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Old 12-17-2009, 04:41 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Default Have you always known if you are mono or poly?

I really dont know one way or another. I dont have a gut feeling that tells me im poly or that I am mono for that matter. Likewise I am attracted to both males and females (I have never had any sexual relations with females but am open to doing so) what does this make me? Does it matter?
Have any of you ever wondered these same things or did you just know? I am also only 20, and have only had 2 relationships before so I am new to allll of this stuff in general!
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Old 12-17-2009, 04:54 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
I really dont know one way or another. I dont have a gut feeling that tells me im poly or that I am mono for that matter. Likewise I am attracted to both males and females (I have never had any sexual relations with females but am open to doing so) what does this make me? Does it matter?
Have any of you ever wondered these same things or did you just know? I am also only 20, and have only had 2 relationships before so I am new to allll of this stuff in general!
I think you hit ! It DOESN'T matter. Avoid labels whenever possible Labels can put boxes around things that shouldn't be confined.
What matters is that you learn to love & be loved (including by yourself). Numbers don't matter, gender doesn't matter. It just needs to be real & from the heart.
The "wondering" is a natural part of exposure to something new. Try to never lose that ! When we lose our sense of wonder we are dead husks.

GS
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Old 12-17-2009, 06:06 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I've always been mono and have celebrated realizations in this of late but Grounded Spirit is right..it doesn't matter
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Old 12-17-2009, 06:11 PM
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There has not been a moment when I knew either way. I was raised and learned from a ripe early age to be mono. I attended a Catholic school from k-8 grade. I always crushed hard as youngin and beyond. But I was mostly faithful to whoever I was seeing through misery and bliss.

As I am new to all of this, I am not fully comfortable calling myself poly. I think of it as an exploration. I am exploring connections with people and getting to know myself and my partner in a much closer, open way.

I have often questioned am I just one way, is it all black and white? Are my beliefs important enough to me not to change them? Am I willing to shift? What will it mean for my future for my partner? What will my family say?

What I am learning is it does not matter the label I put on it or what others think. All that matters is what does and doesn't work for me and my partner.

I often think about what I would be like without societal influences at every turn, how would I view beauty? How would I view myself? What would be truly important to me?

Anyhow, I'm rambling, but I have never "just known". I'm still figuring it out. But I do like what I am finding
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Old 12-17-2009, 07:49 PM
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
... "wondering" is a natural part of exposure to something new. Try to never lose that ! When we lose our sense of wonder we are dead husks.

GS
Isn't there a pearl thread - not sure how to move this quote but I SO THINK it fits..and I am in agreement with everyone so far - it doesn't matter. I'm one of those label hating people - but then I always KNEW I could love more then one person wholey it wasn't till recently that I found loves that could live that way with me..I'm over 40, it took a while. best wishes on your journey.
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Old 12-17-2009, 10:08 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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you guys are totally right, I figured it doesn't really matter but in a way it would be nice to be able to identify as either mono or poly.

It must seem like I am very big on labeling by the sound of my posts,
I'm not really...I'm just struggling to understand something new and where I fit within it, in the scheme of things.

Grounded Spirit you are 100% right, I should have enough confidence in the fact that I am capable of loving and being loved and that I am open-minded individual.... to throw away these labels.
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Old 12-17-2009, 10:08 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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oh and thank you everyone.
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Old 12-17-2009, 10:24 PM
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Well, in some ways it matters in that you're asking questions that encourage you to look within. That's great. Whatever label get's put on what you find has little to do with the reality of your experience.

I simply identify as someone who is open to relationships in whatever form they present themselves to me. At this point, those relationships are poly in nature and they're what works best for me, but doesn't change who I am. If at some point in life the relationship that works best for me is monogamous in nature, it still wouldn't change who I am and how I identify.
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Old 12-17-2009, 11:01 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
It must seem like I am very big on labeling by the sound of my posts,
I'm not really...I'm just struggling to understand something new and where I fit within it, in the scheme of things.

Grounded Spirit you are 100% right, I should have enough confidence in the fact that I am capable of loving and being loved and that I am open-minded individual.... to throw away these labels.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with labels. Labels are nothing more than descriptions of what what's happening or what something is. Labels are not evil, little boxes that trap people--they provide important information.

Indeed, without having terms to describe things, we can't really discuss anything. And if folks try to stretch terms to cover more territory than those terms should cover, then we can't truly discuss anything because we'll have no damn clue what it is we should be discussing.

The question as to whether you do poly or not is simple: do you engage in multiple, loving, romantic relationships? If you do, then you are doing poly.

I know I'm cut out to do poly because I wondered why I was expected to have only one girlfriend from the moment I figured out girls were suddenly really attractive. For me, there was never any question of whether or not I wanted more than one relationship at a time. There was only a question of whether I would find partners who were also up for it.

I also do hetero romantic relationships. I self-describe as straight not because there's an evil, little, label box that I fell into and I have to conform to it, but because it describes accurately the fact that I don't find men attractive for romantic relationships. There are folks who self-describe as bisexual because they do both hetero- and homosexual relationships. There are folks who self-describe as gay/lesbian because they do homosexual relationships exclusively.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 12-17-2009, 11:15 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
There's absolutely nothing wrong with labels. Labels are nothing more than descriptions of what what's happening or what something is. Labels are not evil, little boxes that trap people--they provide important information.

Indeed, without having terms to describe things, we can't really discuss anything. And if folks try to stretch terms to cover more territory than those terms should cover, then we can't truly discuss anything because we'll have no damn clue what it is we should be discussing.

The question as to whether you do poly or not is simple: do you engage in multiple, loving, romantic relationships? If you do, then you are doing poly.

I know I'm cut out to do poly because I wondered why I was expected to have only one girlfriend from the moment I figured out girls were suddenly really attractive. For me, there was never any question of whether or not I wanted more than one relationship at a time. There was only a question of whether I would find partners who were also up for it.

I also do hetero romantic relationships. I self-describe as straight not because there's an evil, little, label box that I fell into and I have to conform to it, but because it describes accurately the fact that I don't find men attractive for romantic relationships. There are folks who self-describe as bisexual because they do both hetero- and homosexual relationships. There are folks who self-describe as gay/lesbian because they do homosexual relationships exclusively.
you have some really nice points.

I think maybe labeling just isnt for me as I can clearly put myself in any label. I'd like to one day to experience a romantic relationship with a woman, and a romantic relationship with more than one person, but I am not certain that either of those two things would work out successfully for me. I am okay with this though.

I read somewhere online, never to "try out" being poly for someoneone if your not poly. This really through me for a loop. Here I am 100% new to the idea of polyamory, how am I expected to know what I "am"? Is it unfair that I shouldnt be able to pursue a relationship with a poly man i adore, simply because I dont know exactly how to define myself? I think so.
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