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  #1  
Old 10-24-2012, 08:11 AM
Airto33 Airto33 is offline
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Default Mono guy with Poly girl: Finding the strength

I know what she needs, and why she needs it. I understand her feelings, and I acknowledge that I don't have the same ones. I know she has undying love for me, and wants to spend the rest of our lives together. I know she will only be with other guys from time to time that respect her, make her feel safe. I know I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that her relationships with other men bring spark to our sex life. I know that I get off on it, even. I know that I should be OK with all of this.

But I'm not.

I'm trying to find the strength. I'm always reminded of the little kid at the school yard who shows strength not by standing up to the bully, but by walking away. To walk away, in front of all the other kids pointing and laughing, is the ultimate strength. It's that strength where you are reaching within the depths of your heart and soul and switching off the pride, ego and jealously buttons that ever-so thrive inside of a man.

I'm that kid in the school yard, trying to find the strength.
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  #2  
Old 10-24-2012, 10:28 AM
JustUs JustUs is offline
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Who do you consider the schoolyard bully in your situation? Your girlfriend or the men she is with?

I am in much the same type of relationship with my wife. I am happy with her having another significant other and feel I am more mono, but it all works good. Just like you said, I enjoy the thought of her with another guy and often get off on the thought of it. If there is ever a time when I am feeling a little bit jealous of her with someone else, I always remind myself of what I get from it as well as what she gets from it as well and that feeling always passes. She is not into the idea of having a lot of men, but actually having a relationship with one guy and that guy committed to her only, hence being poly. It works for us and we are both very happy with were we are in our relationship and how a third brings something new to the relationship.

Hopefully things will get better as you better understand your wants and needs in addition to your girlfriends wants and needs and how you both can benefit from them. It can work.
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  #3  
Old 10-24-2012, 12:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Elaborate please.

Not ok with WHAT?

Are you angry? Fearful? Worrried? About what? When?

Could you name/articulate it?

Galagirl
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  #4  
Old 10-24-2012, 02:02 PM
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MoonElf MoonElf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Airto33 View Post
I know that I should be OK with all of this. But I'm not.
Ok, I just wanted to say first that you "shoud" not be ok with something you are not.
That being said, WHAT exactaly are you not ok with?

It sounds like you feel really intimidated, at least that's what the bully example says to me.
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  #5  
Old 10-25-2012, 01:41 AM
Airto33 Airto33 is offline
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]
Quote:
Who do you consider the schoolyard bully in your situation? Your girlfriend or the men she is with?
Neither. I was using the analogy to describe the strength I feel I need to have in order to be ok with her seeing other men.

How long have you been at this? Have you ever been in a situation where your wife wanted to be with someone that you knew first, or that you felt some sort of competition with?
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  #6  
Old 10-25-2012, 01:50 AM
Airto33 Airto33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Elaborate please.

Not ok with WHAT?

Are you angry? Fearful? Worrried? About what? When?

Could you name/articulate it?
She isn't looking to have a long term 3rd partner, but to have someone else on the side for a certain period of time. Problem is, this is the 2nd time she has gravitated towards someone where I have a weird competitive thing with, that I knew before her, that I have worked for in the past, etc. Some guys I feel ok with, some I don't. We have talked about boundaries and "rules". But if she is really in to someone that cares about her and treats her well, and I say no, she may sneak around behind my back(which she has done, regretfully). So I feel forced to deal with it and "find the strength" in order for her not to feel compelled to lie. Make sense?
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  #7  
Old 10-25-2012, 01:53 AM
Airto33 Airto33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonElf View Post

It sounds like you feel really intimidated, at least that's what the bully example says to me.
Not by her, but maybe by the idea of the guy that she decided to see. I don't know! I was venting last night. Nice to have you all chime in
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  #8  
Old 10-25-2012, 04:39 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Problem is, this is the 2nd time she has gravitated towards someone where I have a weird competitive thing with, that I knew before her, that I have worked for in the past, etc. Some guys I feel ok with, some I don't. We have talked about boundaries and "rules". But if she is really in to someone that cares about her and treats her well, and I say no, she may sneak around behind my back(which she has done, regretfully).
Jeez. That's not cool. Why lie? Aren't there enough people in the world without picking people you work for? Sheesh.

If you make agreements and she's breaking them, how is she taking care of her current partner (you) and creating an emotionally safe space so you can be ok with her dating other people?

Nobody likes to be put through the wringer. Certainly not put there by someone who is supposed to love and care for you.

What is that all about?

I am sorry you are going through this. But this is not loving or considerate behavior.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-25-2012 at 01:33 PM.
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  #9  
Old 10-25-2012, 09:37 AM
JustUs JustUs is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Airto33 View Post
]

Neither. I was using the analogy to describe the strength I feel I need to have in order to be ok with her seeing other men.

How long have you been at this? Have you ever been in a situation where your wife wanted to be with someone that you knew first, or that you felt some sort of competition with?
We have been poly for almost 10 years. The first relationship that last over 2 years, we did not realize that we were poly until it ended.
I would have to say she has never been in a relationship with someone I knew first or someone that I would feel competitive with. That does sound like an interesting and unique situation to be in. I feel your girlfriend should take you feelings into consideration when getting involved with someone else. If I was not comfortable with a guy my wife was seeing I truly believe she would not continue or pursue it. We are very open and communicate a lot, especially when a potential partner comes along.
Hope it all works out for you.

Typically if there is someone she is interested in, we meet them for the first time together. In actuality, she has only had 2 boyfriends so far, one relationship lasting 2 years and the other lasting almost 3 years. There have been a couple of potential guys, but never worked out.

Last edited by JustUs; 10-25-2012 at 09:45 AM.
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