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  #1491  
Old 10-14-2012, 07:23 PM
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Everything burlesque this week. Two shows in ten days means a very busy Ms. Pepper. I feel invisible right now as a result as I tuck myself away to costume, practice and stay up nights thinking and processing my life.

A successful show this week with many people there I know from many communities, including the BDSM community. I haven't been active in that community for over a year now as burlesque has become more important. My kink side has gone underground. This is where I prefer it. I am not a voyeur and I don't particularly get off on being watched at BDSM events. Burlesque has filled all aspects of being watched for me and now I find myself having the luxurious feeling of being able to indulge in my fantasy life and think of fetishes that make me tingly in all the right places... I am finding that burlesque and fetish are becoming one. This next number I am doing for a Halloween show is a fetish number and my most provocative. I basically fuck a teddy bear. Wouldn't you know it, my co-workers have decided to come to this particular show.

I am waiting for the many tid bits of drama and relationship navigation to slow down and work themselves out. None of it is to do with me, but it effects me in that I take peoples emotions on and have enough education and experience by now that I predict out comes that make me wiggle in my seat. I remain cautious and reminded that I don't know all sides of the stories and its nothing to do with me. Still, I feel and care deeply for those involved and fight myself on making suggestions and comments that they might see as intrusive and controlling. Where is the line between sharing wisdom and attempting to control outcomes so as to experience some kind of relieve?

Still, occasionally I get aggravated that someone thinks they are the only one going through stuff, the only ones with problems and dilemmas, the only ones that have stuff to talk about and get resentful that I don't get asked how I am doing and what is going on for me. Its my own fault. I don't push my own issues in conversations and tend to inquire about others rather than talk about my self. Not with everyone, but most people. When I do finally say something, usually out of frustration, people tend to be surprised that I have my own shit going on and that I am in the same boat as them or have been. They get surprised that they are not unique in all the world at all. When it comes to poly, we have all been through it before. Its not anything new. And if we haven't, we will at some point.

So I have saturated myself in costume making and going over numbers in my head as a way of coping with feeling left out, frustrated and resentful. Meh, it works for me.... on to intensive creativity I guess.

In my relationships there is really just the matter of time issues. As usual. Time and desire. I have lost desire, at the moment, in spending time with anyone and I suspect they all think that I am spending time with someone else and that is why I have been slightly absent. If the plates aren't balance as far as time then I end up with forlorn looking partners that wonder why they aren't getting attention. At least that is what I think in my own head. Truth is, I just don't want company right now and want to nurture my primary relationship. Maybe by the end of this week that will change when my time is freed up a bit more.

I also want some attention too and don't feel I have been getting it. It seems to me that when in I am in a situation where everyone is waiting for me, no one seeks me out, because they think I am too busy and getting attention elsewhere. I am actually not. I spend time and energy giving attention when I can and get little in return most days. I feel like I am clambering at the moment to fill a need that isn't being filled. I know it is me that needs to fill it which brings me right back to my need to isolate and be my own primary... which makes for unhappy partners.... which means I need to spend energy on them... which means the cycle continues.

Actually, truthfully, PN is the biggest giver to me. He takes care of many things I don't have time for or energy. He gets the least amount of my time and gives the most. He really is the most incredible man. I wish he would find someone that would give him more attention than I have time for. He deserves that. At the same time I am concerned I will lose him to someone that has time for him. I would be lost without his attention to the details of our family life. I guess I would adjust, but I don't want to and don't wish for that.

There has been lots of pushes in other areas of my life lately also. We are likely going to go on strike at my work and with the retiring of a co-worker from his position of shop steward, I have been asked to do the job. I am excited about getting some training that I wouldn't normally get in the form of mediation training and excited to know something of what is going on in more detail that the union has come to the decision to strike. I am not excited about the extra time away from my life for meetings and not so much looking forward to passing on info to workers that get frustrated with my lack of detail and care for facts. I carry an understanding of feelings, emotional content and overall sense of what is going on and sometimes that is not what people want to know.

This week at my sons school there is the AGM where I think I am likely going to be asked and voted in to be PAC president (parents advisory committee). The job is a thankless one... as most of these jobs are, and while I like to be involved in his school I have enjoyed being somewhat removed my being the PAC secretary instead. Truth is that I have been more than a little frustrated with the way the president has run things in the last years and have a lot of ideas for change. Last year I went ahead and attempted to make some of those changes and got her back up. Some people liked the changes and this is why I think I might be voted in.

I don't have any time left. At all. Like NONE. I fear I will lose my mind soon. Again. Amongst a week of intensive getting ready for my show, I have some big decisions to make about how to spend my time. Time to isolate and buckle down to where changes can be made.
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  #1492  
Old 10-16-2012, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I remain cautious and reminded that I don't know all sides of the stories and its nothing to do with me. Still, I feel and care deeply for those involved and fight myself on making suggestions and comments that they might see as intrusive and controlling. Where is the line between sharing wisdom and attempting to control outcomes so as to experience some kind of relieve?
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Still, occasionally I get aggravated that someone thinks they are the only one going through stuff, the only ones with problems and dilemmas, the only ones that have stuff to talk about and get resentful that I don't get asked how I am doing and what is going on for me. Its my own fault. I don't push my own issues in conversations and tend to inquire about others rather than talk about my self. Not with everyone, but most people. When I do finally say something, usually out of frustration, people tend to be surprised that I have my own shit going on and that I am in the same boat as them or have been. They get surprised that they are not unique in all the world at all. When it comes to poly, we have all been through it before. Its not anything new. And if we haven't, we will at some point.

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Actually, truthfully, PN is the biggest giver to me. He takes care of many things I don't have time for or energy. He gets the least amount of my time and gives the most. He really is the most incredible man. I wish he would find someone that would give him more attention than I have time for. He deserves that. At the same time I am concerned I will lose him to someone that has time for him. I would be lost without his attention to the details of our family life. I guess I would adjust, but I don't want to and don't wish for that.
I myself have discovered recently that I hate detail. We're about to move and having to deal with the little things is bothersome to me and I'd prefer my SO figure it out and execute while I do other stuff that's beneficial to us. We work better that way and I'm happier that way.

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I am not excited about the extra time away from my life for meetings and not so much looking forward to passing on info to workers that get frustrated with my lack of detail and care for facts. I carry an understanding of feelings, emotional content and overall sense of what is going on and sometimes that is not what people want to know.
Yep.

All of this resonates so very deeply with me. I don't have much to say besides, I'm right there with you Red. Right. There. I get it I get it I get it.

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  #1493  
Old 10-16-2012, 09:10 PM
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Where is the line between sharing wisdom and attempting to control outcomes so as to experience some kind of relieve?
This is something I've been thinking about. I often feel that I can give quite good feedback about stuff, but with some issues I've actually felt that I maybe shouldn't comment because some of my motivation might be affected by my own feelings. It may not be even that I want a certain outcome, but that I'd like some kind of conclusion to uncertainty.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Still, occasionally I get aggravated that someone thinks they are the only one going through stuff, the only ones with problems and dilemmas, the only ones that have stuff to talk about and get resentful that I don't get asked how I am doing and what is going on for me. Its my own fault. I don't push my own issues in conversations and tend to inquire about others rather than talk about my self. Not with everyone, but most people.
There was actually interesting discussion about this precise thing somewhere else; it seems people divide in their communication styles with regards to asking questions or not and to how they tell about themselves. This can create misunderstandings, since some people may feel they don't want to ask about things the other person doesn't bring up first. So they tell about themself and expect the other person to do the same. But then the other person may feel like the person who tries to be considerate is not interested and self-involved.

I tend to be vary of asking about things even if I am close with the person. I fear I'm being too personal, or the other person will feel pressured to answer. But after finding this out I've thought maybe I should try to make a note about how the other person communicates; if they ask a lot of questions, they might actually like it if I do the same. It is difficult, though, to change the way that feels more natural. But maybe you could also try to tell about yourself without being asked? I bet many of the people would really be interested, but don't want to accidentaly cross a boundary.
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  #1494  
Old 10-17-2012, 06:35 AM
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Thanks rory and arrowbound. Rory, I do talk about myself to most people when I feel comfortable. Some people though have so much going on and are so self absorbed that they find it hard to listen or aren't interested. Rightly so if they have lots to sort through. I guess I just have to find someone to pay some attention to me talking sometime soon. Actually I did today when I met Brad for a coffee. I feel like I have been listened to and that equals feeling a lot better.
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  #1495  
Old 10-20-2012, 02:46 AM
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Some people though have so much going on and are so self absorbed that they find it hard to listen or aren't interested. Rightly so if they have lots to sort through.
Have you heard that Black Keys lyric? "A broken heart is blind." Makes sense as to why people think that they are the only ones going through stuff sometimes. Hearts break over the smallest and the biggest things daily if you think about it.
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  #1496  
Old 10-23-2012, 02:49 AM
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I wrote a version of this on a group last week and it is holding in my mind. I thought I would paste it here.
.................................................. ..................................

Personally I like drama. The kind that means that shit is aired out with calmness, kindness and a whole lot of listening, pacing and consideration. Not the kind that is perpetuated because someone is in a comfortable rut of creating it over and over again just because that is what they are used to and feel they are only valuable if they are causing it or are a part of it.

There is an art to knowing which is which in people and that means really listening to them and really asking them some hard questions. Asking myself some hard questions. There are not many people who can reach the point of being frustrated with drama and still push to see if there is space in front of it. An ending to it. That kind of work with someone is such a huge gift. It takes incredible people to spend that time. It takes incredible love.

Drama to me is inevitable. Regardless of how much I avoid or hate it. I embrace it for a time until the issues are somewhat solved with a course of action or a break needs to be taken. What really is damaging I find is when people decide to shut down and shut up because something is hard. Sometimes there is just as much drama caused because someone has decided to stop talking; as if the issues just disappear and no one will notice they were their at all.

This is the kind of shutting down that is about lack kind and caring communication. The kind that becomes hurtful. Even a simple "I need a break" is better than silence or harsh words. Reaching that silent point usually means its done. At least for now. In a case such as this, I would have a hard time with being involved in any way with that person again... it would be near impossible for me to be at all involved with the person if one of my partners decided to be involved with them. Still, I would give it a try and do my best to trust that whatever the issues they can be worked through. Why? Because love is worth it. Being positive is worth it.

To me negative anything begets more negative and so I would try to work things out with anyone who repeats themselves in my life. Positive loving actions and thoughts do the same thing. If I just stop being involved in negative then it has no where to go. If I encourage positive it expands. Thing is, how does one stay positive when there is the element of "its not fair" or "its hurts still" and the frustration that comes along with that.... that is the tricky part and the part that has to be practiced I think. I would ask for a lot of forgiveness while I process I think. I would ask for space. I would need it in order to get back to loving again.

I would also keep my negativity within a circle that I trust will not judge me or expand the negative thinking that comes up sometimes. They would have to be people that know I need to blow off steam in order to maintain order for myself and to spread the positive stuff. Those people would love my drama because they love me and would understand that I don't wish to hold on to it but need to process somewhere. Those people would be positive and loving and I would give that in return.

I have this right now. I am so blessed. Yet there is still so much work to be done with some people... It hurts and my heart aches to do it. It aches when they don't want to work as hard as I do.
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  #1497  
Old 10-23-2012, 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Personally I like drama. The kind that means that shit is aired out with calmness, kindness and a whole lot of listening, pacing and consideration. Not the kind that is perpetuated because someone is in a comfortable rut of creating it over and over again just because that is what they are used to and feel they are only valuable if they are causing it or are a part of it.
I actually don't see the first kind as drama at all. Directly but kindly expressing emotional stuff, showing emotions, alone doesn't equal drama (and it is some chauvinistic bs that it is seen that way in the first place). It actually prevents drama, since as you say:

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What really is damaging I find is when people decide to shut down and shut up because something is hard. Sometimes there is just as much drama caused because someone has decided to stop talking; as if the issues just disappear and no one will notice they were their at all.
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  #1498  
Old 10-25-2012, 06:07 AM
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"I feel joy when we meet, and when I see your face, you literally sparkle. I both feel the happiness to be with you and the ache of knowing it will be too short."

Text from Brad tonight.
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  #1499  
Old 10-25-2012, 09:21 PM
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My show this past weekend was the best yet. I got a standing ovation and have been asked to commit to doing several shows before christmas. I'm so excited yet the shows conflict with birthday and travel plans I have to go to Nova Scotia, Canada with Mono.

Having four partners means lots of birthday celebrations so I sent out an email to all of them giving them some dates as to when I'm free to do various things from group celebrations to individual ones. So far I am being made dinner and taken out to dinner by PN and Mono. yay! Love being treated to a great meal.

Last weekend was Mono's birthday. I got in touch with much of our friends and we all went to a restaurant together. I think this was the first birthday where many people showed up that are not family. Usually he doesn't want anything major, just my parents, PN's parents and us. It was fun and I think he enjoyed seeing that people love and care about him.
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Old 10-25-2012, 09:38 PM
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Ken came over this weekend to pick something up that Mono borrowed ages ago and to have a visit with him. He texted ahead of time to be sure I would be there as he wanted to see me too. I knew he was coming and had intended to just stay in my room, but agree, after his text, to say hello.

He looked the same; big smile, moving from one foot to the next, hands in pockets, obviously really glad to see me. We held each other in a warm hug for a long time and I enjoyed feeling him against me again; his presence. I was overwhelmed and didn't have much to say. I'm not sure if it was because it was the day of my show or because I was seeing him again after many months, or because my emotions hit me and a flood of thoughts about my co-worker, my sadness and hopelessness around him... But they were enough to knock me out until today, four days later. How can it possibly be that in the midst of four wonderful relationships that I can't let someone go and just be happy for him. I have tried to have compersion, but I am left feeling resentful and hurt by the situation. I guess I need more time. I guess its not helping to work with his gf. Constant reminder. Daily. Its fucked up our relationship for me I think.

I have started chatting with men again on okc lately in the hopes of working on friendships with people that want to hang out with me and my tribe. Its a long shot, but we all need friends right? Even if I have a full deck of loves. I have been going through that feeling of "fuck it, just get in touch with whomever you are missing and see if they want to chat" again. Maybe it was seeing Ken again? I just want to stay in touch some how. Make all the lose ends tied up again. Maybe I will just go ahead and do that. I feel like working on friendships lately...
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