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  #11  
Old 12-23-2009, 05:56 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
A term that I have adopted to describe an alternate to the "all-or-nothing" approach to a relationship ending is that of distancing. You may recognise that while you love each other, and are friends, you are just not relationship material. Why throw the whole thing away, therefore, when there was a perfectly good friendship there?

Instead you both agree to distancing - essentially trying to keep the friendship but not being quite so "close".
There are some cases where the term distancing doesn't work for me. I have an ex with whom I am very close, and even though our relationship transitioned from a romantic one to a platonic one, I still feel just as close to him. In fact, the transitioning of our relationship was really what allowed us to preserve our closeness. There are times when distance is the most descriptive term, though.
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  #12  
Old 12-23-2009, 12:44 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I don't see anything wrong about "breaking up" even if you are not at the end of your rope with the relationship. I don't feel compelled to stay in touch with everyone I've ever been involved with. The same holds true whether it's a romantic/sexual friendship or a less-than-intimate one.

Over the years, there have been people I've made a point to keep in touch with who would return my calls, but would never make the gesture to call me first; I'm even friends with one of these individuals on Fakebook, but I quit reaching out to him (other than the friend-request). He knows so many people (showbiz) that I'm not even sure he knows who I am because I used a nickname most of the time we were together and now I have a married name as well.

Speaking of Fakebook, it has enabled me to get back in touch with a ton of people who I never even would have begun to think about, which is very cool.

But, as far as breaking things off with someone on purpose, or over time, I don't see it as a sad or negative thing in and of itself. Sometimes people's lives just take them in different directions and they get involved in other things. It is what it is.
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  #13  
Old 12-23-2009, 01:02 PM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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I can say that i have had one proper breakup where i never wanted to see the person again, but that is because he hurt me physically (tried to choke the life out of me) and so when i told him that we where breaking up i meant it

in other relationships,
iv usually stayed friends on some level, the connection has just changed. I very rarly care about someone and then just stop caring because the relationship is no longer on a sexual level,

Jools
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  #14  
Old 12-23-2009, 03:29 PM
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rosevett rosevett is offline
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I'm pretty much the same with the labeling thing and when I hear 'break-up' it creates sad feelings for me as to me it means a complete desolve of a relationship. Also on that note when I hear 'break-up' I think in terms of a relationship that probably wasnt stable to begin with, it seems to be a casual almost lazy term for a relationship status.

So I prefer 'changing of dynamics' when relationships evolve into something other then what they were.
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  #15  
Old 12-23-2009, 03:38 PM
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crisare crisare is offline
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Quote:
I don't see anything wrong about "breaking up" even if you are not at the end of your rope with the relationship. I don't feel compelled to stay in touch with everyone I've ever been involved with. The same holds true whether it's a romantic/sexual friendship or a less-than-intimate one.
[...]
But, as far as breaking things off with someone on purpose, or over time, I don't see it as a sad or negative thing in and of itself. Sometimes people's lives just take them in different directions and they get involved in other things. It is what it is.
I also agree with both of these comments by Ygirl.

I just have a hard time with things like "distancing" or "changing of dynamics" or whatever other substitute phrases you want to use. Please note that this is just me - my thoughts and how I feel - but to me it sounds like so much psychobabble to tell someone that "My relationship with John is changing dynamics." And "I am distancing myself from John" sounds pretty darned cold to me.

It's straightforward to say "John and I broke up." Everyone understand what it means to break up with someone - to end your romantic/sexual relationship - and most people understand that breaking up doesn't necessarily mean eternal and undying hatred of that person. If you wanted to go into more detail, then "John and I broke up, but we're still friends" covers that nicely.

Again, that's just me. No one is required to agree with me.
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  #16  
Old 12-23-2009, 04:49 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by crisare View Post
It's straightforward to say "John and I broke up." Everyone understand what it means to break up with someone - to end your romantic/sexual relationship - and most people understand that breaking up doesn't necessarily mean eternal and undying hatred of that person. If you wanted to go into more detail, then "John and I broke up, but we're still friends" covers that nicely.
Looking back, that's generally the language I've used even with my ex now BFF and it seems to have worked just fine. So yeah...agreed.

I often think we spend too much time trying to make new words for old terms rather than just let the general understanding of the word evolve into a more suitable meaning.
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  #17  
Old 12-23-2009, 05:12 PM
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rosevett rosevett is offline
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Oh I can spew ' I dumped his sorry ass' too when it was just a bad relationship that ended.

The OP was regarding, correct me if I'm wrong, the feeling or interpertation of what the tern 'break up' generates.

And I'm pretty sure that the words I use on a daily basis have people scratching their heads, but they are MY words and make me feel comfortable. Example - I prefer to use ISSUE instead of PROBLEM.

I do suppose there are things out there that are genuine PROBLEMS and will use that word as necessary...so retard or Developmentally Disabled. What is your preference....word evolve you are very correct.
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  #18  
Old 12-23-2009, 06:09 PM
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nikkiana nikkiana is offline
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I'm very much a proponent of using the language you best feel fits your situation. If 'break up' is what's comfortable to use, by all means use it. If it's not, don't.

The trouble I find with using the term 'break up' is that it feels like a very black and white phrase. It implies that you were in a romantic relationship with someone and now you're not. I find myself hesitant to use that phrase when I have a shift in relationship which falls into a gray area.
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  #19  
Old 12-23-2009, 09:10 PM
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ArtemisHunts ArtemisHunts is offline
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I actually find the use of the word "break" to be very clear, but not in the way that you are breaking ties (or "cutting" ties or "cutting" someone out of your life)

It's VERY similar to agreeing to break a promise. Spoken or unspoken, knowingly or unknowingly, most romantic relationships come with some understandings (or assumptions) and commitments that are treated like promises. Breaking up, to me, implies that you are no longer holding them or yourselves to the promises that defined that model of that relationship (breaking the promise). It then becomes time to make new agreements and expectations. Also notice how the phrase is often preceded by "we", as opposed to "dumped" which is usually presented as a single person's choice to reject another.
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  #20  
Old 12-29-2009, 12:51 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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I like the term "distancing", although it doesn't do much to make it not hurt.

Someone very important to me said a long time ago that if we ever "broke up", we'd just stop having sex. When his wife started having jealousy issues and they seemed to need to work on their relationship, I offered to take a break from having sex with him, hoping they'd work through it and maybe it'd help build a foundation for a more solid poly relationship, not just FWB/dirty little secret. Then I waited, and we did a lot of talking, and I'm pretty sure that she is never going to be okay with me having sex with him again, at least I can't see it happening in a context where it would be an emotionally healthy choice for me. However, even though we're "broken up" and it was never an official Relationship to begin with, we're still really close, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need some space if I'm going to have the time and emotional energy I need to nurture relationships that could develop into the kind of poly Relationship I want...but no matter what I'll always be there for them when they need me, and I don't want to hurt either of them.
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