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  #1  
Old 11-11-2012, 03:48 AM
krysjah krysjah is offline
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Default Feelings involved...

Hello!

So about 3 months ago, my husband and I entered into a quad relationship with another couple (swapping partners) with the intention of it only being for play in the beginning. As we went along, we've discussed the possibility of feelings. We've never been opposed to them because we know how strong we are in our own relationship, and I know that I tend to get feelings (even just a little) for the guys that I've slept with in the past with our open relationship.

Well, since feelings are ok in this (discussed with the other couple as well), mine have always definitely been the most obvious, but since I was the only one, I place them in the back of my mind.

Until about 2 weeks ago.

That's when the other 3 wanted to talk about feelings and start trying to put labels on their own feelings.

-My husband doesn't really have any for the other woman, he just enjoys her company, and really enjoys the sex outside the marriage.
-She is starting to get feelings for my husband, that are more than friends, but not love at this time.
-He has realized that he does indeed have a lot of feelings for me, almost love even, but I think he's scared to admit that many feelings for me.
-I have realized that I am in love. With my husband AND this other man. Neither love takes away from the other, and it's pretty awesome and kind of scary at the same time.

In feeling these new feelings, I want to spend as much time as possible with this other man. He and I work together, and we are completely hands off at work, but when we do have our swap nights, there is so much passion and love that one could get lost in it.

I guess the problem lies in that I feel bad. I feel bad that I'm wanting to spend time with this other man. I feel bad that my husband and I don't have that excitement, and I understand it's a newness factor, but it still sucks. I also feel bad that there are feelings between me and the other man, and that my husband and the other woman don't get to experience what we have.

I'm not even sure that it really is a problem, but it can lead to hurt feelings from time to time, and I guess I'm just looking for advice from others who are more experienced. I don't have anyone in my real life that I can talk to other than the other 3.

Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Questions?

I welcome all.
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  #2  
Old 11-12-2012, 04:26 PM
kissapolygrrl kissapolygrrl is offline
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Default

When I felt NRE (new relationship energy) in the past with my previous partner, I also wanted to spend as much time as possible with him. It was a whirlwind of awesomeness going on in my heart...but yes I can relate to that guilt. I made sure to give my primary partner lots of love and extra attention during that time. We had some of the most amazing sex and wonderful discussions and date nights. I think it's ikmportant when you're feeling NRE to realize how it may affect your other partner and focus on them as well.
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  #3  
Old 11-12-2012, 08:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Feelings are only feelings. Let it blow on through.

That said... this is 3 separate things.

Quote:
I feel bad that I'm wanting to spend time with this other man.
Why? What does it take away from other things needing your time? Is DH bothered? Is the other spouse bothered by time management?

Quote:
I feel bad that my husband and I don't have that excitement, and I understand it's a newness factor, but it still sucks.
What do you and DH do to continue to court each other? Do you make enough time to have "couple time" alone -- having dates, enjoying each other's company?


Quote:
I also feel bad that there are feelings between me and the other man, and that my husband and the other woman don't get to experience what we have.
People feel what they feel when they feel it. You can't control what others feel or when they feel that. You cannot control how they choose to behave. They are in charge of themselves. You can't control what you feel or when you feel it -- it just ensues. You only get to control how you behave.
Quote:
I'm not even sure that it really is a problem, but it can lead to hurt feelings from time to time
Who is hurting? Your DH? The other spouse?

In general -- try to make sure you are giving your spouse enough time/attention so they can weather the NRE too. Do not neglect DH. Strive for balance in your time management.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-12-2012 at 08:48 PM.
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  #4  
Old 11-13-2012, 05:38 AM
krysjah krysjah is offline
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Thank you both for your responses. I really appreciate any feedback that I can get in this situation.

I know that DH is referring to my husband, but what does it stand for?

In response to your questions, Gala...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Why? What does it take away from other things needing your time? Is DH bothered? Is the other spouse bothered by time management?
I'm really not sure. I guess I almost feel like I'm neglecting my husband, and the other woman. She and I are also really good friends, so any time outside of a designated swap night includes either one of them or both (my hubby and her). We have 2 nights a week as designated swap nights, but the only time we really get alone is when we're in bed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What do you and DH do to continue to court each other? Do you make enough time to have "couple time" alone -- having dates, enjoying each other's company?
We try to. We currently have a friend sleeping on our couch while she gets her life together, so a lot of our "alone time" is with her around. Our schedules are also really off at the moment, so we don't get that much time together. And out of the 5 nights that we could have to choose from to spend together, 2 of them are swap nights. (although, recently I have canceled a swap night in favor of spending time with hubby)



Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
People feel what they feel when they feel it. You can't control what others feel or when they feel that. You cannot control how they choose to behave. They are in charge of themselves. You can't control what you feel or when you feel it -- it just ensues. You only get to control how you behave.
I completely 100% agree with this. I think it just bothers me because I am close friends with the other woman as well, and she has expressed that she would like her feelings reciprocated, and I know that I can't do anything about it, so I feel bad. I feel bad that her fiance has feelings for me, and that we have developed a bond. Not because it's not ok, or that it takes away from either relationship, but because I know that she wants the same thing from my husband, and he's just not really interested in having feelings for anyone other than me.


Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Who is hurting? Your DH? The other spouse?
My husband only gets upset when he feels/thinks that he's not getting as much time with me as he would like. Most of the time, I'm not even with the other man. As explained above, our schedules are just kind of wonky right now, and so they don't line up as often as either of us would like them to.

Also, as explained above, the other spouse. She would really like for my husband to reciprocate feelings for her. She would love for him to want to spend time with her, as much as her fiance likes to spend time with me. She has expressed that she feels like no one really wants her around, which all of us have explained is not the case at all.
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  #5  
Old 11-13-2012, 01:51 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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DH = dear husband. There is also dear wife, dear son, dear daughter, etc.

Quote:
I'm really not sure. I guess I almost feel like I'm neglecting my husband, and the other woman.
So you crave a time that is not a swap night for sex, but a date night? Can you use a swap night as a date night? Do you feel this kind of guilt when you go out with friends alone without DH?

Quote:
Our schedules are also really off at the moment, so we don't get that much time together. And out of the 5 nights that we could have to choose from to spend together, 2 of them are swap nights. (although, recently I have canceled a swap night in favor of spending time with hubby)
Why do swap nights have assigned nights and you and hubby time do not? You don't "get" time. You MAKE time. Could it be 2 nights set aside for hubby, 2 for swaps, and then the rest "flexible?" Something else?


Quote:
I completely 100% agree with this. I think it just bothers me because I am close friends with the other woman as well, and she has expressed that she would like her feelings reciprocated, and I know that I can't do anything about it, so I feel bad. I feel bad that her fiance has feelings for me, and that we have developed a bond. Not because it's not ok, or that it takes away from either relationship, but because I know that she wants the same thing from my husband, and he's just not really interested in having feelings for anyone other than me.
Then this is not within your control. The only thing to do is to let it go. Perhaps tell her you are sorry she's disappointed? It is one thing to commiserate, but another to take on board other people's baggage. You could suggest the group change the schedule and let go of the sex swappage.

Quote:
My husband only gets upset when he feels/thinks that he's not getting as much time with me as he would like. Most of the time, I'm not even with the other man. As explained above, our schedules are just kind of wonky right now, and so they don't line up as often as either of us would like them to.
Then this is hopefully short term and if only 2 nights are matching for dates -- you could choose to make it 1 night for marriage, 1 night for OSO. We bump into limits all the time... people adjust their expectations.

Quote:
Also, as explained above, the other spouse. She would really like for my husband to reciprocate feelings for her. She would love for him to want to spend time with her, as much as her fiance likes to spend time with me. She has expressed that she feels like no one really wants her around, which all of us have explained is not the case at all.
She's bumping into a limit there -- DH does not have feelings for her. If this is the case? And being sexual with him just feeds the empty/lonely yucky? She could choose to stop having sex with DH.

If her fiancee is all a twitter with NRE for you AND you guys struggle with the date time for the marriage, you could suggest trying a change in schedule.

1 night for the marriage (they can have it for themselves too to help feed her NOT lonely bucket) and then 1 night with you and the OSO in a non-sexual date (and she could choose to go do something elsewhere and so could your DH and try that on).

That way you can have alone time out of bed and try that on with the OSO too, DH is getting a date night with you, and she's getting to move to a cleaner emotional space so she can get over DH not having the same emotional level as her without sex expectations of a swap.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-13-2012 at 01:54 PM.
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  #6  
Old 11-13-2012, 01:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,912
Default

DH = dear husband. There is also dear wife, dear son, dear daughter, etc.

Quote:
I'm really not sure. I guess I almost feel like I'm neglecting my husband, and the other woman.
So you crave a time that is not a swap night for sex, but a date night? Can you use a swap night as a date night? Ask for a separate date night? Do you feel this kind of guilt when you go out with friends alone without DH?


Quote:
Our schedules are also really off at the moment, so we don't get that much time together. And out of the 5 nights that we could have to choose from to spend together, 2 of them are swap nights. (although, recently I have canceled a swap night in favor of spending time with hubby)
Why do swap nights have assigned nights and you and hubby time do not? You don't "get" time. You MAKE time. Could it be 2 nights set aside for hubby, 2 for swaps, and then the rest "flexible?"


Quote:
I completely 100% agree with this. I think it just bothers me because I am close friends with the other woman as well, and she has expressed that she would like her feelings reciprocated, and I know that I can't do anything about it, so I feel bad. I feel bad that her fiance has feelings for me, and that we have developed a bond. Not because it's not ok, or that it takes away from either relationship, but because I know that she wants the same thing from my husband, and he's just not really interested in having feelings for anyone other than me.
Then this is not within your control. The only thing to do is to let it go. Perhaps tell her you are sorry she's disappointed? It is one thing to commiserate, but another to take on board other people's baggage.

Quote:
My husband only gets upset when he feels/thinks that he's not getting as much time with me as he would like. Most of the time, I'm not even with the other man. As explained above, our schedules are just kind of wonky right now, and so they don't line up as often as either of us would like them to.
Then this is hopefully short term and if only 2 nights are matching for dates -- you could choose to make it 1 night for marriage, 1 night for swap. We bump into limits all the time... people adjust expectations.

Quote:
Also, as explained above, the other spouse. She would really like for my husband to reciprocate feelings for her. She would love for him to want to spend time with her, as much as her fiance likes to spend time with me. She has expressed that she feels like no one really wants her around, which all of us have explained is not the case at all.
She's bumping into a limit there -- DH does not have feelings for her. If this is the case, and being sexual with him just feeds the yucky, she could choose to stop having sex with DH.

DH is bumping into a limit -- his current swap partner cannot have emotionless, purely recreational sex.

If her fiancee is all a twitter with NRE for you AND you guys struggle with the date time for the marriage, you could suggest trying a change in schedule.

1 night for the marriage (they can have it for themselves too) and then 1 night with you and the OSO in a non-sexual date (and she could choose to go do something elsewhere and so could your DH).

That way you can have alone time out of bed and try that on with the OSO, DH is getting a date night with you, and she's getting to move to a cleaner emotional space so she can get over DH not having the same emotional level as her without sex expectations of a swap.

Galagirl
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