Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 10-25-2012, 09:37 PM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 814
Default

I would take the sign that he originally posted about you and poly in his profile to mean you are important to him. We all know how many men feel like they are a pariah to most all women if they say they are non monogamous - it doesn't sit right with me to say single either, but I can certainly understand it on an intellectual level.

Have you thought of discussing with him about if he's going to be open to introducing you to people he dates if he likes them enough to date them for a certain time? I think for me being open to that (whether or not it happens) would be enough to make me shake the feelings. Have you considered if there are any other things going on that make you wonder if he's not committed? Has he told you he is (or has he not, and so you being clear to yourself you are committed to him make you feel it might be a bit imbalanced?) Does he show you your importance in other ways like how he treats you around friends or family or are there other things he does to make you feel valued that you might be overlooking because of your feelings about the OKC profile? Don't worry, not expecting answers, just throwing out some food for thought!
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 10-26-2012, 07:52 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 411
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Does he show you your importance in other ways like how he treats you around friends or family or are there other things he does to make you feel valued that you might be overlooking because of your feelings about the OKC profile?
I do feel that he is commited to me in the present. I've met his kids, some of his friends, we have plans for the holidays, he tells me he loves me, and he gives me a lot of attention.
I guess my fear is that he will meet a woman who has issues with non-monogamy, and that he will like her so much that he'll want to be monogamous with her... but yeah, he could meet that woman anywhere, not just on OKC... and I know that there's no tellng what the future will bring.

We did have a good email conversation about it yesterday... I mentioned to him that while I understood his motives, it did upset me just a little... and that I did not say that to make him change his mind, but just to share my feelings. I feel really safe bringing things up with him. He's a great guy and I love him so much
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf


******************************

There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 10-26-2012, 11:36 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 411
Default

In other news.. I just found out one of my closest friends is having an affair I already suspected it and suspicions were confirmed. She's always been really supportive of me and I'm having a difficult time with this. She's asked me not to tell my husband (husband and I know her boyfriend well). I hate that there's something I can't tell my husband. I'm not going to because I want to respect this wish of hers.. but I think I do want to tell her that I don't want to socialize with them as a couple while this is going on.. ugh.

She always mentions how great it is what I'm doing, with the honesty and openness, but she can't do this herself.. I don't want to judge her but feel so bad for her boyfriend. Ugh, again.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf


******************************

There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 10-27-2012, 05:04 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 954
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
She's asked me not to tell my husband (husband and I know her boyfriend well). I hate that there's something I can't tell my husband. I'm not going to because I want to respect this wish of hers.. but I think I do want to tell her that I don't want to socialize with them as a couple while this is going on.. ugh.

...Ugh, again.
Ugh indeed! I am sorry your friend has put you in this position.

I have made it known to my friends that I will never allow myself to be put in this position - and if they are truly my friend then they will never ask me to.

It's not that I turn around and report to MrS everything that is told to me (quite honestly, he is just usually not that interested), but if something came up in conversation on a given topic I don't want to have to filter out "secrets" - so don't tell me if it's a "secret".

Interestingly, MrS came to the same conclusion on his own behalf (it's not as though we have a "rule" about it or anything). I tell a story in my blog here about where he was on a trip with a friend who wanted to go to a strip club but didn't want his wife to know. MrS refused to go if it was supposed to be a "secret" - he wouldn't remember to not mention it to me if it came up, he knew that I wouldn't remember to not mention it to her if it came up - better not to even bother.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 10-29-2012, 01:52 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 411
Default

After lying awake for hours one night thinking about my friend who's having the affair, I did tell my husband (without telling him who the guy is). I can't lie to him about the reason I'm up half the night!

I texted her to let her know we need to talk, without going into specifics. I need to tell her I told my husband. I also need to tell her a mutual friend is suspicious and sort of ' guessed' what's going on. It's been 3 days since I texted her and she hasn't replied.

Lies. I hate them. I've been thinking about it for days. Lies are really, really poisonous, it's like they touch everything and just turn all human relationships into slimy rotten stinky messes.
Ok, one more ugh! and now I'm done.

**************

Am going to see C again tomorrow. I had a little break down this weekend when he went on an OKC date. We need to talk about rules and boundaries for our relationship - we've never really done that, and after 10 months, it's time.

I'm going to ask him not tell me before hand when he's going on a first date. Just fantasizing about it makes me so terribly anxious.
I want us both to be free yet committed to each other. Still thinking about what the rules and agreements should be about this. I go on dates sometimes, that never go beyond a bit of flirting and sometimes kissing. He's asked me not to talk about every single date, but to tell me when I feel something happens that would change things between me and him. But how am I to decide?

We seem to be in a kind of odd space where on the one hand things are developing towards a more serious and committed relationship (he's coming to stay the night in a couple of weeks, when my husband will also be home, he's giving me his key, etc) while on the other hand we are still very autonomous.
We email and text daily but lots of days we don't know what the other person is doing or who they're with. (The texts can be just to wish each other a nice day, say goodnight etc). So there's this constant back and forth between connection and freedom. I find it confusing, hopefully the talk tomorrow will help.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf


******************************

There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 11-05-2012, 10:38 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 411
Default

I've asked Curlz to not tell me beforehand when he goes on a date. Other than that, we did not really negotiate any new rules or boundaries. I need his reassurance that he will still want me in his life but of course he can't give me that. Our positions are so different - I'm happy with what is and only looking for on occasional flirty thing on the side. He's looking for an actual relationship, one that will be more 'primary' than I am now to him. There's no telling what that will do to my place in his life. It's accepting this uncertainty which is the hardest for me. And also I want to make sure that because of this uncertainty I don't start to withdraw, which is my go-to mechanism when I feel unloved.

****************

woke up to an email from Knight this morning, one line, that said he was thinking of me. Don't know what to do with that. The email was titled ' short - long' so I replied and asked what does that mean? He replies and says ' short email - too long since we've seen each other' . Its only been 3 weeks or so, we've gone much longer without seeing each other. I was just about to let him slip away from my system and poof there he is. He always, always manages to do this.

*****************

had to cancel my second date with Cute Bi Guy this weekend because I was sick. We've only met once and I know how tricky a cancelled date can be, and I was a little worried that he wouldn't take it well. But he's been texting me sweet get-well-soon messages yesterday... he really seems like a great guy... and so cute

*****************

I asked MrBrown to go away with me for the weekend some time in december, it will be around our one year anniversary. I booked a nice place and he said yes It's more than a month away and I probably won;t see him before that, but I'm ok with that. I'm always most content when I have a date lined up with him, and it doesn't really matter how far in the future it is.

Now, I just have to shake this cold, because I have a lot of fun things planned for this week, culminating in C's first sleepover-with-husband-present this weekend....
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf


******************************

There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 11-09-2012, 01:01 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 411
Default

Here are some quotes from nycindie's blog... been thinking about this a lot the past couple of days. (I added the color). Quoted it here to have it for easy reference.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Today I read something in a self-help book that suddenly changed my outlook. I can't even clearly say the process I went through, but it's all about getting used to things a certain way in my relationship, and having expectations because I had stopped seeing our relationship and who he is clearly. I was living with expectations for things to keep going the same as they had been, and my desire for us to become closer, instead of being awake and aware of things as they ARE RIGHT NOW, and now, and now, and now, and now... Life is always changing! I was taking him and our dynamic for granted, and then when he announced this change - having another relationship with someone else - I perceived that change as a threat to me. The limbic part of the brain sees drastic shifts in the environment as threats - fight or flight. And I made sure not to beat myself up for going into that kind of negative thinking, which can be very addictive.

So, this book I read talked about having preferences rather than demands, to change our programming from demanding and expecting what we want to having a preference but being okay with not getting what we want. You have more of a chance at being happy that way, rather than disappointed, and you change the quality of the energy you direct at others by doing so, which means that more loving, positive energy comes back to you. .


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It's an old one from the 70s which continues to be reprinted - The Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes, Jr.
(...)

The addiction, as I understand it, comes from being unaware of where our thought patterns lead us. And also, not wanting to grow up and take responsibility, as well as living in the past or future rather than the here and now. We are conditioned as babies and young children to make lots of noise when we want something and to have an emotional response when we either get it or not. We associate getting those things as necessary for our happiness. Keyes says it's perfectly fine to want things but to hold them as preferences so that there isn't as much attachment to the outcome, and to direct love out to the world whether we get those things or not. This frees us to feel what we feel and be satisfied with life even if we don't get our way. But he goes into addiction a lot more in the book. Humans like rhythms, routine, patterns. Basically being upset about stuff is usually part of a way of thinking that has become a pattern we keep following even if not satisfying.
So, C. lives 3 hours away, but just from the pattern and content of his texting yesterday, I knew he was on a date. And it turned out he was.
Why am I so afraid of this? My anxiety was through the roof this morning. I can't seem to find the switch I have to flip to NOT be scared of losing him.

How wonderful woud it be if I could say, referring to the Keyes quote above, "I would prefer to stay in a relationship with him. There are no signs that this is going to change, but of course it could change, because everything can change. But I won't attach myself to this wish and I won't demand that I get what I want - staying in a relationship with him. Instead, I will continue to love him and be loved by him, and live the present, because the present is pretty damn good".

oh, so difficult.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf


******************************

There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 11-15-2012, 03:39 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 411
Default

welll... that was a pretty awesome weekend.

As I described here, I had discussed with Ren the possibillitites of having Curlz over for a sleep over while he (Ren) was also at home. C. has already spent a number of nights at my house, but on all these oocasions, Ren was spending the night elsewhere.
Ren said he was in favor of this, C. was happy to be invited, so this past Sunday, it was time
I went to C.'s house the day before, and on Sunday, we both travelled to my city. Went to my house to drop of the bags. I went to my room to change, and as I was rushing to get ready I heard Ren and C. quietly chatting downstairs and all of a sudden I thought "I don;t have to rush, they'll be ok, they won't kill each other, they are supposed to spend time together to get to know each other"!

C. and I had a lovely day in the city, then went home where Ren was, I cooked dinner and we sat down to dinner the 3 of us. While I was cooking they sat with me in the kitchen, we all chatted, I had moments when I just wanted to pinch myself I could not believe how easy and relaxed it all was...

After dinner Ren went to meet a friend and C. and I headed out to see a show. We ran in to a couple of my friends, and those meetings were, too, very relaxed.
Later that night we met up with Rens and another friend in a bar, and as I was sitting between Ren and C., they both took turns in giving me some attention... no overt PDA's just a light hand on my back, a little squeezing of my knee... I felt so warm, loved, and calm.

We all went home and went to sleep in 3 different rooms. I woke up in the middle of the night, the house was so quiet, and I just lay there thinking how beautiful it felt to have both guys in the house with me, sleeping, peaceful.

The next morning Ren shook C.'s hand after breakfast and said "see you next time".
I can see this happening again, it doesn't have to be often for me, but the fact that it's possible has just made all the difference.

*******************

and if that wasn't excitement enough... I came out to my parents the next day.
I'd been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm not very close to my parents, and we almost never talk about feelings, most of our conversations are of the 'what did you do - where did you go' kind. But that was exactly what made conversations difficult lately, because I found myself lying to them about where I'd been and with whom.

I kept thinking about what a big deal I'm making about my friend who's having the affir and how I feel that lies are toxic, and I thought, I have to see this through.
So I went over there and started by telling them "Ren and I are still very happy together and we're NOT getting a divorce".
Then I said "but we both also see other people".
Then I said "If this makes you uncomfortable we don;t have to discuss it any further. If you want to ask questions, you can, or we can leave it at this. But I don't want to lie to you anymore, so on occasion, I will say "I was with my BF this weekend"or "Ren is on a trip with his GF".

They were shocked, and did not really know what to say (besides 'we're oldfashioned so we don't understand this')
I kept emphasizing that I am happy, that Ren and I are happy, and that I understand that it's difficult for them, but that I just no longer wanted to lie.

I'm not completely sure how they took it. I called today but we did not talk about it. I'm going to let them adjust for a bit and see if they come up with questions.

But me? I'm so terribly terribly relieved.
It's like a weight has been lifted and like I'm a new person. It's like I look at my life and my relationships differently now... with such a sense of calm.
I think its the fact that I've been dreading this, and did it.. it's an example of practice what I preach.

I'm proud of myself, happy with my life and my loves.
Life is good.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf


******************************

There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 11-15-2012, 04:12 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 57
Default

What a great way to put it! I'm glad that you feel better. I've been thinking of ways to do the same thing, but my parents are very conservative and I cannot imagine it going at all well. I hope that yours continue to respond positively.
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 11-15-2012, 06:42 PM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 814
Default

Sheesh your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm glad things went so well with your partners, and I really hope your parents keep taking it in stride, one never knows how those conversations are going to go, and I remember how much relief I felt to get that part over with!

*hug*
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:54 PM.