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  #151  
Old 10-31-2012, 09:42 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Of the 4 people my husband's had relationships with, I've felt compersion for one.
As best I can tell he does not ever feel compersion for me regarding my outside relationships.

My boyfriend feels compersion for me with my husband.

I've got 3 years into this.
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  #152  
Old 11-01-2012, 12:55 AM
mesalenalas mesalenalas is offline
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Default Thanks for sharing

Hey everyone--

Thanks much for your insights and experiential knowledge. I'm new to the forum and seeing the replies and getting support from you all is really reassuring, as I don't have much of a real-life community to discuss these questions with at the moment.

It sounds like the theme is that compersion is a good bonus, though not a mandatory requirement of your healthy poly relationships. Compersion being easier around metamours we genuinely like anyway makes sense to me, tho I can also appreciate it just being about seeing my partner happy, regardless of who it's with (assuming that person meets the requirements of being a mature, respectful, caring person). At the moment, my partner's girlfriend *is* someone I genuinely like & could easily be friends with if we lived closer....yet I still feel guarded, not compersion-y, when she comes up or is around. And then I feel bad about that, because he so easily feels excited for me about any respectful, caring, mature person I date.

I feel small and "mean" about not responding to his excitement around her with my own excitement for him/them. I want to be the transcendent poly partner who rises above envy (of their time together; i'm the one who lives far away at the moment), jealousy (of his affection for her-- even tho i feel affection for her too!), and possessiveness ("but *i* want the bigger slice of affection, mine!" says the fearful inner voice).

I realize lack of compersion is not necessarily the same state as what I've just described, which is more negative than indifferent. I usually do just feel neutral about their situation, but then I feel bad about not being excited, which kind of reminds me to feel jealous or something. Not sure how much sense that makes, but in any case, it was helpful for us to read your responses, as it challenges the framework of compersion being the standard/default option and me being the inept one who's bad at a thing everyone else is skipping along merrily doing. At least takes some of the pressure off and gives us some more time and space to consider other dynamics.
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  #153  
Old 11-01-2012, 01:00 AM
mesalenalas mesalenalas is offline
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Also, LR, thanks for your posts and links. I came across your "Just LR" post and was moved by it. Then I perused the links in your signature and added them to my virtual pile of helpful reading i'm doing on poly dynamics/models at the moment.

i already knew this, but [poly]realtionships are hard emotional/mental work sometimes....
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  #154  
Old 11-03-2012, 03:33 AM
Josie Josie is offline
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mesalenalas: Thanks so much for starting this thread!

I'm a bit like you in the way that I get a bit insecure about my lack of compersion and it's really nice to hear from people that doesn't mean eventual death of said relationship or that I'm doing this wrong.
It had been a little niggle in the back of my head that whilst my partner feels compersion for me (to the point he's probably more excited about my love life than I am), I have trouble feeling the same way for him. I still am happy when his like for others is making him happy but I can't quite get that excitement or rush like he does. It's nice to know that not feeling compersion can be somewhat normal in poly.
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  #155  
Old 11-03-2012, 05:52 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I suspect my men have compersion for each other, but it's more like they're happy I'm happy. They love each other dearly, but I think both of them prefer to pretend that I'm not actually with the other. CBF is a little more inclusive of FBF (when I'm with CBF he talks more about FBF, and more often engages in talk about my relationship with FBF)(FBF tolerates discussion, but doesn't generate it, and prefers, I think, to imagine that he's not actually sharing~and that's mostly my conjecture).

But I wanted to post, because reading this thread made me think on it all. And I think that they both thought I would pester them less if I had both of them; and they have both found out that's not the case. I still want more attention than either of them is truly interested in providing. go me.
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and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #156  
Old 11-09-2012, 06:23 PM
ahpook33 ahpook33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I suspect my men have compersion for each other, but it's more like they're happy I'm happy.


Thanks - that kind of sums up what I was saying earlier in this thread. I don't give a damn about her other lovers' happiness, but I am happy knowing that she is happy. So, I'm not sure if this is compersion or not.
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  #157  
Old 11-10-2012, 06:38 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I realize lack of compersion is not necessarily the same state as what I've just described, which is more negative than indifferent. I usually do just feel neutral about their situation, but then I feel bad about not being excited, which kind of reminds me to feel jealous or something.
Is it possible that in your inner self-talk when you talk to yourself inside your head you overuse "should" language?

"I should this" or "I should feel that" type?

Rather than "I could this" or "I could that" or even "What do I feel? I feel X." More of what IS rather than what it should be.

When I was a hinge I didn't expect anything from the metas other than basic polite. I gave the basic contact info and let them sort it out to whatever they wanted it to be. It naturally fell at a polite/distant thing. Each knew about the other but neither had any desire to be friends or get tight or anything. I let them deal with it on their tier of the polymath.

Galagirl
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  #158  
Old 04-03-2013, 02:47 AM
Arius Arius is offline
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Those rare moments when I have managed to be happy for my lover have generally been achieved by putting myself in my lover's shoes. I know that I've had sex with other people, and come back to the relationship happier and stronger than when I left. I know that, while I was in the middle of having sex with that other person, I felt no less love (and maybe even more) for my partner. If I face my fears and try, I can get excited for her, knowing that she's probably having a good time. Loving someone means wanting them to be happy.

I think compersion starts with trusting your partner's love. Which is of course inextricably tied to your self-esteem. That's the foundation. Once you kill jealousy and insecurity, then compersion becomes possible. I don't think it's necessarily that linear, though. I find that trying to be happy for my lover often also reduces feelings of jealousy. But I think compersion is possible to the degree that you are able to slay the green dragon. Of course, that's easier for some than for others.

But confidence can be gained. Jealousy can be slain. Compersion can be achieved. I know, because I've made progress on all of these fronts. You can too.
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