And boom goes the dynamite.

[CattivaGattina]

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray

What about a break? Are you able to take some time, some space to figure out what you want and what you're willing to tolerate before having to make an "all or nothing" choice? If you can, I would think one of two things is likely to happen- you discover you're better off without the mismatched desires/expectations and it makes the choice to not have them in your life easier, or you discover the pain of being without them is worse than the pain of the mismatch and it makes choosing to work through the differences easier. Either way, if you can, I suggest getting away for a bit to clear your head. I hope you're able to do what you need to do for yourself, whatever that ends up being.

I don't know. I live with both Lamian and Primal and during the talks I had with them last night any time either of them showed me affection it would set me off to crying again.

Happened again this morning when Primal gave me a hug and held me for a bit before I went off to work.

I see my therapist tomorrow for an emergency session.

[CattivaGattina]

Originally Posted by nycindie

It's not the loving that hurts; it's the unmet expectations.

We've been taught that love has to be reciprocated in very specific ways. If you can look at what you expect or hope for in return for your love and see if you can let go of some expectations, I think you will feel better. We also usually think that when we love someone, everything has to change. But really, it's just a feeling you have - it's not a contract - and it's what human beings have at the core of who they are, so loving can be simple and beautiful and freeing. Love doesn't have to get all tangled up in the idea of getting something back for it. It's our attitudes and ideas about what it means to love someone that causes us pain, not love itself! So, in addition to letting go of expectation, try to think of how you can give your love to them, direct it outward, and focus on all the good things you want for them, like freedom to be who they are. Being loving toward yourself and doing this kind of inner work will really help you feel more at ease with your love for others. This is not to say that you have to tolerate bad treatment or consistently feeling like you're not getting needs met, but it's just that love is love and expectations are something else.

I haven't read all of your blog, but thought I would share those thoughts in case it helps you feel a little more centered. I hope you reach a better place about everything.

This is what I'm trying to work on but I don't know how to go about it. Because being around them especially when they are even a little bit affectionate allows my head to start craving that relationship so much but I don't know how I would be able handle cutting myself off fully in order to get over that longing.

[CattivaGattina]

So fucking stressful. I feel myself closing up.

[pinkhop]

I am a big fan of periods of cooling off when a relationship goes through a "transition". If you need time apart, or time of no physical contact then ask for it, and don't be worried about adjusting your needs as time goes on.

[CattivaGattina]

Now there's starting to get tension with me and Woodsmith.

I got upset last night for two reasons. 1) I have some health issues going on that I don't know why (my psychologist thinks I may have some hormone problems because along with mood swings, irritability, extreme depression I'm also fatigued all the time, breaking out in bad acne, have no ability to control my body temperture and my periods have been off the walls crazy. Found out yesterday I'm also having severe dehydration that even a liter of saline didn't really do anything for). 2) I'm trying to figure out how to pull back from everyone else without having to move out and completely cut them off. But I have no idea how to tell them that when they kiss me or hold me it hurts because it lets my head start wanting and longing for that deeper connection.

I was talking to Woodsmith about it and he was telling me I was being childish and selfish for trying to pull myself back.

[GalaGirl]

I may have some hormone problems because along with mood swings, irritability, extreme depression I'm also fatigued all the time, breaking out in bad acne, have no ability to control my body temperture and my periods have been off the walls crazy.

Get thyroid checked. All of those can be hypothyroid. Could be something else but perhaps worth looking into. I've had all those.

But I have no idea how to tell them that when they kiss me or hold me it hurts because it lets my head start wanting and longing for that deeper connection.

Just spit it out. You are processing disappointment in the fact that they (at this time) cannot offer you a deeper connection you crave. So please hold up on affection gestures while you digest this news.

Alternately -- tell them you are feeling mood swings, irritability, extreme depression, fatigue, etc. You are feeling especially "prickly and touchy" and want a bit of space while you go get your check up organized.

One is more direct about your emotional processing, the other is still true but who knows? You could feel better about all this if it DOES turn out to be thyroid.

I have hypothyroid. My values got so wacked out one summer I got all GRR and was telling DH I wanted to break up and get a divorce -- my moody was THAT bad. That night I apologized for the tantrum and told him I felt terrible and he told me I needed a check up because I was so out of character. Then I had labs and it turned out that I was all kinds of wacko and needed a serious change in my meds! Then I felt better.

Now we have a new rule -- if I start talking weirdness out of nowhere like that again before doing anything else about it the FIRST thing is to get new labs scheduled and check my meds!

I get labs anyway for other things pretty regularly but it is just another thing to watch out for as I age.

I don't know if any of that is comforting or helpful to you. But do think about a check up to see what is what.

Galagirl

[CattivaGattina]

When I was at the doctor yesterday and found out about the dehydration they took 4 vials of blood to test all of my hormone levels. I should know by Friday what's going on there.

The dehydration was scary, when I was there they told me they were surprised I hadn't needed to go to the hospital because of how dehydrated I was.

What makes talking to them hard about the affections is that they were still telling me that they want me in their life forever and even if they don't have the same type of love that I have for them and want back they still love me and are in love with me and that they don't want me to close off from them.

I think a part of me wants to know why they are all pushing to still be able to be affectionate/loving towards me when they know how I feel and how much it hurts that they don't have those feelings back. I don't know if they don't realize how much this dampens my healing or if they don't care because they don't want me to disappear on them.

[GalaGirl]

For me when I fall in love with someone I want to be able to share everything with them and be with them fully. I love and care about them all equally and want romantic relationships/commitments with them all. And outside of Woodsmith, none of them want that with me.

What makes talking to them hard about the affections is that they were still telling me that they want me in their life forever and even if they don't have the same type of love that I have for them and want backthey still love me and are in love with me and that they don't want me to close off from them.

I do not understand. If they love you and are in love with you, what is the "different type of love" that you have for them that you want back and are not getting?

Galagirl

[CattivaGattina]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

I do not understand. If they love you and are in love with you, what is the "different type of love" that you have for them that you want back and are not getting?

Galagirl

It's hard to explain. They've told me that they love me and are in love with me but (on Lamian, Darkeyes, and Peaseblossum) they don't want the romantic relationship. PRimal talks about the fact that he's in love with me and wants me in his life forever but that he doesn't know how he wants that to look like and he doesn't know if he could have a full fledged commited relationship with me.

Does that make sense? I'm wanting that long term commited romanticness with them and they've stated that they aren't sure that's what they want with me.

[GalaGirl]

Are you talking Closed relationship then? Like this is the Inner Circle and that is it? No more dating outside of that? This is what you want?

While they still want to be Open to dating others and are not ready/want to Close ranks at this point in time?

Or are you talking about different places in Love Theory? You want "consummate love" with each of them and find it easy to get to that place, but they are not at that place yet with you.

From your blog you sound upset that they want other relationships.

Lamian wants a female relationship.
Primal has Peaseblossom relationship developing. (I do think he could keep his promised dates to you tho. He doesn't sound balanced in NRE/ORE)

It's like you struggle with jealousy from "am I not enough?" type thoughts. Is some of this speaking to jealousy? That you are at you polysaturation point and they may not be?

Galagirl