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  #61  
Old 10-23-2012, 05:56 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by nurseypoo1 View Post
I do that stuff anyways. But thanx. Lol


Grooovy! Keep up the good work!
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  #62  
Old 10-23-2012, 08:24 PM
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I think asking him for more alone time would actually help in multiple areas. It would let him know you want him, and would give him a way to "be a better husband" and not feel as guilty. Plus it's something you want anyway. I'd say focus on that for a bit until it gets resolved; tackle one bit of a problem at a time.
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  #63  
Old 10-23-2012, 11:14 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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Thats good advice. I asked him where this came from all of a sudden...he said that she told him the reason i "allow" this is so he wont leave me...if i let him do what he wants...and im the "coolest" wife ever...i did voice my opinion on that and let him know it couldnt be farther from the truth. Im a little miffed that she would say that...especially since i never said that. Idk. Now im REALLY confused. Lol. If he leaves...he leaves. Its out of my control. This has nothing to do with it.
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  #64  
Old 10-24-2012, 02:24 AM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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The more i think about this...the angrier i get. He told me that they talk quite often about this whole thing. Why am i not involved in these conversations? I did say that him leaving me for her was one of my irrational fears...but i did not say wut she said i did. Feeling very conflicted and ready to throw in the towel completely. Now i have to wonder what else has been said that i don't know about... and am i being lied to about anything.
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  #65  
Old 10-24-2012, 07:27 PM
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Sounds like it is time for a careful sit-down, with all three of you involved in the discussion. They're probably not deliberately hiding things from you, but you need an opportunity to ask them whatever they have said in detail. Remember, though, these kinds of discussions are much more productive if no one insinuates any accusations. You'd just be asking them to tell you more about what they perceive as far as you being in the equation. And you'd be sharing the details of your feelings with them, so that they don't mis-read anything. Plus of course finding out how they feel about various things.

If she said you are the "coolest wife ever," then I would suggest taking that into account. She isn't looking down the nose at you, she is just making assumptions or misunderstanding your feelings/intent. That's why I say all three of you should talk, so that you can all get on the same page (about a number of topics).

Actually it might be wise for you guys to schedule regular three-person sit-downs, such as once a month or once a week (depending on how often/quickly misperceptions pop up). Communication is so important in polyamory. Without communication, people start making assumptions based on their own lenses. The best way to fix that is to get everyone together to talk.

As difficult as it is, try to not come from a place of anger when you talk with the other two. You are trying to obtain information and get a better idea of what is going on. And, you are trying to let them know of how you feel about various things, so that it's official.

People tend to assume that communication isn't necessary for certain things, as those things are just obvious. In reality, the "most obvious" things are often the things that need communicating the most. Assumptions are perilous, and can lead to a lot of bad feelings. Try not to assume. Get the absolute truth, directly from the person in question.
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  #66  
Old 10-25-2012, 12:15 AM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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Thanx kdt. She never actually said im the coolest wife ever. That was just my sarcasm showing. Lol. I guess it just hurts that im not included in their millions of conversations. Mainly becuz im at work all day and since my husband is his own boss... I dont think shes looking down at me. Not at all really. Im just very jealous that she talks to my husband more than i do. Im really trying not to b so selfish. Its just very hard sometimes. He has always given me what i want whenever i want it. Im a spoiled brat. Lol. Its also hard because he is not used to talking about his feelings. I asked him again about the bad husband thing and we talked about it. I told him that if he couldnt take this kind of thing...and it was too damaging to his mental state and made him feel guilty...that he would have to make the decision to continue this and we would have to talk to her to change something or whatever. That was last nite. Every time i asked him if he had thought about it and come to any conclusions, he avoided the topic. I told him i noticed he avoided it, too. I just think that since im his wife...and he loves me more than life itself...its hard for him to tell me these things about another woman.
I think a sit down is a good idea. We have done it frequently before. He did realize though that communication is sooooo important. So thats good. I still feel crappy today...but not because of yesterday. Hopefully it passes soon...and all gets resolved.
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  #67  
Old 10-25-2012, 08:03 PM
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I just want to say that it is okay to express to them if you feel jealous about the many conversations they have with each other that you don't get to take part in. You don't have to frame that as an accusation, it's just a chance to share how you feel. This is hard for you, but you are trying. It's not all bad for them to know that.

I hope that you get feeling better, and that you have a positive and productive sit-down.
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  #68  
Old 11-08-2012, 09:06 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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So...been away a little while. Been focusing on getting kinks straightened out. Things have been going pretty well i would have to say. The other day my husband went out hunting with a woman who hunts with him and his buddies regularly. Her husband is one of these buddies. I didnt mind at all. He was up front about it being a woman...etc. and made sure i didnt mind. When he got home he was talking to his "gf" and she got VERY upset about it. Asked him if he was really hunting, stuff like that. She was extremely jealous over it. I guess later she told him that she didnt like it at all and she wasnt about to share him. Well...i have to share him...and I'M his WIFE. It took us by complete surprise. She has NEVER been jealous. I wonder if its actual jealousy of me? She says no...but where did that come from? How should i take this and how should we handle it if it arises again?
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  #69  
Old 11-09-2012, 01:29 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nurseypoo1 View Post
...Well...i have to share him...and I'M his WIFE. It took us by complete surprise. She has NEVER been jealous. I wonder if its actual jealousy of me? She says no...but where did that come from? How should i take this and how should we handle it if it arises again?
You might gain some insight from reading some old posts from redpepper's mono partner (MonoVCPHG). I seem to recall that he wrote excellent posts about his feelings about being a mono partner to a poly person. Part of it, I think, had to do with the fact that her husband and other established partners were already part of her life when he became involved with her and part of the "package" that he accepted when he elected to pursue a relationship with her, the dynamic of those relationships was already established and he respected those. The threat seemed to come with the idea of potential "new" partners being added to the mix - who were not part of the original package.

I don't know if your husband's "gf" is mono or poly herself but "new" interests represent change and change can be scary...

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #70  
Old 11-09-2012, 02:46 AM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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But its not like this new friend is a threat or anything. Shes just that...a friend. Shes always been monogamous and never thought about this lifestyle until we all talked one day. Afraid of change is sensible. But nothing is changing. Tonight she got upset cuz he was going hunting again. Hes hunted since he was little. So its nothing new for him. There were no cancelled plans...except mine. Lol. But i will read and see what i can find out. If im not upset though... please tell me why she may be.
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