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  #21  
Old 11-06-2012, 03:09 PM
AudentesFortunaJuvat AudentesFortunaJuvat is offline
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When I look at what I wrote yesterday I'm completely disappointed in myself. I know I can be a better person than that. Everything nycindie said is very true. I have a lot of work to do on myself.
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  #22  
Old 11-06-2012, 08:17 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AudentesFortunaJuvat View Post
When I look at what I wrote yesterday I'm completely disappointed in myself. I know I can be a better person than that. Everything nycindie said is very true. I have a lot of work to do on myself.
Don't be disappointed in yourself - beating yourself up will only reinforce the negative thinking. We do stupid things, say dumb shit, and punish ourselves - but the punishing part only keeps us stuck in the pattern of negative thinking and leads us to do all the dumb shit all over again. It's like after we've done our penance we think "Okay, I can start over and fuck up again."

Actually, you have lots to be happy about. You have this relationship with an exciting woman who turns you on, and have gained a lot of important insights about yourself in the process, which is a lot more than other folks do when they're in relationships. You seek out support with your friends in real life and braved coming here for feedback. I'd say you're a fucking success, so do NOT give in to the temptation of feeling like you should be different than who you are!

The past is dead, the future isn't here yet, all you got is NOW - make the best of the present moment!
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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  #23  
Old 12-12-2012, 10:15 PM
AudentesFortunaJuvat AudentesFortunaJuvat is offline
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Update for anyone interested. This past Sunday I returned from spending 9 days with my friend. It was the absolutely most amazing time. Truly amazing. We hit it off from the second we embraced for the first time. The sex was absolutely mind blowing and doing the tourist bit was fun. We were pretty much acting like a couple the whole time. Being with her was awesome. All the worries about not hitting it off went out the door in an instant. We were great lovers and great friends.

Now I find myself at a real crossroads. It's sad that there is so much distance between us yet at the same time who knows how it would be if we spend more time together. It's clear I'm more emotionally vested in the relationship than she is. She's a very hot and cold and at times seems to be really good at "turning off" her feelings. At least for a while.

In the end the only thing we can ever have is a friendship and a long-distance one at that. We have plans for the future but like I said, she's hot and cold and some days she's sure about them and some days she right down says they will never happen.

I don't quite know what I'm feeling right now. I'm missing her like crazy, I'm scared for continuing falling for her, but I also know I can't quite quit her. I also wonder how much of what I'm feeling still has to do with my divorce and actually having "someone" again if only for a few days.

Luckily I have plenty of travelling plans for the next few months. It should give me time to process everything and find an equilibrium. Thanks to everyone that has read this and adviced me!
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  #24  
Old 12-13-2012, 05:36 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I'm glad you had a great time, I know those feelings must not be fun to deal with, it sounds like you're aware of what you are thinking and feeling, which is good. Just make sure to be open to all the other wonderful people in the world.
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  #25  
Old 12-17-2012, 02:58 PM
AudentesFortunaJuvat AudentesFortunaJuvat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I'm glad you had a great time, I know those feelings must not be fun to deal with, it sounds like you're aware of what you are thinking and feeling, which is good. Just make sure to be open to all the other wonderful people in the world.
Thanks for your reply. Your final line, about being open to all the wonderful people of the world really resonates with me. It's a thought I had in the back of my mind but it's always good to hear those things from someone else.
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  #26  
Old 12-17-2012, 03:41 PM
AudentesFortunaJuvat AudentesFortunaJuvat is offline
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Default Need some advice with new developments.

I'm a bit fuzzy today, didn't get much sleep last night. Some news came out yesterday that I have to deal with should this friendship go forward. I'm trying to be as rational as possible so please bare with me.

I'm also beginning to think this might not belong in a polyamory forum. As I have explained before, my friend is in an open marriage where she is allowed to have sexual encounters but neither her nor her husband are looking for relationships. Just sex. If this is not the forum, please let me know and maybe you can point me elsewhere.

So, I'm was still in cloud 9 from our recent trip. It was amazing and I was really riding the wave as they say. Since we agreed to our rendevouz, I knew "the rules" and the consequences. I knew her lifestyle and I knew that this would be about sex and friendship and nothing else. I tried to prepare myself as much as possible.

I won't lie though, after our trip I find myself a bit emotionally attached to her. I told myself it's temporary and I'll get over those feelings eventually. I also knew that eventually there would be other rendevous with other men and I also began preparing myself for that. "It's just sex" I kept telling myself. Well, as much as I tried to prepare for it, nothing would prepare me to hear about the next rendevous just one week after coming back from our trip together!

As we were having a conversation through Facetime she told me of her "upcoming meeting with someone." Seeing the look in my face she immediately said "It's nothing like you and I! No travelling, I'm not bringing him home. It's totally different." It totally caught me off guard. She then continued trying to reassure me that this wasn't spur of the moment and it had been in the works since "way before our trip." I don't know that that actually made it any better. I had a mini-panic attack and I pushed for details but she shut down and told me she would not be telling me anything about if before, during or after. That's fine with me, I understand.

So here is where I am right now:

Most of my pain right now comes from the timing. Like I told her "your smell is still on me" and "I'm still in London." It just hurts that it's happening so fast. But like I have learned here and elsewhere, this is my problem and not hers. So it will take me some time to get over this but I will.

I'm also hurt that she broke our agreement. We talked during our trip about this. I told her that I knew there would be others and all I asked from her was that if she felt she had to tell me, then tell after the fact, not before or during. I'm going through waves of emotion right now and at times it kills me to think "when is it happening." That's why I told her that if she had to tell me, it had to be afterwards.

I'm terribly confused right now. I'm very surprised this hit me as hard as it did, I read from that that my emotional attachment to her is much stronger than I believed. This worries me because now I don't know how to proceed. I don't want to end the friendship, by any means, I do care for her deeply...but then how do I detach myself emotionally from those feelings? I have always understood that there can NEVER EVER be anything else between her and I. What with distance and her marriage and all. So I feel quite foolish for having these feelings.

This should not be a big deal. So my friend who I had sex with is having a sexual rendevous with someone else, so what? I should be happy for her for fulfilling her dreams and desires. I want to feel compersion. I want a rich friendship in which we can be great friends and travel and have fun and allow each other to have fun. If it were me having this meeting, she would be so thrilled for me! How can I get to that place? How do I know if I'm cut out for this? Reading what I just wrote makes so much sense but it does not align with how I'm feeling in my chest at the moment. I don't want to lose her friendship, I don't want to "break up" but I don't know how to get past this.
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  #27  
Old 12-23-2012, 05:27 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default It sounds like you want to be able to handle it

but the situation you are creating is probably going to end up in a lot hurt. Like others have said, you cannot stop yourself from falling in love. But Love doesn't have to be restricted to the definition of Love like that of a primary partner, just because she will never be anything more than friends, and the relationship includes sex, is no reason you cannot love her unless you decide it can only be that way. Some people even feel it has to be that way and it's just who they are.

If you are going to be as close with her as you are telling us you have been, it will be extremely hard to put restrictions on her about not being able to share things with you. It is all but impossible to have a healthy friendship with a person going about it the way you are. Talking as much as you do, and her not being able to mention any plans until after the fact won't work unless you are able to employ some super serious denial. It is like setting your clock fifteen minutes fast, and then expecting yourself to "forget" its not fast. It will help you to not be late, but I don't know anybody who can honestly believe their fast clock isn't fast when they see clock that isn't.

that analogy might not make sense until I add that the situation would be as if every time you failed to "forget" your watch was fast (which is every time you had to be somewhere at a specific time) you get all butt hurt about it.

Getting butt hurt was kind of harsh, I don't mean to down play your feelings. However you are going to have to find a way to get over the fact that you are not her boyfriend, because otherwise if you don't change anything you are doing it will damage her relationships or your ability to be emotionally happy and stable. Continuing on without changing, will cause damage. So even if you are mature enough for the damage to not affect her other relationships, the damage will all fall on you emotionally. If you let this happen, you are not treating yourself as well as you need to be.

If you are honestly are as close friends as your story sounds, you won't be able to remain in denial about it being as casual as you or her are labeling it. This is a tough situation because you need to keep in mind she has spouse and that is a relationship you need to be respectful of. But if he and she are willing to let you be as close as you are, and she is as sexually active as you are making her sound, one way to get over your jealousy issues that I would recommend is to witness her having sex with another man. It goes without saying that she and the other man would have to be OK with that, but it has "cured" people of their jealousy issues, however it can open up a whole nuther can of issues, as it can become a fairly kink, that now takes three people to all be onboard and desire the same thing.

But you may get lucky, if she agrees to it once and after she knows she doesn't like being watched, hopefully witnessing that which you had trouble accepting will be enough for you to accept the sex acts with others so that you can remain healthy friends with each other.

Because if you continue to have the trouble to the extent you describe in this thread, something has to give and it eventually will. Unfortunately not recognizing this will may wreck your friendship beyond being repaired and it's not pleasant, not matter how much anybody wants it to be.

There are no absolute laws in friendships like this and it would be great if you could defy the likely outcomes of what countless others have experienced, which pretty much doesn't stray far from casual relationships needed to be kept casual. And closer relationships needing to remain close which means open, honest, and without rules that enforce rituals such as living in denial.

Hope all can be maintained the way you desire it to be
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  #28  
Old 01-08-2013, 06:42 PM
AudentesFortunaJuvat AudentesFortunaJuvat is offline
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Default An update.

Thanks for your reply. I have been thinking about this a lot, of course. I'm not in love with her. It's more like lust. Lust like I have never felt before. I hate to say it but it's a bit of an obsession too. She feeds my neediness and co-dependency like no one else. I feel so unhealthy with how I feel about her.

Here is the thing though, in the middle of all of this I have met someone else. It amazes me how different this girl is to London Girl. Total opposite. A big plus is she doesn't bring out the neediness and stuff, but she's more interested in dating and I'm nowhere near ready to date anyone. If I were healthier, I'd be super excited about this new girl. It's all so confusing...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
but the situation you are creating is probably going to end up in a lot hurt. Like others have said, you cannot stop yourself from falling in love. But Love doesn't have to be restricted to the definition of Love like that of a primary partner, just because she will never be anything more than friends, and the relationship includes sex, is no reason you cannot love her unless you decide it can only be that way. Some people even feel it has to be that way and it's just who they are.
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