From the smoking ruins
Here I am, sitting and looking over the ruins of a quad, a family, a marriage. How did this happen? How did we get here? Should we be a feature on Jerry Springer? Originally, I was going to write a complete history of Skye and I, and while I am going to finish it since it’s close to done, posting it here seems like it may not add any actual value and take up a lot of space. So instead, I’ll start a little less far into the past, roughly two and a half years ago. There are other bits of info from the larger history that I’ll add in as I think are appropriate in this context. Hopefully, I’ll be able to keep this as unbiased as possible, noting non-factual information.
Avatar - Me
Skye – My spouse of 17 years
Busbuddha – Former quadmate
Buns – Spouse of Busbuddha (she does’t have an account here, so I’m using another alias of hers)
Crush – Friend of Skye and I, which Skye has had a thing for for years
Tomato – Eldest child of Skye and I
Pickle – Child of Busbuddha and Buns
Onion – Legal child of Skye and I, biological child of Skye and Busbuddha (natural conception)
Background (snippets from larger history):
Skye and I are not strangers to non-monogamy. We started in it some 10 years back. First a GF for Skye, which while I had fairness issues about, gave the go ahead on. (In the end, it didn’t work out, as Skye was a bi girl in a lesbian world.) Then a wild fling with a close friend of ours that lasted a good long while, even after the friend moved farther away. Skye then moved on to various online sites looking for potential play partners, and I followed along. A second potential GF for Skye came along, but didn’t work out either, partially I feel because the candidate wanted to be with both Skye and I while Skye wanted them all to herself. All in all, it was good, especially for me, which I’ll get to in a minute. We were going something together that we both were enjoying. Excellent! Everything seemed great, until, one day, as if out of nowhere, Skye was done. I didn’t recognize it at first, and it wasn’t until we got into it that the truth come out. She’d only been doing it for me the whole time, and it was pissing her off that I was so absorbed in it and pushing it on her. And while she would grudgingly give permission for me and that long time friend to play together, she wasn’t happy about it, feeling like she was being pressured into it.
Why was entrance into non-monogamy good for me? This goes back into my personal history. I’ve always “known” I was a bit different. I’ve almost always sought out or at least felt the *need* to have multiple connections with females. In youth, this translated to being surrounded by females in various capacities. Emotional, physical, some combo of both. Every best friend I’ve ever had has been female, and there has been something physical between us as well. Because of my upbringing, I thought this meant I was a horrible person. A womanizer, a deviant, a potential cheater and home wrecker, a sinner. When Skye and I first met, most of my friends were female, and flirty. I forced myself into monogamy any time I had an official relationship, including my marriage to Skye. And it was hard. Very hard. The draw was there the whole time, and I beat myself up over it. In my mind, I was a horrible husband for what I was feeling. It wasn’t until Skye and I ventured into non-monogamy that I was not only getting a level of fulfillment of that draw, but feeling ok with having that draw. I was making connections, connections that still last to this day. It wasn’t until way later that I learned about Polyamory. And when I did, it all made sense. It was like a light came on in my head – “Oh! That’s it, that’s it exactly. Now it all makes sense. And, I’m normal, not a bad person after all!”
So, about two and a half years ago, I met Busbuddha and Buns through one of my hobbies. We really hit it off, and I introduced them to Skye. It was something akin to love at first site. All four of us, by all accounts, were immediately drawn together. Being together felt “right” from the start, with the feeling that we would always be together. Not far into it, we were looking into being more than friends, which introduced us to the ideas of Polyamory. In her typical style, Skye got heavily into it, researching, reading, learning. Each of us followed suit in our own way, and we talked about it a few times, but we never did anything official. We played together, and individually, and started developing the individual relationships. For me, it was that need of mine, that draw getting fulfilled again, and it felt great. I now knew who and what I was, and was getting closer to actually living it. The prospect was very exciting.
It was a wild summer, and we all got really close. Skye and I had been trying for a second child for years without luck, so we asked Buns and Busbuddha if they would be comfortable lending us a hand. They agreed, and like magic, it worked the first time. Months later, Buns too became pregnant, something the girls had cooked up so they could have the experience together. A few months into pregnancy, Skye pulled back. She couldn’t handle it, needed it to go back to friends only. The pregnancy was too much, the massive rush of hormones mixed with her not being able to take her antidepressants. She couldn’t think properly, and didn’t want to be making decisions when she was like this. We all agreed to take a step back, just hang out while this all passed, then see what’s what later on. It was a rough period, with both girls emotionally all over the place. But, we stuck it out, hung in there. 7mo later, Onion came along, and we were all happy to see the new little person in our lives. The same when Pickle arrived, so tiny and wrinkled. And there we were, all seven of us, a happy family of sorts.
Over the course of the next year, nothing really happened. Skye put it all off, over and over, saying she wasn’t ready to think about it. She started to withdraw a bit, pointedly separating the two little families in different ways. She would get upset whenever I tried to talk to her about it, feeling like I was pressuring her or getting angry at her about it. In the early part of this year, I felt she was done, over with it, and told her so. I told her that we couldn’t be leading them on about it, dangling that hope, if she already knew it wasn’t something she wanted. She just needed to say it, let us all know. I’d give it all up. That last hurt a lot, as I knew I’d be going back into the closet again, so to speak, and probably for good, as I didn’t want to go through all this again.
Early spring found me contemplating my marriage with Skye, and myself. I knew I hadn’t been a great husband for her. Nor had I been good to myself. I’d been hiding myself from Skye, withholding my feelings from her for far, far too long. Our marriage had never been great, and, it was about time I got off my ass and did the work I’d always known I should be doing in the first place. This too I told Skye, who was rather skeptical. Why would I change after all this time? Simple – because I knew that I needed to, had known all along, I was getting too old to pretend I could get to it later, and frankly I was tired of the way things had been. I wanted to be the best that I could be, be myself. Well, as much as I could be, as the poly part was, in my mind, going to have to be stifled and locked away forever. I started out, deciding to work on communication first, as it touched so many areas, including emotional expression. Both were things that Skye has always found missing from our marriage, and both were things I’d carefully locked away from her in our past.
In the May/June timeframe, a couple of things developed. First, Crush entered the picture. He and Skye started talking more frequently, as he was in the process of divorce and needed a friend to talk to. Skye was more than happy to be a help, lend an ear. Secondly, another poly couple started talking with Buns and Busbuddha, taking more than a passing interest in them. To me, the two of these combined to make a change in Skye’s position. Perhaps I should have read the warning signs, questioned a little more. From her own words, Skye isn’t sure exactly why she chose what came next. Was it to give her the ability to pursue Crush? To keep from losing Buns and Busbuddha to another couple, breaking up what the four of us had? A combination of both?
Regardless, in mid July, after talking with each other and my asking repeatedly if she was sure she wanted this, Skye and I sat down with Buns and Busbuddha to see if we could make something official. We talked about what it would look like, what we could all agree on, made sure everyone was on board. And, on July 13th, we officially became a quad together. We were “On like Donkey Kong.” I was ecstatic. We were doing it! I was doing it, finally going to live as a poly, and it felt so natural. Skye seemed pleased, and her pursuit of Crush started in earnest. Busbuddha went on to try and catch her attention, and Buns and I grinned like little devils at each other. Talk of things like living together started again, with some level of seriousness. It was good. It was very good.