definition of Poly?

[redpepper]

okay.... what is everyones take on the definition of poly?

I have a husband and a boyfriend that I love each in their own way. I love them very much and want to spend the rest of my life loving them... I call this my poly relationship. I tell them everything that goes on for me with other people in my life except details about sex and details about other peoples personal lives as is fit.

I have another lover who identifies as poly and he has a live in girlfriend that also has other lovers. They share nothing about each others lives and they barely know who each other sleeps with. This I don't consider poly as they don't have love attachments the way I do to their lovers. I don't have a love attachment to him other than a friend type love. I consider him a friend that I am sexual with on occasion.

I have another lover who I see also who's wife had a boyfriend and he has a friend he sleeps with regularly and me and my husband that we have threesomes with from time to time... he considers himself poly, but again, there is friendship there not love in the same way as I love my men.

Lastly I have a female lover who is also a friend that also considers herself poly.... again I see it as a friendship and not one of my poly relationships.

I almost get offended that people who are friends consider themselves in a poly relatinship with me. It almost makes my wonderful relationships with my men seem smaller and have less meaning... they are by far my loves and so different from the others. any ideas on this?

one last thing? How come when I ask someone who is poly our for coffee they think I am asking them on a date? Can I not have poly friends that I am not dating? I go out with my lovers/friends often and don't consider it a date yet they do... why is everything a date? my female poly friend thinks we are dating because we hang out too, yet I thought we were friends.... I am so confused and frustrated! what the heck?! help.....? please?

[alphafour]

This is a big load. I am sorry that you feel frustrated over what seems like words.

There seems to be a lot of definitions going around, and you have to realize that words are simply descriptions of feelings and actions. Your feelings may not fit the definition according to me, or anybody else. You define your relationships. The words don't.

[redpepper]

very true, thank you alphafour. It really doesn't matter what others are doing, just what I am and how I feel. It seems where we are there are a lot of poly people that are in a party, have fun with it, free love kind of mode.... not necessarily loving in the romantic, soulful, "this spans all time" kind of way that I am with my men. I think this is what is making me feel different.

[alphafour]

Originally Posted by redpepper

very true, thank you alphafour. It really doesn't matter what others are doing, just what I am and how I feel. It seems where we are there are a lot of poly people that are in a party, have fun with it, free love kind of mode.... not necessarily loving in the romantic, soulful, "this spans all time" kind of way that I am with my men. I think this is what is making me feel different.

It's like a lot of other things, if a lot of people get involved, if becomes a fad, and loses the original intent because of the beliefs of certain "leaders" of the movement. If the leader in your area is just a "swinger" then you local group becomes a "swinging group." I believe poly is much more than this, where a group becomes a community, and forms a sort of "tribal relationship" and they "love" each other, more like a commune where everybody works for the common good of the tribe.

In the late sixties, there were "free love" communes, and there was lots of sexual freedom and sharing of common goals within the communes. There are still some old hippies continuing to live in such communes. The fad isn't as popular, but there are those who stuck to their values and continued. I believe those are the correct models to follow.

[Mark1npt]

Redpepper, you are one busy lady! How do you possibly find all the time to do all (and everyone) that you do? I can identify with your deep poly relationship with "your men" as I have "my girls". However you seem to have varying levels of relationships going on in your life at any given time. This is bound to confuse some of your other friends and aquaintances, who seeing you being poly with "your men" naturally assume you are being poly with them or they are being poly with you since you are obviously poly.

I can see where boundaries and definitions could become blurred. Maybe the communication that needs to take place in our triads, also needs to take place amongst your casual friends too so that they are not expecting something else from you during your get togethers with them?

[Quath]

I tend to see "poly" as living a lifestyle where a person may desire loving many people with knowledge and consent of all people. So in the case where the partners do not love the people they are intimate with, I would consider them swingers. If a person is single, I consider them poly if they are willing to be involved in a poly relationship (just like someone can be a gay virgin).

Ultimately, there are two reasons for labels. One is to help identify others in a consistent manner (like for sociological research) and the others is to identify yourself as how you see yourself. So if anyone self-labels as anything, I go with that since they are trying to explain something about themselves. However, if we are talking statistics, I like a consistent label.

[alphafour]

Originally Posted by Quath

I tend to see "poly" as living a lifestyle where a person may desire loving many people with knowledge and consent of all people. So in the case where the partners do not love the people they are intimate with, I would consider them swingers. If a person is single, I consider them poly if they are willing to be involved in a poly relationship (just like someone can be a gay virgin).

Ultimately, there are two reasons for labels. One is to help identify others in a consistent manner (like for sociological research) and the others is to identify yourself as how you see yourself. So if anyone self-labels as anything, I go with that since they are trying to explain something about themselves. However, if we are talking statistics, I like a consistent label.

Thank you Quath. I am glad to see that you and I share equivalent definitions and that you were able to annuciate it so clearly.

[River]

Redpepper,

Is a lover anyone with whom any of us have a sexual relationship, or is it anyone with whom we have a loving relationship? Very vague word, that. But it needn't be, because it has the word love in it rather prominently (however you spell that, i'm too lazy at the moment to look it up). You seem to call anyone you have a sexual relationship with a "lover". But maybe you ought not to, since they are not all in your very tight-knit "circle of love", as I call anyone with whom I have a loverly relationship.

For me, generally, my "lovers" are those with whom I'm also being physically or sexually intimate. But i have room for exceptions, I suppose. I have a friend I've never met in person(!), who lives far, far away, that I love profoundly, and with whom I'm intensely intimate (on-line). He loves me, too, similarly, I think--I almost know. I have other friends not too far different in levels of intimacy and involvement in one another's lives. I'm simply not sure what a "lover" is, in a number of respects. Sex is so far from being the deciding factor. But this is all language talk. Terms mean what we mean them to mean, I suppose.

What matters is the love. Do you love your friends with whom you're also occasionally sharing a bed? If not, why are you sharing a bed? These are just questions. More words. What matters, I suppose, are the questions.

[Danny40179]

I see a couple of options here. One of which you already said and that's so long as you're comfortable with the type of relationship that you have with an individual, does it matter what they call it? Secondly, explain to your lovers exactly what you think. That your men are your men and they are friends with benefits. (or whatever other terminology you choose)

You have too many reasons to be happy, to be so stressed out.

[AutumnalTone]

Being poly involves having multiple intimate relationships. That, in no fashion, indicates that they will all have the same characteristics! Some will be closer than others and the range of emotions present in one does not indicate the same range of emotions--or intensity!--will appear in any other. To say that one or two of many are "poly" and the rest aren't is, well, absurd. You have many--which makes them all part of being poly--and some are closer and more intense than others.

I have to wonder why you would be bothered that people with whom you have some involvement would identify you as one of their poly ties. Are you simply using them for sex? They obviously include you as a loving partner of some sort, so for you to decry that while still having sex with them suggests that you are leading them on and using them for sex. That they don't share the same close ties that you have with your primary relationships is immaterial.