Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-12-2012, 08:38 PM
Oneironaut Oneironaut is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 5
Default Possibility of first poly relationship?

As I mentioned in my introduction, I'm new here and I'm looking forward to reading your stories. Here's mine. I'm hoping you can help me out.

About a year ago I was in a funk in my private and professional life when I met a beautiful and fascinating man a couple of years younger than me, who I'll refer to as A. We were instantly attracted to each other the moment we met, not just physically but personally. We had a lot in common; we were both poz and highly sexual, we are both rather boyish and "alternative" (I guess) with similar interests, and we were both in transitional phases in our lives (he was just getting back into school and I was preparing to do the same).

While the sex was hot, there was definitely something more going on. We spent a lot of time sharing, being close and just getting to know each other. It turned out we had some mutual friends so he had actually seen me before and thought I was attractive long before I even knew of him. I was so excited to have met someone so interesting on so many levels.

The only thing was that he had been in a relationship with someone in New York for about 18 months prior to meeting me, and their relationship was in the air. He was very open about this from the start and I tried to understand. It was hard on him having strong feelings for me while being uncertain about his primary open relationship. He would get close to me, then pull away, and this pushing and pulling was really hard on me. I knew I could fall for him and he knew he could fall for me. He would say how he was capable of loving more than one person and how there were things about me and his boyfriend he loved that he wished he could bring together somehow.

Eventually, things came to a head and he ended our romantic relationship. Though I understood why, I was very hurt and we didn't communicate at all for 8 months. In the interim our lives changed drastically. I was excited to be going back to school and my life was in a much better place for growth. Meanwhile, his boyfriend (who I'll refer to as B) had moved to MA to live with him.

At the end of the summer, he got in touch with me, saying how he didn't like the way things ended up with us and how he wanted us to be friends again. We met one afternoon and talked about it and there was definitely an attraction there still. We were soon back in each other's arms in the grass under the sun, catching up and sharing as we used to. He was very eager for me to meet his bf, and I briefly did. B is very handsome and equally interesting.

For awhile there, I didn't expect anything more. I was busy with school so my mind wasn't on it too much and I just figured even if we never spoke again, I was much happier with the way things ended up this time. We stayed in touch via text and Facebook, but I wasn't really expecting much.

However, not long ago, we had our first triad date. They came over, we made dinner, talked a lot, snuggled on the couch watching movies and had amazing sex. They had never had a threesome together before and I was their first. It was very nice because all three of us were equally into each other, and A seemed very happy to be spending time with me again. He even suggested that B and I spend some time together on our own at some point.

Last night we had another amazing date; incredible sex, lots of snuggling, getting to know each other even more, dinner and a movie. Again, A seemed very happy to see me again and there was no hiding it. We were all very free and open with our affection. B and I were learning more about each other. They had just gotten a new bed and seemed to be trying it out with me, trying out different ways of napping and snuggling together. There is this feeling of domesticity and warmth when we're together, which is what I loved about A in the first place. As much as the sex, I love sitting in the kitchen together, cooking, joking and sharing, all very easily.

Now I don't know if it's just me, but I have this feeling they may be interested in pursuing a triad. There are hints; A saying he could love more than one person and being so eager for me to meet B, the fact that I'm the first person they've spent this kind of time with, A suggesting B and I spend time alone together, and just the general vibe. I'm not sure though because I do feel I could be falling in love with them both and I don't want to be seeing stuff that isn't there. I'm afraid to bring it up directly. Maybe they will suggest it if or when they're ready and I just need to be patient.

So I guess my question is, do you think it sounds like things really are going that way, or is just me being hopeful? Should I just be chill and let it play out, or should I bring up the idea of a poly relationship myself? I have absolutely no idea what the protocol is for this sort of thing, so to speak. I've known A for over a year but I've only known B for a few months, so I don't know if the "three dates before getting more serious" rule applies here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-12-2012, 09:26 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,223
Default

Quote:
Should I just be chill and let it play out, or should I bring up the idea of a poly relationship myself?
Let's keep it simple.

Do you want to wait and see how it unfolds or do you want some clues? That's only something you can decide. Some people like the not knowing and the unfolding in a mysterious and exciting way where they do not know where it will end up at or what choices there may be on the table. Some people want to know the potential to unfold to a certain place is at least on the table as a "maybe." Because if it is not even on the table why bother? They want an unfolding that at least has a chance to go to a wanted destination. It's worth the trip to them to find out if it reaches there or not.

Are you interested in a triad with them?
Sounds like you are. You could ask them -- "What is this we have here? Is this just friends with threesome sex benefits and that is all it is? Or is friends with threesome sex benefits with a potential to grow out to a triad situation? How do you all see it?"

And then see what the answers from each one are. Go from there and determine if they want similar things that you want too. Then you can decide for yourself if this is going to be worth further investment of your time or not.

When you say you are afraid to bring it up directly -- what does that fear speak to? What do you think would happen that is scary to you?

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-12-2012 at 10:43 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-12-2012, 09:50 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Just try not to confuse sex for love and intimacy. Keep both feet on the ground and be present rather than drifting off into fantasy, as you develop your relationships with them. And if you want clarification on what each of them is looking for with you, the only people to ask is them!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-13-2012, 04:16 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 581
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Just try not to confuse sex for love and intimacy.
This.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-13-2012, 06:06 PM
Oneironaut Oneironaut is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 5
Default

I'm a pretty open and sexually liberated guy, and great sex is in no short supply. There is certainly something more going on here, I guess I'm just not sure how much more. My favorite moments and memories have been of just being together. When it was just A and I, I loved spending time just studying and working together, not even really doing anything with each other, more like doing our own thing in each other's presence, maybe taking some time to snuggle and eat, then off on our own separate ways; nothing sexual about it.

With B in the picture, it's been equally easy with no expectations of sex, at least not on my part. As B and I have gotten to know each other better, I told him that I like how warm he is. He's got a gentle soul and a sensitive artist's spirit that I respond to. They're both warmhearted guys and maybe I like that it could feel like home or a like a family if we were together.

That's where the fear of asking comes in. I guess I'm afraid they don't see things quite the same way, and I'm imagining all this. I'm afraid of being disappointed. And I'd like to know where this is going before I'm any more disappointed because depending how I feel, I may need to distance myself from them, or stop seeing them altogether.

We've only had two dates, so I feel it's probably too soon to bring this up directly. Maybe after one or two more, if things are still this way, I should find a way to bring it up.

I guess I'm also wondering what you guys think. Does it sound like it might be something they're up for? For those of you who've been in similar situations, how did you reach that point?
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-13-2012, 06:27 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,223
Default

Quote:
I'm afraid they don't see things quite the same way, and I'm imagining all this.
Only way to find out how they see it is to ASK.
Only way to find out if you are imagining or not is to ASK.

Quote:
I'd like to know where this is going because depending how I feel, I may need to distance myself from them, or stop seeing them altogether.
The only way to KNOW if you need to cool jets or not is to ask.

Quote:
I guess I'm also wondering what you guys think. Does it sound like it might be something they're up for? For those of you who've been in similar situations, how did you reach that point?
So basically you know you want to ask. It's just WHEN.

I just ask from the get go. I don't understand this "3rd date rule thing."
I like knowing possibilities are at least on the table and there aren't any glaring dealbreakers from the start so I don't invest time/energy developing a relationship that just isn't going to be a runner.

I don't need to know every little detail. I love the unfolding and getting to know someone. But I want to at least know I'm at least shopping at the right store!

YKWIM?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-13-2012 at 06:30 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-14-2012, 04:30 AM
Oneironaut Oneironaut is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 5
Default

I guess I just worry that it's too soon to bring up taking things to another level after such a relatively short time, however many people are involved. But I wouldn't even be considering this if there wasn't some kind of vibe between us, so I think next time I see them, I'll bring it up and see what they're thinking.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-14-2012, 02:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,223
Default

Sounds like you made a decision. GL with the talk!

GG
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-14-2012, 05:00 PM
Oneironaut Oneironaut is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 5
Default

How did you find yourself in a poly relationship? What led up to the decision?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:58 PM.