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  #61  
Old 07-06-2012, 05:49 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Experiments continued

I also went to a private swing party for the first time recently. Whip and I went. He's very into public play, including sex, and it was something I was curious about if I would like it as well. I'm glad he went because otherwise I doubt f I would have gone on my own.

It was not a successful experiment in that I want to do it again. I learned a lot about myself. I mentioned in another thread that I'm not a voyeur or an exhibitionist. This is where I learned that for sure. Watching others have sex that I am not involved in is pretty dull. Maybe if I cared more for the people participating? (The other people at the swing party were acquaintances or I didn't know them at all.) Possibly but even then I think if I wasn't involved, it would not be so interesting.

And having others watch me is something I don't mind, particularly if I don't notice others watching as I'm absorbed in what's going on. But it doesn't do anything for me either. I just don't get off on watching or being watched. Without those kinks, well, sex parties turn out to be rather boring.

I also reinforced for myself that sex without some connection is not very interesting either. I need to have either instant chemistry with someone - which is very rare for me - or develop that chemistry a bit over time. I need at least some interaction beyond just meeting; this doesn't have to be much but I do need it I discovered. This was something I wondered about.

So lots learned. Much of which I already intuited but wasn't certain about.
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  #62  
Old 08-14-2012, 02:39 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I've been getting into tarot lately. I did a relationship spread for myself and Beaker. There is a card that represents what the two people have in common. The card I got for that spread was one of mourning. I decided that meant we were both mourning the death of our marriage. I know I still am although it's a quieter, less intense pain.

I knew when we broke up in September that this was it. There would be no getting back together. And that has just been reinforced for me lately. We are both getting on with our lives. She's finally trying online dating. I want her to find someone that meets her needs and thinks she's as awesome as I think she is. Of course, I anticipate when she actually does find that someone, I'm gonna have a freakout. And that's ok.
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  #63  
Old 08-14-2012, 02:53 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I may start another blog with a different name. This one was mostly to deal with the end of my marriage. While I'm not done dealing with that by any means, there are other things going on that don't really feel like a postmortem kind of thing. Not sure what to call it yet.
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  #64  
Old 08-30-2012, 01:58 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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My libido is driving me nuts. So active! Better than the alternative and I've been there. But sheesh!!
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  #65  
Old 09-24-2012, 09:22 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Lovely weekend

I had a great weekend. And something happened that made me wonder.

I went with a couple with whom I've become very good friends over the past few years to a bookstore where we hung out and then met a few of their friends for dinner. Good times.

They drove me home and came in and chatted for a while. Nothing heavy, just this or that and lots of laughter. More good times.

The wife goes and curls up behind her husband who was sitting next to me. Then he invites me to curl up with them.

And I did.

I curl up next to him, laying my head on his arm while he leans back against her - I am also laying partly against her. He strokes my arm, as we all relax and continue talking.

I've posted here and in other threads how I don't get non-sexual cuddling. Cuddling usually feels sexual to me and it's something I do with lovers. And I still don't get it mostly. But maybe I am closer. God, it was just, lovely.

I also got a glimmer of why all these people want to be in triads. I've never really understood that. I just wanted to turn to both of them and pull them in to me. I didn't but really wanted to. And it was not solely because of sexual attraction although that is certainly there for me. I adore these people. They've been very good to me and they certainly did not have to. I think the world of them as individuals and as a couple.

So, I wonder...
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  #66  
Old 09-25-2012, 03:51 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I have a hard time doing non-sexual cuddling with my husband, but have no problem with people I'm not in a sexual relationship with. With husband, at some point one of us will end up turning the cuddling sexual, so when I don't want to go there, any cuddling will make me anxious and I can't let myself enjoy it. With non-sexual friends, I already know, as do they, that it has nothing to do with sex and I relax enough to just enjoy the closeness of a friend.
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  #67  
Old 10-31-2012, 10:58 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Pasted from another thread.

'I am kinda at the other end of this than you. I am a single woman who is developing a FWB type relationship with someone who is married. All above board, everybody knows, blah blah.

But I have been feeling very uncomfortable and weird about seeing him, about being touchy with him, even though that is totally fine with both of them. She seems to think I'm a decent person. We're not interested in each other sexually but I like her and enjoy her company. He and I are going slowly, talking a lot and so on. They are not the issue.

I realized that I feel guilty. I have never been involved in any way with someone in a couple. And it feels so strange to me to touch someone else's husband, especially when she is around and might see! And I still feel weird when she isn't around - just not as much. Clearly some monogamy programming to deal with. So I've decided to talk to her more directly. We've talked but not explicitly about the developing FWB with her husband. I think that will help with the guilt. And I continue to feel it, acknowledge the weird, and try to move on.'
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  #68  
Old 12-15-2012, 07:21 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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From Sparklepop in another thread. It has much wisdom for me and so i wanted to make sure i saved a copy.

"From your BF's perspective, it sounds like understandable fear to me. He found himself in love with a polyamorous person - not just any polyamorous person, but the wife of his best friend.

When fear kicks in, what do we, as humans, do? Often, we seek a safe place. Fear is so often seen as a negative thing - but I think it is actually a developmental, human, red flag - survival instinct. What stops us from running out blindly across the road to go and get food from our favourite restaurant when we are starving? Fear of being hit by an oncoming car. So we stop, look both ways, consider our options, and cross when it's safe.

Emotions work in the same way - yet, often, we do not realise it. (Anecdote): throughout her young adult life, my girlfriend turned to copious male attention when she is feeling a personal void. It became her crutch; something that she learned to do, subconsciously. Recently, I went home to the UK after a three-month stay with her. She felt a void. What was the first thing she did, literally within hours of me getting on the plane? Go online and talk to a guy. The rest of the week? Filled her time talking to various guys. Her safe place. What is the first thing someone who has always believed in and followed a monogamous path will do when they fall in love with a person who cannot meet this future goal? They will feel fear. Fear will cause upset. Upset leads to reverting back to our crutches - reverting back to what we know, to find comfort. For him, this is monogamy.

Seeing that and understanding that might help to soften your (understandable) feelings of frustration, confusion, hurt, anger and resentment. It is much more difficult to feel angry towards a person when you pick apart their motivations and see their fear. Seeing it helps you to feel compassion.

Now, he has come back to you. That means something. Yes, it could mean that he's been playing the field and you are the next best option, or something to fill the gap whilst he searches for monogamy. More likely, he is genuinely in love with you and whilst his head and his crutches are telling him to run, his heart keeps pulling him back.

There is an idea in poly that 'love is just love'. It works in whatever way it works. But... that only works... WHEN it works! (does that make sense?!) Yes, the two of you feel love. Yes, you could have a long-term relationship, with those feelings of love, where both of you are happy. But if you want one thing and he wants another... it's a love that is just love... not a love that works. To me, love that works (practical love) is the kind of love to pursue in life.

So, let's say he is monoamorous by nature. Let's say he is incapable of loving more than one person; or simply prefers to love only one. He is not strictly monogamous by nature, since he is happy to date you whilst you are married and also seeing other people.

The next step is to ask - "what do you want?" There may be a middle ground that he would be happy with. There might not be. If, in the long term, he wants marriage, children, one home, one love, then... unfortunately... as GG said... you are shopping in the wrong store.

(Anecdote #2!) A few years ago, I would never have thought I'd be happy in a relationship with someone who was married. I never entertained the idea - it just wasn't a thought. I was vehemently against cheating and thought monogamy was the only option available. Yet, I met a woman who was married and poly, fell in love, entered a V relationship... and can honestly say... yes, I'd be very happy in this relationship for the rest of my life, even though I previously only thought I'd be monogamous. I actually also sometimes consider myself monoamorous - I have felt different levels of love for more than one person at a time; but I am very happy with the thought of just loving one person and sometimes prefer it, regardless of my girlfriend's activities with others. So, I can relate to your boyfriend's feelings on that one.

So... have you asked him about that? What if he would actually be happy with some sort of V between himself, yourself and your husband? What if he would love that, but doesn't see it happening because you also have other relationships?

And what about you? What do you want? Do you want to be open poly, closed poly? Would you like him to be a serious boyfriend, even if that meant cutting out your other relationships?

If your relationship has been called FWB... he is surely only going to act in a way that fits that label - regardless of what he says about his emotions. I see it so often that 'we don't need to use labels' etc etc... but I don't see the problem with it. I think it actually helps to define appropriate behaviour and get needs met.

I don't think you should let your feelings lie - I think you should talk to him and see what he has to say."
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  #69  
Old 01-24-2013, 03:17 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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So new development. I have a boyfriend! Whee! It feels so silly to say that. I haven't had a boyfriend since high school. Life is funny.

Whip and I have decided to recognize that yes, we were actually in a relationship. I didn't expect this to happen and neither did he.

We had talked about it some before and he mentioned the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I was hesitant to use those terms as they imply in my mind committment and a more long term relationship. We talked again recently and made sure we were on the same page. So we are non-committed boyfriend and girlfriend. I've never tried something like this before. All of my relationships have always had at least the possiblity of long term. But he has to look for work all over the country - which I understand - and I think I am not quite ready for something serious and committed just yet. I was pleased we wanted the same thing - expectations that don't line up can be very hurtful.

So I'm a bit giddy. :-)
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  #70  
Old 01-24-2013, 06:15 PM
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Yay! Happy for you =)

I recently had a similar experience as i was growing closer and closer with someone ... all the while adamently avoiding the bf/gf terminology. When we paused to say, - well - we -are- in a sort of relationship even if we choose not to call it that; and both of us are very happy with this and want it to continue w/o labeling (as similar to you mostly I was hesistant as i was not ready to commit further) it was good that way.

.... except then a few weeks later he asked me to be his gf anyway and i said yes
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