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  #11  
Old 10-24-2012, 06:03 PM
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Anek Anek is offline
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Woah, regardless of previous arrangements or lack thereof, she doesn't sound like a nice person from the way she approached this. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who so blatantly ignores your feelings and does things behind your back?

I'd make it clear that this is unacceptable and leave.
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  #12  
Old 10-24-2012, 06:07 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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First ...being dictated to isn't a good plan if she really wanted to have a relationship with you. Here's whats going to happen ...deal or door asshole. Warm and loving

And if you didn't break the trust /cheat then having you submit paperwork to prove otherwise seems like a break up tactic. Hoop jumping ...insulting. Hoping you'll get the hint.

Do you have a submissive/slave relationship with her ? Seems like she treating you that way.

Everything in this screams it's over to me. Could it be she's just too gutless to break up with you properly?


Id walk head up,.... run, slink , crawl away from this. I see nothing but prolonged pain coming your way.
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  #13  
Old 10-24-2012, 06:26 PM
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MoonElf MoonElf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vosh View Post
We never had a poly agreement or even talked asbout ot until a year ago when we were joking around about it and next thing I know is "hey I'm doing this either get ok with it ,deal with it or just sit and be jealous and go away"
no real disscussion wasad and she will do what she will...no matter how I feel about it
This is not healthy at all. You seem to really like her, based on you saying you don't want to end this relationship.
So here's my advice:

1. Think about how you feel right now and what are your limits. Would you agree to a poly relationship, IF it was a healthy one? (With both participating in every decision and minding each others feelings?) Would both of you be willing to learn more about poly and discuss it properly before jumping into new relationships?

2. Comunicate your limits to her. Tell her IF you are ok with a poly relationship and what are your terms. Let her know you're not happy with the situation as it is. Let her know that what she's doing is inconsiderate and hurtfull. If you are NOT ok with a poly relationship in any way, tell her that.

3.Stand by your limits. I know it's hard, and probably not what you want to hear right now. But if after comunicating your needs to her and listening hers there's no agreement, you two ended up not being compatible after all. It's always sad when such a long relationship just goes wrong, but it happens. People and life goals change, and if you two can't reach an agreement on that, the best thing to do is split up.

Do not

1.Make it her choice. No "It's me or him" scenarios. What is happening here is that you are not happy with a situation and the way she's treating you (and I do think what she did is not ok), so take responsability. Say "I'm not ok with this" intead of "you have to choose". She made her choice already, aparently. It's up to you to be ok with it or not.

2.Agree or submit yourself to abusive or hurtfull situations. I understand it's very hard to let a 10 year relationship go, but sometimes it's for the best.

I must state that I do agree with other people in this thread. I'm trying really hard not to judge her here, but she didn't come off as a nice person at all. Everything you described points to abusive behavior. She also seems to be trying to make YOU break up with her. If that's the case, she's REALLY imature and you're better off without her. Sorry. :/
Best of luck to you. Hang in there, you'll get through this.
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Last edited by MoonElf; 10-24-2012 at 06:30 PM.
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  #14  
Old 10-24-2012, 06:48 PM
Wizzard Wizzard is offline
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I was reading along, kind of thinking, "Wow, this guy has it rough, until I came to this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vosh View Post
All this and heres the worst part, at her moms urging deny me sex until I show paperwork that I'm clean with no std's while giving her advice on how to deal with me being"possessive" which I'm not but really hurt by this.
Why, after 10 years, is her mother (of all people) suddenly interfering in your sex life, and demanding a clean bill of sexual health? I know I'm very new in this community, but this sends up MASSIVE red flags to me.

Either you've been in a sexual relationship with someone else recently, or they have reason to suspect you have. This isn't coming out of thin air.

Her behavior is reprehensible, there is absolutely no denying that. But I rather suspect yours hasn't been squeaky clean either.
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  #15  
Old 10-24-2012, 06:57 PM
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MoonElf MoonElf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wizzard View Post
Why, after 10 years, is her mother (of all people) suddenly interfering in your sex life, and demanding a clean bill of sexual health? I know I'm very new in this community, but this sends up MASSIVE red flags to me.
ANYONE outside my relationship of ONE WEEK having a say on our sex life is a massive red flag for me. xD

Vosh did say on one reply that he didn't do anything to raise their suspicion. I was trying to focus on the relationship before talking about the mother, but it IS really messed up/strange behavior on her.

Vosh, can we have some background on this? To me, at least, it'd kind of confusing why she'd do that.
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  #16  
Old 10-24-2012, 09:32 PM
Vosh Vosh is offline
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Default ok you got it

Her mother never liked me to begin with and for years have been interfering in our lives. Now I know this is her daughter but the end of last week I've been kinda pushed into this situationand after ten years you want me to get a bloodtest(which I do anyway every six months) and give the benifit of doubt to this other guy.
I know he hasn't and she's going to sleep with him when I told her not right now until we're clear about all this.
heres an update:s as of 12:30pm my time she tells me I'm gonna have sex with him and there ain'tnothing you can do about it.
Guys andGals...I'm really soul torn about all this.
thanks for letting me bend your ears
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  #17  
Old 10-24-2012, 10:55 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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This sucks but it sounds like she has already checked out of her relationship with you and is just using "I'm poly" as an excuse not to woman up and end the relationship.

You need to figure out what you want/need, tell her what they are, and if she isn't willing to work on that then let it go.

If you don't want a polyamorous relationship and she's telling you that if you want to be with her than you have to be okay with her not only being in another relationship but also be okay with her not caring about what you want/need then you need to look at whether or not being in a relationship with her is the healthiest thing.
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  #18  
Old 10-24-2012, 11:17 PM
Vosh Vosh is offline
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Default she has

And thats painful and add to that she's gonna do that tonight makes it far worse...but she just won't get that
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  #19  
Old 10-24-2012, 11:48 PM
Eternaldarkness Eternaldarkness is offline
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I cannot even imagine the pain you must be feeling right now, but your anger I certainly do understand. The way she's acting, assuming you've told us everything, I can honestly say that you would be justified in turning around and walking away from this relationship. BUT (and this is a big but) you've been with her for ten years, and you want to save this relationship. Take the advice of the other posters and talk to her about exactly what shape your relationship is going to take. Be fair, but don't be a pushover. Let her know how you feel, and make sure she understands that what she's doing isn't poly; it's just plain being selfish.

Last edited by Eternaldarkness; 10-24-2012 at 11:52 PM. Reason: typo
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  #20  
Old 10-25-2012, 12:47 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Her behavior is so unreasonable that I think this is her very clumsy way of telling you she wants to end her relationship with you. I would stop trying to explain yourself or get her attention in any way. Let her go. The only people who work hard to get the attention of those who treat them poorly are people with low self esteem. In my opinion, the best thing for you is to walk away from this relationship. She already has.

Last edited by snowmelt; 10-25-2012 at 12:52 AM.
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