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  #11  
Old 10-25-2012, 01:16 PM
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MoonElf MoonElf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lolita View Post
We are communicating, but talking with him is different than talking with people that have been, or are in my situation. Which is why I am here.
Slowly...how long does it take to adjust to this?
Differs from person to person, like most everything on relationships. Sadly, there's no "rule".
Peaches seemed to adjust to this in less than an hour. I got a little bit of competitive jaleousy from him, but nothing that was harmfull to the relationship or even bothered me at all. Me, It took me a few weeks to warp my head around the idea that MAYBE he would be someone else. This with me being poly too, and sharing his views and feelings. Terrified me at first.
CC, my new partner, needs to take things slowly. It's been trhee months into our relationship now, and we're still adjusting, he's still getting over jaleousy and feelings of being "the second" or of intruding on my relationship with Peaches somehow.

If you're comunicating, and you're willing to make this work, you'll get though this. And you'll be through a lot of insecurity and jaleousy that was part of you. Think of it as self-improovment. Helped me a lot to think I'd be a more confident, independent person after I dealt with my insecurities. The relationship working out in the process was a lovely bonus, and a sure thing to happen when both people are happy with themselfs.

And as for wanting to know about everything, I have this little perk too. ^^ I must confess I feel safer if I know what's going on, since I have a WILD imagination. Peaches, on the other hand, likes to hear me describe my dates, but it's not a necessity to him. He says i'm entitled to my privacy if needed be. (He's just awesome. I don't know how he does that.)
So again, no rules. Whatever makes you feel better.

Best of luck to you,
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  #12  
Old 10-25-2012, 08:16 PM
lolita lolita is offline
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Hi MoonElf
Thank you for your input, i have read your replies to some of the other posts on hear and you seem to have really good advice.
I am feeling strangely empowered by this whole thing. Along with a million other emotions...It has taken our sex to a whole new level, and nothing has even happened with her yet! So if that is a side benefit then bring it on!
We are communicating well, i told him that I need to be able to talk about everything. And he is fine with that. He is a really great man, and love him to no end. Which is part of the reason i am willing to do this for him. we have been together for almost 23 years.
One of the things that bothers me is she is 10 years younger than me and that makes me feel insecure and inferior.It actually bothers me that I am bothered by that because i am generally a pretty confident woman. And then there is the jealousy that he gets excited about seeing her,talking to her etc etc etc...
I hope I'm not sounding silly, I am just trying to wrap my head around this. i really want this to be a good thing for all involved.
Thank you again for responding to me.
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  #13  
Old 10-26-2012, 03:40 AM
Stevenjaguar Stevenjaguar is offline
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In my own experience you have to say you're feeling jealous, insecure and afraid, and maybe angry, too, and have people deal with your feelings. If you don't you're subverting yourself for someone else or just to keep the peace, which won't last.

It takes a long time and sometimes you have to do the same thing over and over again to get it resolved.

With us it was something like, "I'm feeling jealous, insecure and afraid I'll lose you. I'm not asking you to do anything about it, I just need to tell you and have you acknowledge it."

Many talks, many tears and much love later it works out.
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  #14  
Old 10-26-2012, 04:58 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Identify the precise fear. Then, ask yourself if its driven by fact or fiction. I wrote a blog post about this recently on my personally blog (links in signature). But cant link it from my phone.

Definitely no set timeframe. In fact, first two woman dh was with I was ok and resolved any insecurities in a matter of hours. The last-led to near hospitalization for severe anxiety attacks.
Every situation differs and you have to deal with them individually because the emotions could be based on a legitimate risk or on an untealistic fear.
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  #15  
Old 10-26-2012, 05:03 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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The post is called 'dealing with fear' in case u wanted to look it up on my blog
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  #16  
Old 10-26-2012, 01:32 PM
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MoonElf MoonElf is offline
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I'm glad I could be of help.

About the feeling empowered thing, it IS empowering. Think about it: how mature and how confident you have to be. How much you trust your relationship and partner. How confortable you are with each other.
How many people spend a lifetime looking for such connection?

And I also experienced a great improovment on my sex life with Peachs since CC. I fell in love with Peaches all over again, part because of realising we trust each other so much, and have such a solid relationship that nothing - nor insecurities, nor third parties - would dissolve.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lolita View Post
One of the things that bothers me is she is 10 years younger than me and that makes me feel insecure and inferior.It actually bothers me that I am bothered by that because i am generally a pretty confident woman. And then there is the jealousy that he gets excited about seeing her,talking to her etc etc etc...
Girl power momment - Don't let society dictate it's crazy standards on you. XD (feminist side taking over here for a moment) I'm sure you know that, but being older makes you only better, more experienced, mature and AWESOME. Never inferior. This "the younger the better" thing is a sexist double standard (after all, no one seems to be bothered with men growing old) and you should not let it get to you. I'm sure you were an awesome woman 10 years ago. And that makes you DOUBLE AWESOME now. - girl power momment off -

As for being jaleous about him getting excited to see her and all that, keep in mind that this is NRE (New Relashionship Energy) and it's natural for him to be excited about it. Even more when he discovered his wife to be so accepting and open to this. When Peaches reacted so well to my new relationship I was SO excited ALL the time beacause he was being so awesome, and CC was making me happy too, and Peaches being cool about it made possible that I shared my happiness with him. That's how I see it, at least.

You are not sounding silly at all. This is hard to adjust to. But wanting this to be positive to everyone is the first step, and you're on it already.
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