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  #11  
Old 11-05-2012, 06:07 AM
Coraline Coraline is offline
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Thank you all so, so much for the thoughtful replies. I have asked myself if I would have been as upset if he had been, say, texting his mom, and the answer is probably not. It's almost entirely about the other girl. He's been ambivalent about getting a ring from the start, so I haven't had hard feelings about his low interest in the ring buying. It was the other girl potentially knowing we were ring shopping that bothered me. All the stories have in common my feeling like I don't want her thinking she's more important than me. I wondered if this was a feeling other people have had. It's that I don't want her thinking she's special to him, to be completely honest. And this is me digging into the darkest, most embarrassing parts of myself to admit this.

I've accepted the fact that I can be crazy jealous, but this is the first time it has ever caused me to dislike the girlfriend. It normally comes out with me being angry with the bf, not with the girl he's interested in. I wasn't sure if anyone else had the other interest as the object of their jealousy.

I also appreciate the support from people who acknowledge there isn't one right way to do this. I've detached almost entirely from my local poly community because I got tired of being lectured about how I'm doing it wrong because I don't cheer every time my bf has sex with someone else. It's taken me years to finally accept that I have jealousy, and I feel like it's been a positive evolution to the place I'm in now, where I can accept the jealousy as a challenge to work on and stop judging myself so harshly.
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  #12  
Old 11-05-2012, 04:10 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
All the stories have in common my feeling like I don't want her thinking she's more important than me. I wondered if this was a feeling other people have had. It's that I don't want her thinking she's special to him, to be completely honest. And this is me digging into the darkest, most embarrassing parts of myself to admit this.
Shining a light in dark corners is part of growth. I have my "oh, so very human" moments that are cringey.

Is anything here helpful to you? Are you doing all of page 5? Does he do page 6?
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

You really cannot control what she thinks. What's that desire to control her thoughts speaking to?

You worried about being "less than" is a theme -- what does that speak to?

Accept this is personal suckage -- shining a light in dark corners. But we all have those corners. And you own both the light and the dark.

I don't know if this helps... but "Namaste" could mean something like "The Light in me sees the Light in you." A recognition, a salute. A salutation.

I was struggling this summer with shining light in dark corners of my own and DH summed it all up in that way he does. I love him for this.

He listened to my cringey, nodded and told me "Ok. So you are human. Guess what? The Dark in me sees the Dark in you. Namaste. I salute your Darkness in the name of Light."

I stared at him mouth agape and then I started to laugh and I felt uplifted, validated, reassured, loved, and all kinds of others emotions bubbling up.

"Great. We have "Namaste" and "Namaste, dammit!" now." I joked.

I knew I was being only human and that it was ok. I guess what I was struggling with was "I need to be SEEN! See me!" and articulating the need to be validated as such. I am human, I have those human moments. There!

I just didn't know I needed that until I got it from him and I felt better hearing him say it to me.

This weekend we passed a car and he started to laugh and nudged me. "Look inside." And I peeked in the car window and a bumper sticker on the glove compartment read "Namaste, bitches!" and I grinned. I don't know why the car owner liked it, but I know why DH and I were amused!

So in case that is your need right now...

I see you.
I see you.
I see you.

Namaste. Light and Dark, Dark and Light.

The human condition is a trip!

Shine on.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-05-2012 at 04:15 PM.
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  #13  
Old 11-06-2012, 05:35 AM
Coraline Coraline is offline
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Thank you, thank you, GalaGirl! I don't even know you, but your post made me feel warm and happy, and honestly calmed some of my feelings about the other girlfriend, who I can see for the first time as another soul looking for the same things I am.

I have printed pages 5 and 6, and plan to go over them with the bf, though, inevitably, these conversations always lead me to feel silly since it always turns out there's nothing for me to worry about.
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  #14  
Old 11-06-2012, 06:02 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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though, inevitably, these conversations always lead me to feel silly since it always turns out there's nothing for me to worry about.
And doesn't that feel GOOD?

The reassure? To get to KNOW it was nothing to worry over all along? And be able to relieve your suffering "worry" things?

Rather than to be suffering "worry" things in silence unknowing and no reassure in sight? "Silly" or not -- I rather go with feeling better.

Glad it helped alleviate some, and I hope your talk with BF adds more reassure so you can breathe even more easily. BREATHE!

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-06-2012 at 03:42 PM.
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  #15  
Old 11-06-2012, 05:47 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coraline View Post

I have printed pages 5 and 6, and plan to go over them with the bf, though, inevitably, these conversations always lead me to feel silly since it always turns out there's nothing for me to worry about.
I've certainly been there, and that's true, but...

Don't feel silly because there may actually be something to what you're feeling.

Sometimes there's pressure on us not to validate our feelings because we don't want to be jealous, or seem controlling, etc. We want to seem like totally cool poly people who are fine with everything, and that may be allowing for serious issues to go unchecked. There are also folks who take advantage of that -- they try to make partners feel guilty in order to get what they want rather than negotiate.

I'm not saying that's what's going on in your situation (sounds like it isn't), but I'd say don't push down or ignore your petty/jealous feelings. Those feelings are telling us something -- maybe we have to do more work on ourselves, maybe it means there's a lack of clarity or communication with our partner/s, or maybe it means that there really is something going on that's not okay.

Good luck!
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  #16  
Old 11-07-2012, 09:36 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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So it seems you want to be the most important person to him. You want him to love you more than he loves her, and you want to be more special than she is.

Putting aside the fact that it seems you have no reason to worry... why does it matter to you? Do you fear that you would lose him if you're not the most important one? Or are you worried that you and her will "fight" and he'll pick her side? Or, even if you get along and you know he won't leave you, would that still hurt you not to be #1?

I am not saying you are wrong to feel this way or that I don't understand it. I'm simply thinking that asking yourself these questions might help you understand your own feelings better, and maybe control them a bit better, too, so that they don't bother you as much as they have.
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  #17  
Old 11-07-2012, 11:02 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Coraline,

I'm going to disagree with some of the advice posted here and suggest that there is a lot more going on here than simple petty jealousy.

Why was your boyfriend ambivalent about ring shopping? Is he just ambivalent about the ring (outdated symbolism, etc), or are you detecting ambivalence about the marriage itself?

Why was he so interested in texting his girlfriend during the ring shopping, instead of being present in that special moment with you?

In the other texting/phone incident: you had fears that his phone hadn't really died and that he kept texting the girlfriend while indicating to you that his phone had died. Are those fears all in your head, or valid in some way?

I think you and your fiance should have some serious discussions about these issues. It might be resolved with better communication; or it might be a sign of some deeper problems.

The way you describe your fiance's relationship with the other girl is somewhat vague. Is she his girlfriend? Do they use the label secondary? Or is their relationship more casual? Are they committed to a future together in some way? How do you feel about their relationship?

As far as the original incident with the girl(friend) running over to greet him in the restaurant: maybe she is just more relaxed about public affection / showing excitement in public. I can see how you are tempted to interpret it as her not respecting your relationship with your fiance, but maybe she's just the kind of person who runs squealing to greet all her friends.

My lover has a female friend like that. They are very physically affectionate in a platonic way; they're not involved sexually and don't want to be (although he is free to date whomever he wants). She always runs squealing to hug him when she sees him. I found witnessing that very awkward at first, since I don't express excitement or affection that way. Now I'm used to it and it's no big deal.

However, Coraline, your post reminded me of times in past relationships where I experienced feelings I dismissed as petty jealousy / my own problem to deal with. In fact, what I was feeling was a tremor of warning at a red flag. I should have been paying attention to the red flags instead of saying, "This is my pettiness to deal with."

Example: My ex and I went on a week-long trip to my childhood vacation home in the mountains, which I had put a lot of effort into planning. Neither of us had ever spent a whole week with any romantic partner before. I had never before brought a boyfriend to this place that was so special to me. My ex spent a lot of the time glued to his phone/device, which irritated me, but I told myself that he needed to be "plugged in" for all his business stuff and that it's so cute that he's such a techie geek that we're surrounded by beautiful mountains but he needs to look at his email.

I should have noticed that he wasn't "present" with me or connecting to me emotionally in any way. That was one of the signs that I misread.

I'm not saying you definitely have red flags here, but it's worth considering.
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