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Old 11-06-2012, 08:25 PM
JynLove JynLove is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Default Worry with my other partner

My partners other partner is exhibiting some negative behaviors.

-posting in a visibly public place her feeling regarding our hinge especially the bad things.

-publicly announcing to be monogamous and wanting "all of him" or she is walking away.

- I also know she has said some fairly negative things about him in private, but how I know this is complicated, but these things were said speaking to another person who is negative toward our hinge who is in some decent trouble and she was seeking incriminating evidence from this person.

I was first afraid he would leave me for her (a real and valid fear considering past events, and that we have not defined our relationship). He was able to assure me of my importance to him, so now I feel better. But now I fear she is going to hurt him. He is afraid I am going to walk away as well.

I need to accomplish a few things and any advice is appreciated.

- my gut instinct is telling me she is going to break his heart. So far i have kept quiet, but I feel like I am doing an injustice by not bringing to his attention all the things that clue me in. I keep coming back to "what if I'm wrong?". If I point out these bad things, what if in the end she is a nice girl and just having trouble??

- I know where my place is with him now, so I feel better. I am trying to break down my walls, but I feel like in the meantime he has erected some of his own. He fears I am going to say "F the whole complicated mess" and leave him. I am not. I care about him too much to just give up. I just needed reassurance, and I got it. It seems the opportunities for me to return that are harder to come by however.

- In his efforts to assure both of us, he is stretching himself so thin! I am worried for his safety. We have a serious issue going on in a group he and I are members of, and he drove me to the meeting we had with some others about it. (This is a big deal, I live an hour away). I found out that he got so tired he had to stop and sleep in his car on the way home. I know on the weekends he drives an hour the opposite direction from me to see her. As such I have tried not to be demanding of his time too much, I want him healthy and rested. I'm afraid he thinks I am pulling back because of mt insecurity again, but that's not the case. Definitely not helping my case to show him I am not leaving!

- I have decided to be non-sexual with him at this time. It's because I do not trust the other girl (I have a BIG fear of STD's especially being immune compromised). This also makes me appear to be pulling away.

The last one, I am so stuck on. I want him to know I am in this seriously! But I do NOT want to say bad things about the other girl and have any influence on his relationship with her. I can't tell him she's the reason I am doing certain things. Can I??

What would you do??
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Old 11-14-2012, 04:23 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Hi JynLove,

Quote:
Originally Posted by JynLove View Post
- my gut instinct is telling me she is going to break his heart. So far i have kept quiet, but I feel like I am doing an injustice by not bringing to his attention all the things that clue me in. I keep coming back to "what if I'm wrong?". If I point out these bad things, what if in the end she is a nice girl and just having trouble??
So what if you're wrong? Are you not allowed to be wrong, or make a mistake? That's a much bigger problem (as I see the world) than what your partner's partner might be doing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JynLove View Post
- I know where my place is with him now, so I feel better. I am trying to break down my walls, but I feel like in the meantime he has erected some of his own. He fears I am going to say "F the whole complicated mess" and leave him. I am not. I care about him too much to just give up. I just needed reassurance, and I got it. It seems the opportunities for me to return that are harder to come by however.
I recommend finding ways to say exactly this to him, whether he asks you to or not: "I know where my place is with him now, so I feel better."

Have you checked out The Five Love Languages? It's a great book, and I believe there's a website somewhere, you can take a quiz. Not everyone feels loved in the same ways. Knowing how you feel loved, and how he feels loved are helpful things to know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JynLove View Post
- I have decided to be non-sexual with him at this time. It's because I do not trust the other girl (I have a BIG fear of STD's especially being immune compromised). This also makes me appear to be pulling away.

The last one, I am so stuck on. I want him to know I am in this seriously! But I do NOT want to say bad things about the other girl and have any influence on his relationship with her. I can't tell him she's the reason I am doing certain things. Can I??
Why not? and, she's not the reason. You have a choice. You are choosing to things because of your assessments (judgements) about the situation. If you don't talk to him about it, how do you know that your assessments are correct? I'd say it would even be better to talk to her, but from what you've written, she does sound a bit of a cowgirl.

You don't have to 'say bad things' to talk to him about how you feel. You can say, 'I heard that so-and-so was doing x, and I feel abcdef about that.' You're entitled to feel whatever you feel, and express how you feel.

I wish you luck with this.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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