerns. Ask her directly (in person would probably be best). Remember, communication works best when it doesn't contain implied accusations (or "tough talk" like "I don't like your attitude"). Instead, stick to describing your feelings as needed (while owning those feelings and not blaming anyone else for them), asking for specific things that would help you, and bracing yourself to "be the better person" in case she doesn't handle it well. As the saying goes, it's more important to be kind than to be right.

You may need to approach Hubby too, and tell him that you need him to understand that you do have worries about being replaced. See if there are any specific things he can do to ease your concerns, and ask him directly. Sometimes the other person's answer is "No," but then you try to negotiate a compromise.
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  #83  
Old 11-21-2012, 05:41 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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So i think i have figured out what my problem is...after much questioning myself. Since her admission of being in love with him...i have been having a difficult time dealing with the fact that now its not just a purely physical need for her...and that i am not the only one who makes love to him anymore. And i guess that before she fell in love with him...i at least had that for myself. That i did these little things because i love him and wanted to show that. Now she does too. I have voiced my fears of being "replaced". Hubby is very reassuring to me. He says that even though she may be in love with him...he is not with her. Its just very difficult being a truly hard wired mono in this type of thing...and i dont think some people who arent really understand that. Maybe im wrong. So far...she wants nothing to change as far as "places on the ladder" or the "hierarchy" goes so to say. Though i have noticed lately that he is much more reserved with his shows of affection toward me when she is around. He says he doesnt want anyone getting jealous...and laughs. I know hes just joking and at the same time respecting her feelings...but it kinda stings. And of course i have voiced this too.
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  #84  
Old 11-21-2012, 10:57 PM
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During the time I've spent on poly forums, I've observed that it's not uncommon at all for someone to have a fear of being replaced, or to have emotional difficulties when their partner "falls in love" with someone else. For some people, their partner having sex with someone else is what bothers them. For others, it's the emotional connection that seems more threatening.

Some things get easier with time. But you should persist in communicating your feelings, whatever they are.

Even if it is awkward, you might want to spend a little quality (platonic) time with Hubby's girlfriend. Such as a girl's night out, or that type of thing. Sometimes having a better friendship with someone makes them seem like less of a threat, and they feel less threatened too. Yes, this girlfriend may be afraid you'll pronounce the ultimate veto, and kick her to the curb. That doesn't mean it's a rational fear, but some fears are irrational. Being in a V situation, I've found that it does help to spend time with the other "leg" of the V.
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  #85  
Old 11-22-2012, 04:44 AM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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I am more threatened by the emotional aspect. I dont know why...but i am. I have slept with people i wasnt emotionally attached to...so i understand the physical aspect. I am more afraid of taking time away from us. We dont get much time together as is. Our lives r hectic and EXTREMELY busy.

Her and i are VERY good friends. Shes one of my best. And im sure shes afraid of getting "booted". I did get out of him that her being in love with him doesnt "feel right". Im not sure what that means. He says its cause him and i are married...and hes only in love with me...and doesnt want to b in love with anyone else despite what they may feel. Plus hes pretty sure she is just infatuated and not really feeling wut she thinks she is. I dont know. He is so wonderful. And i am so lucky to have someone like him.
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  #86  
Old 11-23-2012, 03:22 AM
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Perhaps a (difficult) talk is in order between him and her. She may have expectations that will get disappointed later on down the road. Better to get things on the table now, before she gets too invested in this. Something to the effect that his involvement in terms of time and emotion will be limited. She should decide if that's something she can live with.

If you guys keep the communication channels open, I'm sure you'll come out okay. There may be some more bumps in the road first, though.
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