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  #41  
Old 11-10-2012, 12:32 PM
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One question for all of the White people on here who said that, yes, most of the people they have observed in poly are also White...

How often and deeply do you engage with Black people? Do you attend Black events? Have more than 1 Black friend? Go to Black clubs? Have intimate conversations with more than the 1 Black friend?

Just curious. I find that people often make judgments about other races without ever having actually engaged with that other race in a meaningful way over a longer period of time than, say, a vacation or happy hour. I learned that lesson last year when my stereotypes about Asian women were shattered after spending some considerable time with our Cambodian community here in Philly.

Do you folks actually engage with Black people in deep, meaningful ways that would allow you to see these patterns of intimacy and relationship? Or are you just going by what you observe from a distance?

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  #42  
Old 11-10-2012, 06:14 PM
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Locally, most of the (organised) poly community seems to be white, (or mixed-race) by majority with a sprinkling of exceptions. They also seem to be mostly middle class working folks (mostly white collar, with a few blue collar or trades in the mix) and in the 25 - 35 age group.

As a side note nearly 90% of the local poly population seems to be obsessed with Dr. Who.

But that also reflects the general population of the city I live in, and more specifically the area of the city I live in, So I don't believe that those observations indicate that poly is a predominantly "white phenomenon" any more than it would indicate that poly is a "Dr. Who fan phenomenon".
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  #43  
Old 11-10-2012, 09:21 PM
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I didn't read the entire thread, but most. There is a "trick" question on OK Cupid that says "would you date outside your race?" I STUPIDLY said No because I'm into skinny white young guys...but someone wrote me and was like this put up a red flag for me, my GF is black. OK, I'm not racist. Both my son and husband have black girlfriends -- but I'm attracted to white boys- so am I racist? I certainly don't mean to be!

What is interesting to me is that so many people would never THINK of dating someone with a physical disability which to me is akin to not wanting to date someone of a certain race. Being able to see past, say a limp or a wheelchair, is the same to me a seeing past color. There is another question on cupid that's totally ableist. It says, "should people with a low iQ be able to procreate?" Well, that's supposed to be funny, I guess, but it isn't when you think of the years until the 1980s of forced sterilization of mentally disabled women.

So, I guess I should be open to dating someone of a different race...because I would like people to be able to see past bodily differences (such as not walking or different speech).
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  #44  
Old 11-10-2012, 10:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hades36 View Post
One question for all of the White people on here who said that, yes, most of the people they have observed in poly are also White...

How often and deeply do you engage with Black people? Do you attend Black events? Have more than 1 Black friend? Go to Black clubs? Have intimate conversations with more than the 1 Black friend?
-Occasionally.

-What is a "black" event?

-Yes I have a few friends that identify as African decent of some kind or another.

-No. I don't believe there are many race-segregated clubs in my area.

-Occasionally.

I don't go out of my way to mix soscially with people of other cultures, at the same time I don't go out of my way to avoid mixing soscially with folks who come from and identify as a dufferent cultural or racial background.

The singular exception being that I will tend to avoid people who use their anscestory or the wrongdoings of someone elses anscestors as a singular topic of conversation or identity.

Same with people who do the same with gender, sexual orientation, religion, politics, body type, taste in music, cuisine, operating system preference, shoe size or anything else that people will use to create a victim-hood persona (or worse, the reverse victim/worldly accepting/etc) as a center to their identity.
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  #45  
Old 11-11-2012, 04:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hades36 View Post
One question for all of the White people on here who said that, yes, most of the people they have observed in poly are also White...

How often and deeply do you engage with Black people? Do you attend Black events? Have more than 1 Black friend? Go to Black clubs? Have intimate conversations with more than the 1 Black friend?
-Not often.

-I have to echo Alleycat and ask what exactly a "Black event" is.

-I have two or three, I wouldn't call them close friends though.

-Again, not entirely sure what constitutes a "Black club" but no. I actually dont go to ANY clubs.

-I have in the past.

Quote:
Just curious. I find that people often make judgments about other races without ever having actually engaged with that other race in a meaningful way over a longer period of time than, say, a vacation or happy hour.
I don't think anyone here is making judgement about other racial groups. I've seen some people present theories as to why their experiences of the poly community are what they are but I dont think anyone is actually passing judgement.

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Do you folks actually engage with Black people in deep, meaningful ways that would allow you to see these patterns of intimacy and relationship? Or are you just going by what you observe from a distance?
I actually couldn't answer that one way or the other because I don't engage or ignore people based on race. I'll talk to anyone and if they're interesting/appealing/attractive then I'll keep talking to them, race rarely if ever enters into the equation.

For some perspective, I'm that white dude that people tend to look at like he's loco because he's happily strolling around a neighborhood that is 90-95% an ethnic group he isn't and smiling at people.
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Last edited by Helo; 11-11-2012 at 04:57 AM.
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  #46  
Old 11-11-2012, 06:31 AM
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I don't hang out with black people that often. I have a few black close friends, and a few coworker-type people I see very often but don't interact in any deep or meaningful way.

But I think that's beside the point. I didn't take all the people I know and say "out of all the black people I know, not many are polyamorous". Because, how would I know that?

What I did was think of polyamorous events I've been to (events that were not race-specific) and what kind of people attended. And the huge majority of them were caucasian.

So from my small, not very representative perspective, most poly people I interacted with as poly people were white.

Doesn't mean other races aren't poly. Just that they don't go to the same meetings I went to.

I too have no clue what a black club or a black event are.
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  #47  
Old 11-11-2012, 07:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hades36 View Post
One question for all of the White people on here who said that, yes, most of the people they have observed in poly are also White...

How often and deeply do you engage with Black people? Do you attend Black events? Have more than 1 Black friend? Go to Black clubs? Have intimate conversations with more than the 1 Black friend?

Just curious. I find that people often make judgments about other races without ever having actually engaged with that other race in a meaningful way over a longer period of time than, say, a vacation or happy hour.
I am a bit confused. Are you saying that simply because some of us have said that we've observed mostly white people at poly events or in our local poly communities, that we are making judgments about anyone who isn't white? Wasn't the OP just asking us what our experiences were? Are we somehow at fault for something we've experienced or observed? Was I supposed to go out and look for black poly people when I saw there were very few at the poly events I've attended?

I feel like your questions seem a little accusatory or are meant to be provocative, so I don't think I want to answer any of them. It seems you have drawn your own conclusion already... about something. Or am I misreading you?
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-11-2012 at 07:34 AM.
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  #48  
Old 11-11-2012, 01:30 PM
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Several of you have suggested that Black people do not participate in polyamory the same way White people do, or that poly "seems" to be a primarily White phenomenon. My point is that, if you do not engage with Black people on a regular basis, how would you even know?

If I have to explain what a "Black event" or "Black club" is, then the conversation is already over. Sorry. I'm not trying to educate people about Black culture. Replace the words with "Lesbian club" or "Asian event" or "Poly event" or "Transgendered club" if you like...

@Helo: Sorry, but the fact that you are not even willing to discuss patterns of unconscious racism or bias also means that I'm not even sure how we can have a meaningful discussion about race or whether or not we engage or ignore people based on it. Deciding to ignore a huge component of the researched, verified, and scientifically proven phenomenon because it is uncomfortable to deal with completely removes the foundation, at least for me, to have any kind of productive discussion about race. It would be like me telling a woman that I do not believe there is a such thing as male privilege and unconscious sexism but then wanting to talk about gender issues. I'm not trying to be offensive, but I know I can't have that discussion with you in particular, Helo.

@nycindie: No, not being accusatory or provocative. I just want to know how much interaction any of you actually have with Black people so that I can understand where you are seeing/not seeing polyamory being explored by them.

I had not come to any conclusion which is why I was asking the question, but the answers I got definitely confirmed what I suspected anyways.
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Last edited by Hades36; 11-11-2012 at 01:38 PM.
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  #49  
Old 11-11-2012, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
One idea that has been thrown around in our poly group and in other minority groups I am involved in is that anyone who is already part of a marginalized minority is at higher risk by being "out" about belonging to another marginalized minority.
Therefore-with the higher risk-they may be unable to safely be out.

For example, someone who is LGBT is at risk of discrimination.
But, someone who is LGBT and black is at a higher risk of discrimination-because they risk being discriminated for both being a minority=black and a minority=LGBT.
Someone who is LGBT, black and a woman has even higher as woman=minority, black=minority and LGBT=minority.
An LGBT, black, female, poly.... at that point the risk of losing work, home, personal safety is so high that it is literally mind-boggling the life risk they would be taking.

I tend to think there is probably a lot of truth to that concept. It makes sense to me and I've seen how it works with people who are racially, gender, sexual preference minorities in our community.
This is the most spot-on answer, IMO. Well-done. This is definitely what I've noticed in my local poly community regarding who feels comfortable embracing poly as an identity.
As a gay poly guy, I agree the idea of being a "Minority inside a minority" is definitely a real challenge to consider.
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  #50  
Old 11-11-2012, 07:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hades36 View Post
Several of you have suggested that Black people do not participate in polyamory the same way White people do, or that poly "seems" to be a primarily White phenomenon. My point is that, if you do not engage with Black people on a regular basis, how would you even know?
People are speaking from their personal experiences with what they see. I dont think anyone here is extending what they see across the entire community and saying that because THEY only see white people, then only white people must be poly.

Quote:
If I have to explain what a "Black event" or "Black club" is, then the conversation is already over. Sorry. I'm not trying to educate people about Black culture. Replace the words with "Lesbian club" or "Asian event" or "Poly event" or "Transgendered club" if you like...
Again I dont understand what an XYZ event is. Are you talking about an event that is largely attended by XYZ group, one that is meant specifically for XYZ group?

Quote:
@Helo: Sorry, but the fact that you are not even willing to discuss patterns of unconscious racism or bias also means that I'm not even sure how we can have a meaningful discussion about race or whether or not we engage or ignore people based on it. Deciding to ignore a huge component of the researched, verified, and scientifically proven phenomenon because it is uncomfortable to deal with completely removes the foundation, at least for me, to have any kind of productive discussion about race. It would be like me telling a woman that I do not believe there is a such thing as male privilege and unconscious sexism but then wanting to talk about gender issues. I'm not trying to be offensive, but I know I can't have that discussion with you in particular, Helo.
No offense taken, I just find the idea of something so mysterious that it cant readily be tested for except by others to be suspect. I'm aware of the research, both from my own reading and what you posted, and I don't see any conclusion other than a bias based on lack of experience that I wouldn't even begin to call racism.

I think focusing on it and trying to legitimize it harms attempts to communicate across racial barriers and reinforces people's reluctance to cross them because they dont want to pick up this invisible disease of "unconscious racism." Its not about what makes me comfortable or uncomfortable, I think the people who advance this as a real phenomenon are taking something that really doesn't qualify as racism and putting it in that category.

Its toeing the borders of the idea that "only white people can be racist because racism implies an imbalance of power and since white people have more power than non-whites, only whites can be racist."

Quote:
I had not come to any conclusion which is why I was asking the question, but the answers I got definitely confirmed what I suspected anyways.
Well...you obviously had come to SOME conclusion because you suspected a specific outcome and it was confirmed.

I think you're missing the fact that most of us don't focus on race and, frankly, I think its really unhealthy to have such a forefront focus on race when you're dealing with people because you create a situation where people are so nervous about accidentally doing something to get them called a racist that they don't want to interact with people outside their racial group. It makes problems of racism and bias worse.

As I said, most of us here (I cant speak for everyone) don't focus on race here at all when it comes to partners or people to interact with. You're right, I don't interact with black people a lot. I live in a very heavily Latino neighborhood, there are not a lot of black people around and I'm not going to go looking for them to fulfill some imaginary quota so I get to feel like I'm fighting my unconscious racist tendencies.
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