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  #1501  
Old 10-30-2012, 10:26 PM
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Had a weekend of moving forward in how I percieve things and how I take things on personally. Moving forward as in I did a lot of self work quietly on my own with little need to have help or vent. That's big for me. I seem to be shifting my mind in some ways and I am interested to see where that goes.

I was feeling a bit left out and unappreciated at the beginning of the weekend, but after taking that into my own hands I managed to find some appreciation at the local gay bar on Friday night. Okay, not really what I had in mind, but it reminded me of what I have in my life, who's in it and that I can go and do things alone and be okay. I decided I am only left out if I choose it and only unappreciated if I put myself in situations where I am.

I danced and enjoyed myself alone for the whole night while Brad, his wife and Derby hung out together on the spur of the moment, Mono worked more hours than he said he was going to and PN filled our date night with homework. It was all good by the next day when we had a really good Halloween party together.
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  #1502  
Old 11-06-2012, 02:15 AM
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I have really loving, kind, talented, giving partners.

I went home sick today after getting a flu bug from Brad this past weekend. I spent the day rushing to the bathroom and feverishly sleeping. By this afternoon I was empty, thirsty, hungry and ready to see if something would stay down. Mono came home early to check on me, clean the bathroom, pick up LB to take him to piano. A job I was going to do myself today. Derby came over shortly afterward and made me two yummy concotions one with hot water, ginger, honey and the other with freshly squeezed juice, salt and cold water. I've never tasted anything so good in all my life! She's a lovely nurse. So calm, merry and reassuruing with her ways. I felt very safe and taken care of. PN came home after those two left and made Mono, LB and himself dinner before going out. All day Brad texted me apologizing, offering support by empathizing and promising to make it up to me.

I feel somewhat better now. Just waiting for Mono and LB to come in and entertain me while I lay here with their banter and video game talk. I suspect I will nod on and off, but feel I content and loved.
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  #1503  
Old 11-06-2012, 03:04 AM
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I'm sorry that you are sick, but I really wish I had a "LOVE" button for the support you're feeling today.
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  #1504  
Old 11-06-2012, 07:29 PM
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That flu bug is making the rounds everywhere. Nasty little bugger. My oldest and I had it 2 weeks ago. Get well!
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  #1505  
Old 11-08-2012, 03:21 PM
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It was a bad one. Finally feel on top of it after three days. I had to rearrange my holiday time into sick time as I ran out of days. Its the first year I've used up all my sick and vacation time in 12 years. 26 days of vacation and 12 days sick leave. I'm struggling to stay on top of my compassion fatigue these days and took lots of time off for me.
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  #1506  
Old 11-09-2012, 06:55 AM
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The mood at work is rather sour these days. Looming strike, co-workers that don't talk to me, avoid me or just plain old tell me I'm annoying (yes, that happened for real). I'm feeling really down about it more and more. Usually I can leave it behind and come home to my happy home life, but lately, with lack of things to take care of at home, it is hovering over me like a dark cloud.

Its hard not to when I feel when after all these years things should of got better for my clients and for me, but instead they have got worse. Where we used to have a lovely house and garden to run our program out of we now have a converted room that is small and cramped with windows high above on the walls so no one can see out. The carpet is shabby and dirty, we share the space with other groups so our space is not our own and we need to put everything away every night. We have few items that belong to us any more and have less staff, more clients and more drama between clients. I won't go on, but I am tired of it. I'm getting tired of feeling like I am under paid (no raise in five years), under appreciated and over skilled for the job at this point.... so what to do?

Part of the problem is that its all a cycle. I feel under appreciated often on many levels so I decided to not spend my energy on people that don't appreciate me, then I find that I begin to not appreciate others also and I run into a trap.

I think part of what I need to do is to start appreciating people more. I used to reach out and tell people I appreciate them and I don't anymore. I don't because I am so burnt out on my own feelings of not being appreciated I don't see those that I do appreciate out side of my family tribe.

Actually, I've spent the good part of a couple of years backing out of relationships entirely at work and everywhere else in life to the point that I really hardly have any left any more. I stick with my partners and thats it. Its not good I don't think. All my eggs in one basket is not a good thing.

What I am finding with poly; in my own experience as a woman in committed, love filled relationships is that I have no room for anyone else and no need for anyone else. I'm filled up so full on support and love that I don't need to engage anyone else. Is that healthy? I have never been in a position whereby I am not endlessly searching to feel a sense of belonging and fulfillment. It feels strange and healing all at the same time. Like I can go it alone in the world and be okay.

One day I would like it if I needed no one else but myself in the world and yet still have people to be with as partners and friends and co-workers. I feel that time coming. I've always been afraid of being alone. Like I will lose my mind in fear. The longer I am in these relationships the more I want to try being alone. Not that I want to end them, far from it, just the more I figure I could be alone...

I have reached a point where I don't care what others think of me and whether or not I fit in. I find myself wandering through my days barely engaging at all with others to the point where I come across as rather stupid in conversations and controlling because I am not getting my way. I am sometimes surprised that I have to do something that isn't something I would do... interrupted from being out of the loop is how it feels. I am jarred back into the reality that I am surrounded by others often these days.

So, there it is. I guess I will continue on and find ways to disengage more and more at work so as to survive being there. At least until I figure out what to do next.
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  #1507  
Old 11-09-2012, 07:11 AM
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<sigh>

People can really suck, RP. They don't deserve having you around.

As a former boss used to tell me: "Don't let the bastards get you down!"
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  #1508  
Old 11-09-2012, 03:22 PM
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Thanks nycindie. I hope you are well. I enjoy reading your blog when I can. Thanks for writing.
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  #1509  
Old 11-15-2012, 10:30 AM
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I had a lovely get away with Brad this weekend. One night in a cabin in the woods for my birthday. A month early, but it was really nice to be treated. He thought of everything, including making pasta together. So relaxing. We celebrated 6 months.
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  #1510  
Old 11-15-2012, 10:36 AM
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This week is marking a change for Mono and I. He finally confessed that the door to loving others has been open wide for a long time. Since he fell for his female friend. He asked me to have an open relationship with him where he does his own thing and I don't ask questions. An open relationship with a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy (DADT). In his mind he has been living like that for awhile and not telling me. He didn't want to cheat so he finally took a moment and let it out.

He has someone(s) in mind but the over all up shot of it is he wants autonomy from me completely. Control over his life. He's over feeling jealous about anyone that comes into my life and thinks I shouldn't be concerned with telling him what I do either.

The woman he likely will approach first is married and not non-monogamous. That's all I know. She would be cheating. He thinks it should be up to individuals how they conduct their lives and that he doesn't intend to involve any women in his life and family beyond seeing them once in awhile. So he isn't concerned that they would be cheating.

I haven't agreed to his terms yet. I asked for no cheaters and for some communication from him as to who he is with when, but he won't budge on his boundaries. I intend to ask for no truck sex so that I might sit in his truck and not think about that, but I am doubting that will be okay with him either. I told him our fluid bond would be over and that I would likely not want to have sex with him at all. I bought condoms incase I decide otherwise.

Tonight we talked about taking a break from one another all together. A few month's of no relationship other than with our family. I don't know if I can do it. I would like to see him get through his retirement before doing anything, but I don't think that is going to be how this plays out. He's on a fast track at the moment and heading for his version of control over his life. There is nothing I can do except brace myself for the worst and do my best to eat and sleep.
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bdsm, boundaries, breaking up, casual sex, children, coming out, coming out to family, communication, family, foundations, kids, ldr, ldrs, mono poly, mono poly dating nature, mono/poly, moving in, negotiations, poly-fi, poly-fidelous, redpepper, rules, swinging, third partner, vee

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