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Old 10-23-2012, 07:27 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,145

I think part of this has just been me learning to respect R's boundaries when it comes to my other relationships and learning what my own boundaries are when it comes to H's relationships or my own.
Yup. The hinge person is the TMI wall person.

I guess I mostly just felt guilty when I was around R (primary) because sometimes my mind would slip to H.
Let it blow on through. Feelings are just feelings. Your mind wanders around -- it's ok to think of one when with the other. So WHAT? Pleasant emotion will remind you of other pleasant -- you aren't hurting either to wander off in a daydream a little bit. So long as you are present when it matters it is ok.

Keep your expectations -- even of yourself -- realistic.

Time management has been a little bit of an issue, too, mainly because when H comes to town I want to see him most, if not all, the nights he's in town (typically just 2 or 3) and R doesn't want me to do that, even if he's not free to hang out those nights. He feels scared of it.
This is HIS feeling. You are limited by availability and 2-3 nights is not a horrible thing in a month.

What does he fear will happen?

And you can say to him "I see that you are afraid. I am sorry you hurt. But I have no other time to spend with H where he is available. So I am going. I am willing to help and support you to resolve this fear thing, but the answer is NOT me avoiding going if it enables you to avoid addressing the fear thing."
The main reason that R worries I would be happier with H is because of my intellectual connection with him. R feels intellectually inferior to H.
Again, this is a feeling of R's. That is for him to own and resolve. You can support him and offer nurture if he's going to work on overcoming this inferiority thing but do not enable.

Gala, this is what I mean when I'm afraid that my relationship with H is damaging to R. I am afraid it's pushing him away on some level.
Nope. It could be your relationship to Bob or Peter or whoever -- the problem is not you having relationship. The problem is R not working on his inner world issues.

But it's the WORRY, that ugly little WORRY that makes me feel like my love for H could be casting a cool shadow on R. R simply can't bear to hear about my feelings for H. He asks sometimes about specific things and then shudders when I answer him.
Then that is for him to own also. You could change how you answer.

R asks you about H?

You say "Well, I am willing to share that information. But the last time you asked you got all _____. Do you really want to know that answer? What for? To share? That is one thing. To beat yourself up with it? That's another. Motive, please."

He knows I love him. It drives him nuts because it's not at all what he wants for himself and he finds it threatening of us. This is the first relationship either of us have been in that we want to work out for the long haul. I've had longterm things before, but the future was never brought up, or when it was I ended up leaving.
I do not understand that bit. He does not want WHAT for himself? Poly? He finds that threatening?
Yes, a thousand times yes. I would never say "I told you so" to R, but I was skeptical of his hypothesis that opening up would enhance his libido. I think am getting a lot of guilt because it has unexpectedly boosted mine.
It is what it is. R could learn to own his own feelings.

Related question-- how do I gently talk to R about the root of his lower sex drive?
"Hon, I'm worried about your libido thing. When was your last physical and check up?"

Plain and simple.

Also, when he occasionally get a pimple or feels a breakout coming on he complains that it really brings him down and reminds him of being sixteen and not wanting to do anything where he had to see people or have any pictures taken of him.
He sounds like he's got self esteem work to do, honestly.

He thinks he just has a low sex drive, period, the end, that's it. I find this limiting and just flat out wrong, but I don't know how to address that without worrying that I'll come off as a jerk...
"I would like you to see your doctor and get a check up and look into your hormone levels and whatnot to see if that impacts your libido. I am your partner. I have to help tend to your physical health things. Your health is tied to MY health because we are lovers. So go."

Plain and simple.

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