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  #1  
Old 10-25-2012, 11:44 PM
lolita lolita is offline
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Default How can I be a good mono wife to my Poly husband?

Hi everyone,

I have spent some time reading through some post's.I am trying to get a better understanding of the road I am heading down.

Okay so I am Mono and my husband is Poly...
We have had threesomes in the past, which was fine but I don't want to go there for myself anymore.
He had an emotional affair (I say affair because it was without my knowledge) We were at a different place in our marriage then. It took time but with a lot of communication,tears and time I got over it.
There is now a new girl in the picture, it has been building between them for a few months now.I have seen it and he has told me about their discussions and flirting, she is our mutual hairstylist. So tonight he is going for a haircut and their 1st date.

Am I allowed to ask questions?
Details?
Why do I feel so insecure?
Because she is 10 yrs younger?
Because she excites him?
Will she take over from me?
How do I be a good mono wife to my Poly husband?
I'm mad a t myself for feeling insecure and jealous...
What do you do with yourself when they are out together???

Any and all feedback appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 10-26-2012, 12:13 AM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is online now
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You are always allowed to ask questions. Your husband should be able to communicate to you what he is comfortable sharing and what he isn't, and hopefully the two of you can agree on a reasonable level of information sharing.

Same for details. If it makes you feel better to know, then make him aware of that. Sometimes people think their partner is more comfortable not knowing, and thus will keep the details to a minimum. Make sure to let your husband know what you need/want/expect from him at this level.

Insecurity is built into our monogamous culture and our fear of loss. Only you will be able to figure out what all your individual insecurities are and find ways to combat them. On some levels, you may have to do self-work (like catching yourself in negative thought patterns and replacing them with more positive ones) and on some levels you can ask your husband for support (you two have a dedicated date night a week no matter what, or he always calls to wish you a good night no matter where he is, or whatever reasonable expectation you can get from him for reassurance).

This can be difficult for many people. Ten years older doesn't have to mean you are less attractive as an overall package though. A younger person may be more immature and not have the same kind of life experience you do. Your husband is with you for a reason. He loves you and he is attracted to you.

New relationships are exciting. New relationship energy (NRE) can be very overwhelming and scary for people. It was scary for me when I experienced it with my boyfriend and it was scary for my fiance as well. We didn't know exactly how to handle it or what it meant, but we kept communicating with each other and made sure needs were being met and that my fiance and I made time for each other no matter how excited I was to see and spend time with my boyfriend. It is intense, but it can never last longer than about a year or two, so it is good not to make the mistake of thinking it is a better or more passionate love that is budding just based on the intensity of NRE.

If your husband identifies as poly, this should not happen. If the two of you are to drift, it shouldn't be because something better came along like he is trading you in for a different model. If you two drift due to other reasons (fundamental incompatibilities, one of you completely loses interest in the other) it doesn't necessarily mean it was because of the new person.

Communicate to him and make sure you are being honest with him and yourself about your needs, wants and limits. Don't hold things in and wait for him to read your mind. Make sure to set boundaries that the two of you can agree to and that you can be comfortable with. Be willing to do some of your own self work AND call him into account if you think he is not being ethical or fair.

Don't be mad at yourself. These are natural human emotions and it isn't your fault you are experiencing them. The important part is how you act on them and the behaviors you choose to partake in.

As far as what to do with yourself, you can take some time for something you enjoy on your own (reading, watching a TV show, etc.) or pick up a new social hobby that you have been wanting to try (dancing, horseback riding, pottery). Take some time to reconnect with friends you haven't seen in a while. The possibilities are endless. Right now it is rough because you probably have some anxiety surrounding it, but if you find something that can be fun and relaxing for you, then you might be surprised at how little you worry about it over time and come to enjoy the time you have for you.

:-)
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  #3  
Old 10-26-2012, 12:23 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Am I allowed to ask questions?

Of course. Why not?

But it doesn't mean he's free to give you detailed answers -- she's a person with her own wants, needs, and limits and their personal life as a couple is their own. Where the "TMI Wall" is at will vary -- but you can talk about where that line will be. Perhaps over time it even changes.

Why do I feel so insecure? Because she is 10 yrs younger? Because she excites him?

It's normal to feel anxiety and weird -- change is change. Until it becomes the "new normal" it will feel different because it IS. It is not the "old normal."

Will she take over from me?

Take over what? What do you fear you will lose?

How do I be a good mono wife to my Poly husband?


Be you the same as always? Ask him what his wants, needs, limits are that you can reasonable meet and meet them. Tell him your reasonable wants, needs, and limits and ask him to meet those.

I'm mad a t myself for feeling insecure and jealous...

Why? Feelings are just feelings that bubble up. They are not logical. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. It is internal weather that will blow on through. You are human. It is ok.

What do you do with yourself when they are out together?

Whatever I normally do? Be with friends. Go out myself. Be home alone with my hobbies.

GG
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  #4  
Old 10-26-2012, 10:59 PM
alina alina is offline
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I have the same situation with my boyfriend, he's a poly i'm a mono. We have an amazing relationship and he says he wants to marry me and sees us together for the rest of our lives. I have been very insecure and jealous lately because he moved to a different state for work reasons and we have to be apart for a while. We are trying to see each other every month and so far it has happened, but he has already had 2 relationships. This is the first time since we started exclusively (10 months) that he has been with anyone else. This is all very new for me and I love him so much I don't want to loose him but sometimes I wonder.

I thank everyone in this thread because you have been very helpful. All the comments and advice I can get are really appreciated
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  #5  
Old 10-27-2012, 08:12 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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I'm going to preface this with my standard boilerplate: I'm going to be very direct with my responses. Please dont mistake my lack of patience for hand-holding with contempt or irritation. I wish you the happiest outcome possible, I just believe in being very direct with people and not beating around the bush.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lolita View Post
Hi everyone,

I have spent some time reading through some post's.I am trying to get a better understanding of the road I am heading down.

Okay so I am Mono and my husband is Poly...
Red flag number one. Mono and poly does not mix. That's one of the first things I learned (both imparted to me by others and from firsthand experience). When it comes to relationships, you can really only have a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship. If your ideal is a monogamous relationship and his is non-monogamous, eventually one of you will be unhappy with the relationship because it will be something you're not comfortable in.

Quote:
We have had threesomes in the past, which was fine but I don't want to go there for myself anymore.
He had an emotional affair (I say affair because it was without my knowledge) We were at a different place in our marriage then. It took time but with a lot of communication,tears and time I got over it.
Not quite a red flag, pink maybe. Polyamory is built on openness and trust. I dont know him or you well enough to comment on that part very deeply as it may have been an honest mistake on his part or deliberate deception.

Quote:
There is now a new girl in the picture, it has been building between them for a few months now.I have seen it and he has told me about their discussions and flirting, she is our mutual hairstylist. So tonight he is going for a haircut and their 1st date.
Its a good indication that he's been upfront about her with you.

Quote:
Am I allowed to ask questions?
You'd better be. Unless you're looking for the new lady's blood type and any possibly lethal food allergies, you have a right to ask questions about this new person in your life.

Quote:
Details?
That's a bit sketchier. Some people have a "DADT" (Dont Ask, Dont Tell) policy with this sort of thing which, from what I've seen (which is admittedly limited), that works out in the long-term about as well as a screen door on a submarine. Realistically you have to just sit down with your husband and work that out for yourselves.

Quote:
Why do I feel so insecure?
Because she is 10 yrs younger?
Because she excites him?
Because you're monogamous and you're unable to separate yourself from the "Why am I not enough?" question.

As to the others, very possibly. Those are questions you have to ask yourself.

On a purely personal note, younger doesn't necessarily mean more attractive. If I see a message on OKC from someone who is 18-19 I automatically click to "Ahhh crap" because I remember how stupid I was at 18-19 and I want to tell them to come back when they're 22 and know everything XD. I've also found myself developing a bit of a crush on a (monogamous ) co-worker who is twice my age and she is quite lovely.

Quote:
Will she take over from me?
I dont think anyone here knows the answer to that beyond speculation.

Quote:
How do I be a good mono wife to my Poly husband?
My advice, frankly, is to not be. Like I said, your relationship is either monogamous or it isn't and whichever path you choose, one of you will be unhappy sooner or later because you're a fish swimming in the wrong kind of water.

Quote:
I'm mad a t myself for feeling insecure and jealous...
Its natural, nothing to beat yourself up over. Best thing to do is ask yourself WHY you feel that way.

Quote:
What do you do with yourself when they are out together???
Cant really answer this as my lady friend has expressed no interest in other partners while she's still in school, but I do get kind of a giggly feeling when she talks about a guy in one of her ECE classes she's been crushing on lately.

Last edited by Helo; 10-27-2012 at 08:17 AM.
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  #6  
Old 10-27-2012, 02:50 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is online now
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There are some mono/poly combinations that work.

The key is that sometimes a person can be monogamous and not necessarily need their partner to be. They may be open to their partner being polyamorous/polysexual, but just aren't particularly interested in finding others themselves.

It is definitely important to figure out which of those you are.
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  #7  
Old 10-27-2012, 06:21 PM
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kboz2112 kboz2112 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Helo View Post
Because you're monogamous and you're unable to separate yourself from the "Why am I not enough?" question.
Hi. Sorry to jump in on this thread, but I am going through the same thing with my wife. She wants to open our marriage, and I am really struggling with the idea. What Helo said really struck a chord within me. I have basically been beating myself up with this very question. Am I not good enough sexually? Is she bored with me but doesn't want to hurt our children by leaving? Are my idiosyncrasies too much? What did I do? Or conversely, what didn't I do?

So I am very interested in what you're getting at here. How does one get over this feeling that "I am just not good enough?"
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  #8  
Old 10-27-2012, 06:49 PM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicalRose
There are some mono/poly combinations that work.

The key is that sometimes a person can be monogamous and not necessarily need their partner to be. They may be open to their partner being polyamorous/polysexual, but just aren't particularly interested in finding others themselves.

It is definitely important to figure out which of those you are.
I'd still classify that as a non-monogamous relationship; you're either allowing extraneous partners or your not. I agree that it CAN work, but by and large its somewhat like drunken lawn darts; it sounds feasible but rarely works out in a positive way. Usually because one person gets upset because they're in a relationship format that they are unhappy with and they may be able to endure like that for a while, years even, but eventually they'll get to a point where they cant stand it anymore and things tend to come crashing down.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kboz2112 View Post
Hi. Sorry to jump in on this thread, but I am going through the same thing with my wife. She wants to open our marriage, and I am really struggling with the idea. What Helo said really struck a chord within me. I have basically been beating myself up with this very question. Am I not good enough sexually? Is she bored with me but doesn't want to hurt our children by leaving? Are my idiosyncrasies too much? What did I do? Or conversely, what didn't I do?

So I am very interested in what you're getting at here. How does one get over this feeling that "I am just not good enough?"
I really wish I had an answer that made any sense.

For me personally, it was sort of an epiphany that happened and it clicked that someone I loved loving someone else did not mean they were unhappy with me. It also helps greatly that I personally am poly so the concept of loving multiple people without finding one of them lacking isnt very strange.

What also helped was my feeling that monogamy is very possessive; your partner's love is YOURS and he/she is only allowed to give it to you without betraying you. YOU are the only one allowed to make your partner happy and if you dont fulfill their every need and want, too bad for them.

There was also the concept of taking happiness from their happiness; if I have a partner that is happy, that's a good thing. If being with someone else in addition to me makes them happy, why be upset about that? My seeing them be happy makes me happy as well because I love them and I want to see them happy.

Additionally, if you truly are just not necessary anymore and your partner feels that you aren't giving him/her what they need, they'd likely just dump you or start cheating on you if they didn't just freeze you out romantically. If someone is still romantically engaged with you and honest about their desires with other people, that's not a bad sign for you at all.
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  #9  
Old 10-27-2012, 08:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Helo View Post
I really wish I had an answer that made any sense.

For me personally, it was sort of an epiphany that happened and it clicked that someone I loved loving someone else did not mean they were unhappy with me. It also helps greatly that I personally am poly so the concept of loving multiple people without finding one of them lacking isnt very strange.

What also helped was my feeling that monogamy is very possessive; your partner's love is YOURS and he/she is only allowed to give it to you without betraying you. YOU are the only one allowed to make your partner happy and if you dont fulfill their every need and want, too bad for them.

There was also the concept of taking happiness from their happiness; if I have a partner that is happy, that's a good thing. If being with someone else in addition to me makes them happy, why be upset about that? My seeing them be happy makes me happy as well because I love them and I want to see them happy.

Additionally, if you truly are just not necessary anymore and your partner feels that you aren't giving him/her what they need, they'd likely just dump you or start cheating on you if they didn't just freeze you out romantically. If someone is still romantically engaged with you and honest about their desires with other people, that's not a bad sign for you at all.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Logically, everything you say makes sense. But on an emotional level, it is going to be a huge change in thinking for me. I hope I am up to the challenge of changing my feelings about this.

And to be honest, the thought of exploring sexually is intriguing to me. Maybe I will get to a place where I can expand my boundaries in the future. But I've got to get comfortable with the whole concept first, and I think I also need to learn to be more secure with myself and within our marriage before any of that is remotely possible.
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  #10  
Old 10-27-2012, 10:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kboz2112 View Post
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Logically, everything you say makes sense. But on an emotional level, it is going to be a huge change in thinking for me. I hope I am up to the challenge of changing my feelings about this.
Virtually nothing I say will make sense. Our mindsets are fundamentally different and generally speaking incompatible.

Quote:
And to be honest, the thought of exploring sexually is intriguing to me. Maybe I will get to a place where I can expand my boundaries in the future. But I've got to get comfortable with the whole concept first, and I think I also need to learn to be more secure with myself and within our marriage before any of that is remotely possible.
That insight is a good indication you're probably well equipped to take steps down the path.
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