Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #401  
Old 10-26-2012, 12:25 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,057
Default

OMG!

What an ordeal for your friend! Hopefully the autopsy will give news...

Galagirl
Reply With Quote
  #402  
Old 10-26-2012, 01:19 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,286
Default

Yes-emotional ordeal.
Thankfully-he's not bottling it. He's reaching out and that's not his norm. So I am happy about that.

He's a good guy. I can't imagine.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #403  
Old 10-26-2012, 01:59 AM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 76
Default

Quote:
It is easy for me to look at someone who is hot as hell and not go there-because unless they are making themselves vulnerable to me, showing me their insides, showing me their weaknesses (which so few people really do) my sex drive doesn't even get triggered.
^I am the exact same way.
__________________
Independent polyperson seeking friendships, in which physical intimacy may or may not develop.

I do not wish to attach to any particular person. My love knows no limits.
Reply With Quote
  #404  
Old 10-29-2012, 07:37 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,286
Default

Friday was a friend's b-day party. We went as a family. Maca was "off" the whole time we were there. I could tell something was wrong-but he kept saying he was fine. FINALLY after we were home in bed he played a song that was CLEARLY regarding the 25 year old. I asked what that was about and he said it was from her. I asked if that is what his issue was all evening and he admitted he'd been paranoid she would show up because the restaurant we were at is one she frequents. SIGH.

The next morning we had a coffee date planned. So we got up and headed out. At the corner I asked where he wnated to go (I don't drink coffee). He didn't care. So I drove to my favorite spot. On the way he asked where I was going (totally out of the way) and I told him that I was going to the place I like-because I like it and she doesn't frequent it (like the one he usually goes to) and I wanted to enjoy our date, not worry about her showing up. He agreed that was a good idea.
I told him, calmly, quietly that it hurt my feelings he would lie to me AGAIN at dinner. He said he didn't want to bring her up during the bday party and get me "riled up" emotionally.
I pointed out that by telling me he was fine-when he CLEARLY was not-I was riled up with worry for him anyway and wondering if I did something to upset him.
That I NEED his honesty and while I know that means sometimes hearing what I don't want to hear- honesty is more important to me than hearing good things only.

He shared that he'd been having this paranoia since early Thursday about running into her and that he played the song because he knew I would ask what it was about and he didn't know how to bring it up.
SIGH SIGH SIGH.

I don't know how to make it ANY MORE CLEAR that I just want straight forward, honest communication without the games.
We had a nice coffee-then browsed a local gift shop, went to Lowe's got materials for the bathroom and returned home. He worked on the bathroom while GG and I went to the college to volunteer for the Haunted Halloween.

Last night I had screwed up (not completely unrealistic) dreams about Maca lying to me, the 25 year old fucking with me etc.
They were just dreams.
I woke moody, feeling insecure and on edge.

He invited me to go to coffee. That was nice. We made love and then I got up to take a shower. He said he would wait for me "I prefer to just get up and go get my coffee". (this is generally true).
So, I got in the shower and the dreams meshed with the moment and emotions went into overdrive.
I got defensively frustrated-because it's also true that when he was meeting her for coffee, he did get up, take a shower and make sure he was sexified.
Competition-no good.
I re-centered my mind on other topics.
We had breakfast instead-it was nice. Then went to Home Depot and got materials to work on the bathroom (remodel).
Came home. I took a break in bed after giving GG an attitude (no reason). Got a handle on myself.
The cycle repeated all day. Fighting the devil of thoughts going round in my head. Very frustrating.
Now-I'm up when I should be asleep because I can't fall asleep. Midterms in the morning.

So-this evening I read Galagirls blog and clicked through links and read those, shared some of it on my personal blog and am still here..... in thought.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #405  
Old 10-29-2012, 04:06 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,573
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I told him, calmly, quietly that it hurt my feelings he would lie to me AGAIN at dinner. He said he didn't want to bring her up during the bday party and get me "riled up" emotionally.
I pointed out that by telling me he was fine-when he CLEARLY was not-I was riled up with worry for him anyway and wondering if I did something to upset him.
I don't get it either. I'm constantly struggling with this type of thing and it drives me ape-shit. Hell, even a simple "I'm feeling off, can we talk about it later?" is WAY better than "fine" when their not. My husband is convinced that his body language, attitude, etc should be ignored once he says there is nothing wrong . Why can't they get it, when they say one thing, but act contrary, it sets all the alarms and insecurities off. They need better acting coaches .
Reply With Quote
  #406  
Old 10-30-2012, 11:23 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,286
Default Communicate directly with me damn it

ARGH!

We have a SMALL poly-group in our area. There is a meet-up that I RSVP'd to about a month ago.
Anyway, last night, the 25 yo texts Maca to tell him she's planning to go to it-and saw i had RSVP'd already, implied that I should cancel. Didn't specifically request-just implied.

I am SO ANNOYED.

First-she saw I RSVP'd-so if she has concerns-FUCKING MESSAGE ME on MEET UP!
Not text Maca (who isn't on Meet up and didn't RSVP etc).

She knows damn good and well we are poly AND that I have another FULL TIME LOVER-so it isn't rocket science that I may have RSVP'd for he and I.
OR
I may have RSPV'd for MYSELF (which I did) with the potential intent of meeting others.

Furthermore-she claims to be poly and if she has some concern regarding ME she needs to bring it to ME.

We're married-but he's not my damn answering machine.

Fucking CHILDISH BULLSHIT.

So-in large part-I don't want to go. Because it's a small group-under 20 people, probably closer to 10. And I'm SO FUCKING ANNOYED with her behavior.
On the other hand-if I just cancel, I'm allowing her communication through him to work and I'm also allowing her to isolate me from the community....

SIGH.

Thoughts are welcomed.
You can feel free to tell me to just move to Seattle or better yet Victoria where I could socialize in larger groups of poly-peeps.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #407  
Old 10-30-2012, 11:46 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Why don't you just go anyway? Fuck HER.
Reply With Quote
  #408  
Old 10-30-2012, 11:48 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,057
Default

Go to your meetup as planned.

If she's doing silly childish -- let her. It is not your prob until it is your prob -- ie: she comes to you direct.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-31-2012 at 12:57 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #409  
Old 10-31-2012, 12:22 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,286
Default

Nod.
I asked my sister to join me. Maca is staying home.
Thanks guys.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #410  
Old 10-31-2012, 09:09 AM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
Posts: 483
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
On the other hand-if I just cancel, I'm allowing her communication through him to work and I'm also allowing her to isolate me from the community....
You've already solved this one, but for the future always remember this:
There are certain people / groups [police, judges...] who have certain power over us whatever we do. But even with them - and ESPECIALLY with others [who DON'T have this legally-constituted right to interfere] the DEGREE to which they have power over us depends largely on how much power we ALLOW them to have over us.

If she's implied that you should back out because she wants to be there, and you walk in and socialise, show that you're having a great time, and act like you don't give a FUCK whether she's there or not... then YOU've won, Lady!

[Anarchism has a very bad rep over there in the USA (worse than Communism). But the bottom line of Anarchism is basically this: "I will not allow anybody to walk all over me... and I refuse to walk all over anybody else". It's not about guys in black capes hiding bombs: it's the most respectful policital ideal of all. (Of course, there are some louts who CALL themselves anarchists who haven't got a clue what it's really about and give the rest of us a bad name. For the record, anybody who calls themself anarchist and is down on polyamory has got their head up their arse.)]

Have a great time! () and let her .
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson

Last edited by MrFarFromRight; 10-31-2012 at 09:15 AM. Reason: underlined "her"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
commitment, family oriented, love, lovingradiance, progress, v formation, vee dynamics

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:24 AM.