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  #11  
Old 11-09-2012, 02:05 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I have equal but separate relationships with my husband and boyfriend.
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  #12  
Old 11-09-2012, 02:07 AM
Silkanie Silkanie is offline
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To answer your initial question, Yes, it is possible, but in my relationship it is basically required that everyone treat everyone as equal and lovingly as possible and that all parties 'are primaries' and our relationship is closed otherwise.

To remark on the rest of your situation...two months is too soon, four months is too soon, six maybe. This coming summer I will be moving in with one of my partners as we are in an LDR, as she's the newest partner we'll have been partners for almost year and a half at that point and we'll have been close friends for about three years total (including my partners as the closest and most intimate kind of friend).

Jumping on it after only two months seems like a recipe for disaster. You will be at the mercy of the wind and their mood. His partner that it doesn't seem you know much about at all will (be in the same house?) have significant power over the stability of your living arrangements.

Not only would I advise heavily against rushing this, I believe you need to visit often for a fair period of time, set up a place of your own in the area even if it causes more financial challenges, take your time to be careful. Visit them as often as you can, talk, come to agreements, be affectionate, but lay the grounds and get to know eachother well. Make sure you can live with him.

I know in some ways what I'm saying might come off as harsh and painful in it's slowness. But be slow and steady and in truth things will happen fast, haste will make waste and little will last.
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  #13  
Old 11-09-2012, 06:46 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silkanie View Post
His partner that it doesn't seem you know much about at all will (be in the same house?) have significant power over the stability of your living arrangements . . . Make sure you can live with him.
I did not get the sense from the OP's post that she wants to move in with him, but just to move closer to him and live in his city. And we do not even know whether or not his other relationship is with someone he lives with, so jumping the gun a bit there.

However, I agree that it's too soon. We have many situations where someone transplants themselves to be near a lover when it is very early on in the relationship, and it pretty much crashes and burns very soon after the move. There are many threads about it here.


OP, just keep in mind that the beginning stages of a relationship is a period where we are influenced by chemicals in our brain (oxytocin, endorphins, etc.) and are basically drugged into thinking we're falling in love, when it is really just the newness, excitement, and lust. Not a good time to make big decisions when we're stoned.
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  #14  
Old 11-09-2012, 01:53 PM
jewels6675 jewels6675 is offline
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First off you're right...I have no intentions of living with him. Should I end up moving...I will be living by myself with my dog and cat!!!

Secondly I personally feel as we get older we tend to know quicker as to what it is we want. I'm not a young 20 something person who is still trying to figure out who she is. I know who I am...and I know what I want out of life...academically, professionally, and eventually in my personal life as well.

Third...he wouldn't be the only reason behind my move. I have worked my ass off the last 5 years going back to school and getting my degree with honors at that. It is very important to me to be successfull in my career...and where I live at this very moment, is going to make it close to impossible to achieve my goals.

So yes he would be a factor in my decision to move...but not the soul factor.
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  #15  
Old 11-09-2012, 03:11 PM
Silkanie Silkanie is offline
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Then to start my response, I'm sorry for misunderstanding your choice of methods in your move. I don't want to offend, I'd like to help and in trying to help I do my best to be forwards and to the point.

While we get older we might get wiser and be more easily to understand what we want, but with age also comes our arrogance in our achievements as our pride gets stronger. If you're going to take your time moving in nearby and carefully approaching them, I think you're taking the right approach.

As a student in challenging fields nearing the completion of my own degree and looking to consolidate my own LDR I understand your pain and frustration at the distance. What you want is possible, I think it's more likely to be stable if you pursue a stable relationship with his primary as well, but there are others here who don't feel that's so important to the stability.
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  #16  
Old 11-09-2012, 03:42 PM
jewels6675 jewels6675 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silkanie View Post
Then to start my response, I'm sorry for misunderstanding your choice of methods in your move. I don't want to offend, I'd like to help and in trying to help I do my best to be forwards and to the point.
You didn't offend me and I do appreciate the advice that you and everyone else has given. This is a new situation I'm finding myself in and I'll take all the advice I can get. I like to think with age has come some wisdom to know not to rush into things, but sometimes our emotions get the best of us....even when we are older. I also feel that I have my priorities in order and am a person who is very goal oriented...and it's important to me to achieve those goals.

Thank you again for all the great advice!!!!
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  #17  
Old 11-10-2012, 10:59 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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The terms "primary" and "secondary" in poly mean different things to different people - there have been long discussions on this board about that very subject.

I think that rather than concerning yourself with labelling what it is or what it can be, you instead spend some time thinking about what it is you want. You said in your earlier post wanting to spend "as much time as possible" with him - what does that mean to you?

What trappings of a relationship are important to you? You said that you weren't planning on moving in with him (which is what, by the way, some people think of as what "primary" means, just to give you an idea)... so what would you want or need this relationship to be like?

How much communication have you had with his current partner? My personal way of doing things like this is to get everyone together, whether it's in a room, or on Skype of FaceTime or whatever, and actually get everyone to talk about what their own needs are. See if there is enough common ground there to make it work.
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