Disabled Folks

[LilacViolin]

Originally Posted by nondy2

The person uses a cane, so I'm sure people stare, or talk down to her, or sexually dismiss her. How many times have guys disappeared off Okcupid when they find out I'm disabled? How many times have I been c allied retard on the train? Or had people express surprise that I have a child? A husband? A sex life? In disability, there is always a duel consideration: the impairment and the ridiculous reaction to it.

I'm sorry, but people are freaking assholes.

I have a cane, a walker, crutches, a boot - you name it. I probably use one, hmmm, a third of my life. And I'm so very lucky not to use it more than that. My partner and girlfriend are both supportive and tender with me, but sometimes I just want to have a normal sex life. Loving is awesome, but there are times that my needs for the passionate rougher sex aren't met. Careful is great, but let me be in charge of my comfort and pain levels.

[nondy2]

Liliac,

Have you had any bad experiences with people putting you down or not hiring you because of the cane? If so, how do you deal with it?

[SearchingforMyself]

Originally Posted by NovemberRain

Yay! I'm always so encouraged when I'm not alone.

For educating folks, I do like Spoon Theory. I think it was mentioned in a different thread, but belongs in here, if people are searching for 'disability.' The gal who wrote it has lupus (I apologize for my ignorance, is SLE just one kind of lupus, are there others, or is it all SLE?).

The Spoon Theory is amazing. I use it all the time to explain how I have to structure my life sometimes.... There are actualy two main kinds of lupus. there is Discoid Lupus which only affects the skin and Systemic Lupus Erythema-something - I can never remember how to spell the last part of it - which affects basically anything else. SLE can affect kidneys, eyes, brain, spine, basically any type of cell in your body.

Originally Posted by LilacViolin

My partner and girlfriend are both supportive and tender with me, but sometimes I just want to have a normal sex life. Loving is awesome, but there are times that my needs for the passionate rougher sex aren't met. Careful is great, but let me be in charge of my comfort and pain levels.

I usually seem to have the opposite issue. My ex seemed to think that since I have figured out how to live with pain, that he could be as rough as he wanted whenever he wanted.

[LilacViolin]

Originally Posted by nondy2

Liliac,

Have you had any bad experiences with people putting you down or not hiring you because of the cane? If so, how do you deal with it?

No blatant discrimination, as this is illegal and I think most people are aware of that. I've had to fight a lot for accommodations, especially since my disability seems to come and go. I haven't been in the job market for four years though, so I don't know how things would go since the economy is down a bit.

I've had people put me down because of my disability, for sure. I think the most painful is when people don't believe that I have the injuries. Also, I have hip displaysia which is mostly linked to big dogs. Nothing like having your disability compared to the pain that the dog felt when it jumped into the bed.

[nondy2]

Unfortunately, the illegality (ADA) of not hiring hasn't done anything for me. I've been turned down for about 50/60 jobs in my life because of discrimination. Sometimes it was blatant. Sometimes not.

I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher very badly. I bond well with kids. I was chosen to be in a program in NYC schools that taught teachers and gave them jobs. Half-way through the program I waS asked to leave because of my disability. The excuse was that I would not 'be able to model appropriate handwriting for young children." I was also told by one of my classmates who I turned to empathy for that she would NOT want me to be her child's teacher. I was put in high school English teaching and had tons of prejudice there too, but did get to teach.

The problem with the ADA that I found out in applying for a job at BreaD and Circus in Cambridge MA is that they can get away with it, if they offer you a different job. AT B and C I was told that I could not work the vitamin counter because people "wouldn't understand my speech" but they would be happy to offer me a job in the stock room. In my interview they 'tested' my speech and had a second employee who clearly understood me but said she didn't! O what I have been through! Ironically, I ended up working customer service for a world class museum. Evidently, yuppies could not understand me, but high society ladies, curators, and artists could. go figure!

[TroubledTigress]

Wow, I'm so glad I stumbled across this thread. Not only have I not read the Spoon Theory before and found it interesting, it's very thought provoking.

I also have invisible disabilities, nothing life threatening or needing of surgery, but so many little things. The main one however is the fact I have depression, officially diagnosed at 14 as Dysthymia. Unfortunately Dysthymia is classified as the less extreme of depression diagnosis and even people with depression often misunderstand it. Even though people with Dysthymia do not often have the radical mood changes, your mood is still low. It is rare to experience a 'high' or any great amount of happiness. Every day is a low for example and rarely have a sense of hope.

Beyond that, I've also been diagnosed with scoliosis, genu vulga and recurring tendonitis of both wrists, and I've been told the doctor thinks my random and serious ice pick headaches are due to a pinched nerve in my neck. There's a possibility of more, but unfortunately my doctor isn't one who listens and just tries to cure the symptoms rather then find the cause.

Leading to of course problems with weight, exercise and being able to do a lot of things, and definitely problems in relationships as most everyone I've been with doesn't understand this.

Even my husband of 7 years doesn't understand it, even tho he is fairly supportive, but I know that sometimes he's still resentful that I can't help out with chores most days. Nor does he understand the despair that comes with wanting to be useful and able to work but being unable to because you can't deal with people constantly.

So I'm very glad that this thread is here, it's rather relieving to know of others with similar problems due to disabilities.

Part of what's made me smile reading a lot of this is seeing how people here are not overly bitter, and say that they'd rather not have anyone else be able to understand... as nice as it is to have others do. It shows a wonderful strength, and reaffirms my personal beliefs.

[nondy2]

Troubled Tigress,

Thank you so much for writing this. I think it's great when people come out about invisible disabilities because it makes disability in general less of a shameful issue. I can totally understand being in a situation where my emotional life, to some degree influences my daily existence.

I was wondering what you meant by not needing people to understand?

There is a great new book on disability by Andrew Solomon called Far From the Tree. It's imperfect, but overall he has the right idea and the book is sensitive and loving. The primary idea of the book is resilience and how people who are (at some point) ableist and want a perfect child, end up with an autistic child or a severely disabled child, and how they end up loving this child and changing completely. It's wonderful!

[TroubledTigress]

Perhaps one day it'll be looked at with less shame to have a disability, which is certainly a wish of mine, as that alone can be something that makes things worse to deal with it. It's not like most people did anything to deserve it.

As for not needing to understand, I don't see where I used that wording, but I'm thinking you might mean the last part that I had said, about rather not having others be able to understand. I think I didn't word that as well as I could have now that I reread it XD

What I meant, was not wishing it on others to be able to understand through firsthand experience. Not wanting other people to go through the pain and problems that come along with having such things.

Thanks so much for the reference, I'll have to keep it in mind^^

[NovemberRain]

I could be wrong, but I think when TT said this:

Originally Posted by TroubledTigress

Part of what's made me smile reading a lot of this is seeing how people here are not overly bitter, and say that they'd rather not have anyone else be able to understand... as nice as it is to have others do. It shows a wonderful strength, and reaffirms my personal beliefs.

I think she was directly referring to this (emphasis mine):

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

November-on that note, I had an interesting experience last week. My ex of 15 yrs ago needed a friend. I went and hung out. He was talking to me about chronic pain (bone spurs in spine pressing towards spinal cord) that he is 2 years into dealing with.
I empathized, reminding him that I have neck damage from years ago. I had an ACDF surgery in 2010 which helped, but can't fix the nerve damage and doesn't completely alleviate the pain. So pain management is a huge part of my life-the last 7 yrs or so.
Previously-noone in my life had a clue the struggle emotionally. Now, he does and after my show of empathy-I saw the dawning comprehension on his face. Suddenly realizing how often he had glossed over what he didn't understand but now does.
I felt sad for him. I would rather he not understand. But, it was nice to be able to talk to someone who really grasps my struggle also.

(two is my max ability to quote!) I think I might have referred indirectly to this, but if I didn't, I often do. When I welcome people to any of my fb groups for people with my condition, I usually include something like 'glad you found us, sorry you qualify.' I've been in chronic pain long enough, and invisibly challenged long enough, that I really do understand why 'normies' don't get it. 'getting' chronic pain is something no one should have to do. It is good to have others who do, but I don't expect normies to ever truly understand. I appreciate the ones who are compassionate enough to try.

[TroubledTigress]

Exactly what I meant November, sorry for not being so clear on that XD