Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-12-2012, 01:31 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 373
Default And boom goes the dynamite.

And everything has just exploded. One of the things I've probably not really mentioned in my blog is the fact of the matter that I not only love but am in love with everyone in my family.

For me when I fall in love with someone I want to be able to share everything with them and be with them fully. I love and care about them all equally and want romantic relationships/commitments with them all.

And outside of Woodsmith, none of them want that with me. I'm thinking I'm going to need to move out/cut off all ties (events, facebook, fetlife, text, calls) until I can finally stop being in love with them.

Loving them has been hurting me so badly because I've always kinda known that they don't have those feelings back but I'm devastated at the idea of leaving them.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-12-2012, 01:46 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 348
Default

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Two years ago, I lost the five people closest to me all at once. (Not "lost" in the sense they died, but in the sense my relationships with them either ended or changed permanently for the worse). They weren't all my romantic loves (one of those people was my brother, with whom I had a severe falling out, unrelated to the other losses), but I understand how unbearable it is to lose so much all at once.

There was nothing I could do except take things one day at a time. Eventually I realized I had emerged from the pain. But it was a long, slow process.

Is your relationship with Woodsmith still strong?
__________________
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-12-2012, 03:59 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 373
Default

Things with woodsmith and I are really good still. Still at a loss as to where to go now. Feels like my head and heart are breaking.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-12-2012, 04:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,854
Default

I am sorry you are hurting.

Galagirl
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-12-2012, 10:43 AM
Helo's Avatar
Helo Helo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 279
Default

Bite the shield rim and continue forward.

Best any of us can do.
__________________
=DISCLAIMER=
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-12-2012, 03:58 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 373
Default

I had a couple of long talks yesterday with both Lamian and Primal. Still completly up in the air as to where to go now.

I still don't know if I need to pull completely away from them all and deal with the pain of not having them in my life or try to muddle through this pain about the differences in the love/expectations of the relationships.

I'm just a complete and total mess.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-12-2012, 04:02 PM
kissapolygrrl kissapolygrrl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 12
Default

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I can't fathom having that many losses at once. My heart is still hurting from my single loss so I can't imagine what you're experiencing. :hugs:
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-12-2012, 04:39 PM
Avatar Avatar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 78
Default

Girl, that sucks, and I totally understand how you're feeling.
__________________
Flaming wreckage
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-12-2012, 04:42 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,114
Default

It's not the loving that hurts; it's the unmet expectations.

We've been taught that love has to be reciprocated in very specific ways. If you can look at what you expect or hope for in return for your love and see if you can let go of some expectations, I think you will feel better. We also usually think that when we love someone, everything has to change. But really, it's just a feeling you have - it's not a contract - and it's what human beings have at the core of who they are, so loving can be simple and beautiful and freeing. Love doesn't have to get all tangled up in the idea of getting something back for it. It's our attitudes and ideas about what it means to love someone that causes us pain, not love itself! So, in addition to letting go of expectation, try to think of how you can give your love to them, direct it outward, and focus on all the good things you want for them, like freedom to be who they are. Being loving toward yourself and doing this kind of inner work will really help you feel more at ease with your love for others. This is not to say that you have to tolerate bad treatment or consistently feeling like you're not getting needs met, but it's just that love is love and expectations are something else.

I haven't read all of your blog, but thought I would share those thoughts in case it helps you feel a little more centered. I hope you reach a better place about everything.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 11-12-2012 at 05:20 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-12-2012, 04:42 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
I still don't know if I need to pull completely away from them all and deal with the pain of not having them in my life or try to muddle through this pain about the differences in the love/expectations of the relationships.
What about a break? Are you able to take some time, some space to figure out what you want and what you're willing to tolerate before having to make an "all or nothing" choice? If you can, I would think one of two things is likely to happen- you discover you're better off without the mismatched desires/expectations and it makes the choice to not have them in your life easier, or you discover the pain of being without them is worse than the pain of the mismatch and it makes choosing to work through the differences easier. Either way, if you can, I suggest getting away for a bit to clear your head. I hope you're able to do what you need to do for yourself, whatever that ends up being.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:46 PM.