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Old 02-22-2009, 06:06 AM
Reay Reay is offline
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Question Furthering my understanding

I was previously in a polyamoryous relationship with 2 ladies. the relationship lasted about 9 months. It's ending was the culmination of many things. To keep things simple and respect privacy I will refer to the other parties as Jen and Nan.

The relationship was new for me and initially very appealing. after making the commitments to both women I began to see things differently, not bad, I just realized the amount of attention that is necessary to hold such a relationship together. Added to the already challenging situation was influence from a social group that Jen and Nan belonged to. For me, the lifestyle from this social group incorporated into our relationship was the killer. They had an expectation that I would adopt all the principles they live by and all would be well. I did not.

I admit fault for not exercising more patience and making on the whim decisions.

So here's where I am now. I am still interested in a polyamorous relationship, BUT, I feel it prudent to learn more before attempting to court or court into another polyamorous relationship.

I welcome input from others, and please give me more than one liners. Detailed explanations of situations help more than just trying to "Direct me"
"What" is always so obvious, "why" is always key.
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Old 02-22-2009, 07:31 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reay View Post
The relationship was new for me and initially very appealing. after making the commitments to both women I began to see things differently, not bad, I just realized the amount of attention that is necessary to hold such a relationship together.
I know that when I was involved with the ex-GF, the arrangement wouldn't have worked had not both women--GF and wife--been fairly independent. Neither one expected to have all or even most of my available time and attention.

Now, even if I were mono, I couldn't be seriously involved with anybody who expected a great deal of time and attention; those relationships I explored where that cropped up I ended quickly. I'm always looking for indicators of that sort of thing when considering whether to get involved with someone, and it's a deal-breaker.

I suspect that a good deal of independence is a prerequisite for polyamory. I say that because I suspect that the ability to exist contentedly while sharing a partner's time and attention with others requires the security that engenders independence. I can certainly be wrong, though my limited experience bears this out.

Beyond overbearing demands for time and attention...yeah, it does take more work to balance multiple relationships. One has to consider each relationship at all times and work to keep each healthy. It takes time to work things out and time to negotiate what works for everybody involved.

Quote:
Added to the already challenging situation was influence from a social group that Jen and Nan belonged to. For me, the lifestyle from this social group incorporated into our relationship was the killer. They had an expectation that I would adopt all the principles they live by and all would be well. I did not.
That's the case with any relationship. The social group of any partner can prove problematic in the sense that it's not a good fit for you. It is part of the partner's life, however, so if it's not a good fit for you, that means the partner isn't really a good fit for you. As interesting as the partner may be, it's unlikely he or she just isn't compatible on that basis alone.

Quote:
So here's where I am now. I am still interested in a polyamorous relationship, BUT, I feel it prudent to learn more before attempting to court or court into another polyamorous relationship.

I welcome input from others, and please give me more than one liners. Detailed explanations of situations help more than just trying to "Direct me"
"What" is always so obvious, "why" is always key.
We are generally not taught how to select partners. We are not taught what makes for a compatible match. We get fed the notion of "love conquers all," which is, in my opinion, so much bullshit. I love an ex-wife dearly, and we still share an explosive attraction--and we understand that we are not compatible on a daily basis, so we've each found new partners and go on.

Whether entering a mono relationship or a poly relationship, we would be best served by assessing as many of the aspects of it as possible. In your case, if you knew the social group the ladies were part of in advance of getting involved, it would have proven useful to figure out how well you'd fit with it prior to any involvement.

Their friends, their religions, their relatives, their jobs--everything in which they are involved are part of them. Gauging compatibility includes gauging compatibility with all of those things, too.
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  #3  
Old 02-22-2009, 07:46 PM
thetriofus thetriofus is offline
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Default 2 of our experiences

Years ago we were looking to get into a poly relationship and thought we had found the perfect person. Problem is, we didn't know her as well as we thought we did. Months of courting and getting to know each other went by. Our children spent as much time together as we did. On the surface it looked to be the makings of one big happy family. Then things went horribly wrong. Jealousy was a problem from one, confusion from another and lack of commitment from the third. When everything was over there was a lot of hard feelings and sorrow. Jumping right into things is not what we found to be the problem, lack of communication, honesty and flexibility was. It was as if we were trying to make a poly relationship where everyone cared as deeply as the other from mid air. Obviously that didn't work for us.
Jumping ahead 5 years later, we are in one again. Much differently this time. Our third is an ex boyfriend from years ago that has come back into her life and accepts the fact he will not be the only man she is in love with. With that being said, L never actually fell out of love with him, she just moved on and couldn't be more thrilled to have him back in her life. There will be alot of work and effort, mostly from her to make sure we both get the attention we need, and a lot from me to make sure her attention to him does not interfere with our love.so far so good on all accounts. With the experience to know when all accounts are not good a discussion on how to make it better needs to happen, we will do fine. With that comes a willingness to search for a compromise that fulfills everyone's needs.

in short, building on an existing relationship has worked out much better than building one from scratch.
Hows that for not a one liner?
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Old 03-29-2009, 08:05 AM
BillFriend BillFriend is offline
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In this day, I wonder if it is a reasonable motivation to seek out polyamory, because no couple can be all things to each other, regardless of what the old love stories say.

Perhaps in my case, hopeful that if there were 2 or more ladies, they couldn't ALL be mad at me at once - lol
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