Re-start after potential metamour talks smack...

[SkylerSquirrel]

Didn't Maca post on your blog thread once before? Would it be possible for us to hear his side again?

[LovingRadiance]

Yes Boring. I agree mote later.

I will tell Maca his two cents would be appreciated. But, I can't promise he will. He doesn't frequent the board because it doesn't interest him.

[LovingRadiance]

End of 25 year olds saga. Ateast in regards to our life.

She replied today to my message. Sent it to him to forward. It offended him beyond wanting anything to do with her.

I read the first 4 lines and was offended enough to know I better stop before I flooded emotionally. I deleted and emptied my trash folder.

The basics (that I read) was that I was defending the way I treated Maca (in the letter I sent her which is copied on a previous page) and there was no excuse for how I treated him.
Even he admitted that in all honesty, I didn't do anything to him. I reacted to his lying and boundary breaking. I admit, I did have such a severe emotional breakdown after repeated boundary breaking over a two month period, that I nearly ended up hospitalized in February. But, there's no question that I wasn't randomly freaking out. He admitted even the. That he was doing it-apologized and then it happened again-etc.

So, anyway, the options for 'recovery' with that person are out. Done deal.

Niw-to rebuilding trust.

[Glitter]

Good for you, glad to hear that particular blemish is no longer in your life. Cheers for moving forward with the ones you love!

[LovingRadiance]

Thanks Glitter. I'm still reeling over the arrogance she displayed for having only seen either of us maybe 10 times total and never for more than a cpl hours. As if she could possibly have any clue about our relationship having only talked to him.
Feeling emotionally flooded and hurt. But, relieved to be done with one mess.

[CielDuMatin]

People look at things through their own filters, and often with their own agendas. Often it has no reflection on your reality.

Hard as it may be to do - moving on is best.

[LovingRadiance]

Moving on is MUCH better for me.
Maca is struggling. His feelings are hurt, he misses her and feels like poly is a hopeless and one-sided venture (that he will 'never' find anyone else).

I don't know what to say. So I try not to. As a woman, I see his methodology for finding a woman and am turned off. But-trying to explain that just pisses him off.

[opalescent]

My ex would make 'tiny violin' sounds when I was particularly self-pitying. She would do finger violin motions too. Actually worked - ticked me off and pulled me out of my 'woe is me!' rut. Then I would start laughing. Of course, this does not work if it isn't thought to be funny by the one being mocked.

[LovingRadiance]

Opal, that made me giggle.
That's something GG and I would do to one another freely.

Maca's not really talking to me about it.
I inquired about his mood once-he answered me honestly and I let it go at that.

I am much less angry after the email he sent her and I both.* included below* Still working on rebuilding trust from the lying. But, I feel like he at least figured out what it was that royally set me off.
He's been much more forthright about his thoughts, feelings, desires etc since everything blew up. Hopefully, that will be a permanent change.
I know he has commented on the fact that he feels better this way and that he's noticed things go smoother when he's being honest and upfront.

He's even admitted that he thinks he really wants more of a casual sex situation with others-which I've known-but he's refused to admit-because he knows I don't want that.
We've agreed that when it comes time to renegotiate our boundaries we will discuss that.
In the meantime-it's not on the table until then as we agreed to limit boundary changes to specific timeframes on account of me finding it overly upsetting when he wanted to change things for a new relationship or when a new relationship ended and always to his benefit and GG and I's loss.
ANYWAY!
Her out of the picture has been a relief-not only for me, but for GG and the kids too.

I've had some time to think about WTF the issues are.

There are a lot of issues that have lead to the demise of our relationship. For starters, I should have never spoken badly about my wife, not to you or to anyone else. We all have our issues and I KNOW that she has spent YEARS dealing with mine. I had no right to say the things that I said to you and frankly its not something that you should do to someone that you love and is such an important part of your life.
I should have put my foot down the very first time that you spoke badly of her. I shouldn't have let you believe that it was ok for you or anyone else to talk shit about her to me or to anyone else. I fucked that up royally. By my actions and words I gave you a incorrect view of LR and the relationship that her and I have. That was unfair to you and it was fucked up and cruel to LR.

Reading and rereading your response to LRs email to you, I don't see any attempts to resolve the conflicts or even an interest on your part to discuss the issues. I've waited a long time for you to find the "right time to talk". But it hasn't happened and I don't think its ever going to. I told you before that I come as a "package deal". Which means that if you don't mesh with my family, all of them, especially my wife, then there is no deal. Its not like I'm saying that you two need to be best friends but there has to be respect and loyalty to my wife and the rest of my family. Any outside relationship that I have (or she has) has to promote and benefit my love for my wife and family. Just like the guy that said XXX was a asshole. You can not continue with a relationship with someone that speaks that way about your loves. And honestly, even if it was true, he had no right to say that to you or anyone that's in your social group. Opinions are fine but talking shit isn't.

" Seems like your trying to validate the way you treat Maca,which nothing you say can do that." WTF is that? You attack her? She doesn't deserve that. And then to top it off you add "which nothing you say can do that". Its like you were telling her that there is no way that she is good enough for me. If you KNEW the years of history and crap that we have been through, then you would KNOW that its ME that doesn't deserve HER. You said " I know how things are and I am always aware that their are two sides to a story. Not to mention I really haven't known your husband that long so I was in no position to make any judgments ". But you did make a judgment. And you did not try to get her side of the story. Even after I told you that we needed to all 3 sit down and talk, and that LR had agreed to a sit down talk, you didn't want to deal with her. That's not acceptable, not if you want to be a part of our lives.

I know that you wanted to be a great friend to me, I know that you wanted to be helpful, I know that you had reservations about wives of a potential lover. I know that I mislead you and filled your head with all the one sided "bad things" that are happening to me. I don't know how to reverse time, if I did, I would have done it already. I would have changed a lot of things.

We BOTH owe LR an apology. Me, for talking trash about her, for disrespecting her role in my life, for allowing you to do the same thing, for not standing up for her, for getting caught up in NRE and distancing myself AND for not promoting a relationship between you two, for lying to her and for making excuses for why it wasn't a "good time" to get this shit dealt with.

If you can not see that my words in this email are true, and if you still feel the way that you did in your response to her email,and if you don't see where you owe her an apology as well, then I can not continue any type of a relationship with you. I will not continue this way. I really don't know how else to put it. One of my "issues" is trying to sugar coat everything. I told you that we would always be friends. I didn't want to "HURT" you, after you had told me that you were having the worst two months of your life and that you were losing friends and relationships. But the fact of it is, I can't have a friendship with someone that only sees the bad in my wife and isn't willing to say "you know what? There has to be something I'm missing" and then puts in a effort to find out what it is that they are missing.

I apologize to you and your family for the way everything happened.
I apologize to LR for the way everything happened.

Maca

[Dirtclustit]

I can completely relate to your story, as it *almost* sounds like the other end of what happened to me