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Old 10-28-2012, 06:14 AM
purelyparadox23 purelyparadox23 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 10
Default How do you pursue someone you're interested in when you're in an open relationship?

My boyfriend and I recently decided to try an open relationship. I'm in my last year of college and I told him that sometimes I feel like I missed out on the whole "college experimentation" phase that most of my friends have gone through, and now he is encouraging me to give it a try.We love each other very much and are very happy together, but he is the only person I've ever kissed/dated/had sex with and and I'm the only person he's ever dated/had sex with, so sometimes we feel curious about other people.

There is a guy in one of my classes who I am very sexually attracted to and I would like to try experimenting with him (by experimenting I mean mostly physical stuff, but I would also like to be friends if he wanted to). He is rumored to be a bit of a lady's man and I think he might at least be attracted to me, but so far he has not really made any moves, probably because we're facebook friends so he knows I have a boyfriend.

My question is, how actively would you pursue someone new when you're in this kind of relationship? Should I leave it to fate, like if he makes a move I go with it but if not i forget about him? Or is it OK for me to initiate things with him and actively pursue him? Would it be more appropriate to get to know him/ invite him out for coffee, or to be upfront and tell him exactly what my situation is and put the offer on the table? I'm just looking for a bit of advice since I'm new to this stuff
Old 10-28-2012, 02:56 PM
Stevenjaguar Stevenjaguar is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In a flat place in the middle of the US.
Posts: 95

In this case just as you would with anyone else. I had a woman introduce herself to me and I asked her out. In the course of the evening she told me that she had a boyfriend who decided he was going to start seeing someone else in addition to her so she though she would give it a try. It did work out, with no awkwardness. We had sex a few times and I still like her and talk to her once in a while.

So just be up front when it comes time to get in bed with him and tell him what the situation is. If he has a problem with that it's his decision and isn't your fault. BTW, this happens a lot more than you would think.

Since your boyfriend is supportive go forth with joy and adventure. Remember there is and infinite variety of people in the world. You may find some you like and some you don't.

Last edited by Stevenjaguar; 10-28-2012 at 03:02 PM.
Old 10-28-2012, 03:09 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,977

It probably depends a lot on your personal style.

If it were me I'd probably go the route of pursuing a friendship first - while making it completely obvious that I have a boyfriend and this friendship is not a secret - then flirting like mad. I wouldn't necessarily get into a deep discussion about relationships unless the conversation turned that way and wouldn't use the word polyamory at all unless until it was obvious that things were headed in the "relationship" direction (I'd use "non-exclusive" if I had to put it to words).

I hung out with lots of guys in college when I had a boyfriend (I generally find it easier to make friends with men) although I wasn't having sex with other guys at that point. Generally, I'd ask them if they wanted to join me for lunch or coffee or whatever, then I'd make a quick call to MrS and say "Hey, I won't be coming home until later, I'm having coffee with MrInteresting from English class that I was telling you about" - MrS would say "Cool, we all are going to be hanging out at the pool hall until 6 or so if you guys want to stop by." This let the guys know that there was a boyfriend in the picture and that it wasn't an issue without saying it in so many words.


PS. My reply post got a bit long and off-topic so I posted the rest of it in my "Notebook Blog" here.
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-28-2012 at 03:12 PM.
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attraction, crush, dating, open relationship

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