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Old 11-09-2012, 05:51 PM
LilacViolin's Avatar
LilacViolin LilacViolin is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Dallas
Posts: 37
Default Relationship in turmoil


Programmer and I have been dating Rose for two years. We started out as a triad, then moved to more of a Vee, with me as the hinge. Programmer and Rose had sex when I was there but really didn't connect as lovers emotionally.

As time went on I began to lean more on Rose emotionally. Programmer as aspergers and is not very good at emotional 'stuff.' I am very emotional, loving, passionate, activist, etc. It was easy for me to focus that emotional energy on my relationship with Rose. Programmer was absolutely fine with this - he'd had enough trouble with my passion overwhelming him.

Things got difficult in other aspects of my life and I began to lean on Rose more and more. It wasn't intentional. I knew I was driving her away and just didn't feel like I could stop. She set very strict boundaries. It has been hard, but I knew I had to respect them (and that they were healthy for ANY relationship) or we would break up. That's where we are right now. Since everything came to a head we have seen each other a few times. The one time we were at her house we had amazing, passionate, almost angry sex. so much pent up, it wasn't expected but I think it helped us a bit. I'm not sure.

We have gotten the distance we need. I haven't asked to see her, we've had healthy conversations, conversations about being poly, what each of us needs, etc. Things feel distant but like we're at least we're communicating.

I'm supposed to see Rose tomorrow. I am nervous and excited. We're best friends first, you know? I don't want to lean on her too much, I want to "just be" but I worry about it. When I asked her how she feels about seeing me tomorrow she said she does not feel anything. Honestly, that hurts my feelings a bit but I can't criticize how she feels about something.

To add more to it, Rose goes to visit Orchid next weekend. This is the first time they've seen each other since before Rose and I met. I am so happy that they're getting together. (Rose lives near me, Orchid lives in UT) I know they love each other, things are flirty and fun for them. I am online/email friends with Orchid, and I really think she is lovely.

I'm not jealous but I wish that Rose and I still had that. I guess it is more nostalgia than anything else. Rose and I agreed that, if we get back to a good place, we will go away for the weekend sometimes, we will write sweet things on FB, etc. (We had kept our relationship hidden before - yuck)

Oh, to add more to the story. Rose and her parenting partner plan to move away in a few years. One of the places they've considered is Utah. (Parenting partner is Rose's ex, they will not live together in Utah) At that point we both know that our romantic relationship (if it comes to that) will move to being best friends. I am absolutely ok with that. We've also talked about my coming to Utah to visit. About the possibility of that being a romantic encounter, with or without Orchid. But that is a few years away.

It feels like I am really feeling good with the long term, I know my wants and needs, and I don't know what the short term looks like. That is tricky.

Advice? Words of encouragement?
Me (Lilac) - pan, queer woman, spouse to Programmer
Programmer - Spouse of Lilac, bisexual man
Not currently in relationships with others.
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