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Old 10-22-2012, 03:47 AM
kissapolygrrl kissapolygrrl is offline
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Default Dealing with my own insecurities

Hello everyone. I'm very new to this forum and selfishly, I joined simply because I deeply need to talk to others and sort out my own thoughts. My husband and I have been exploring polyamory and I know it's who I am but that doesn't stop the fact that I'm deeply struggling with the new relationship that he's involved in. They are *extremely* into each other and I'm feeling so insecure about everything and I simply do NOT know how to deal with it. I know he doesn't love me less...I KNOW this. But I feel so...I don't even know how to explain how I feel. I know a lot of it is me and the crap that's going on in my own head. I have a lot of body image issues and just self esteem issues and he does nothing but support and love me. He's a wonderful partner.
I know part of the issue is that I have always thought that he would figure out that he could do so much better than me. He is smart, funny, unbelievably sexy....and I don't see myself in that way at all. The girl he's dating is very pretty and part of the issue is I know *nothing* about her. We haven't met which kind of breaks one of our...guidelines? if you will?? We have 2 small children and it's imperative for us to know each others partners. They seem to be getting rather serious and it's really bothering me that we haven't met. For the first few weeks, she literally didn't want to meet me and now, they say, it's because it hasn't worked out.
Oh my gosh, I'm totally rambling and just jumping around!! I guess...
1. how do you deal with your partner having a relationship with someone else when you yourself have major insecurities?
2. how do you deal with jealousy over NRE?
3. How do you deal with feeling some misgivings and mistrust over a romantic interest of your partner??
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  #2  
Old 10-22-2012, 05:26 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Welcome!

I read books on self esteem, and make sure we have date nights every week. If my husband lets NRE get out of hand I bitch slap him (just kidding, both of us are not very prone to crazy NRE so I haven't had to deal with that luckily).

I would suggest though, that since you have an agreement to meet other partners, and they wont make time, that you say you're not comfortable with them having any further dates until time is made for it to "work out". That's what I'd do anyway - IMO meeting other partners is for situations where the metamour is being reluctant (don't know if his new partner is poly or trying poly out?) in case they want to pretend you don't exist. I imagine thats part of the reason you made the agreement in the first place, since NRE is possibly clouding his judgement, I'd stand firm with the agreements you both made and insist they be stuck to.

Never a pleasant situation to be in - having to remind your partner of agreements and be the "heavy" in a situation, hopefully you get some more useful advice here soon.
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Old 10-22-2012, 02:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
They are *extremely* into each other and I'm feeling so insecure about everything and I simply do NOT know how to deal with it.

Is he meeting all your needs in the Older, Established Relationship? Doing all of page 6? (And you page 5?)

Quote:
I know a lot of it is me and the crap that's going on in my own head. I have a lot of body image issues and just self esteem issues and he does nothing but support and love me.
Do you need help changing your thought pattern or thought habits? Is the self esteem something you could be willing to learn to spot yourself on? Is there a Recovery Intl. chapter near you that you could be willing to attend?

Are there other things you could be willing to do to help yourself? Read books, see personal counselor, etc?
Quote:
I know part of the issue is that I have always thought that he would figure out that he could do so much better than me.
What is "wrong" with you? That you are not "enough" of? This is talking down to yourself, and speaks to fear. What's the fear all about?

Quote:
part of the issue is I know *nothing* about her. We haven't met which kind of breaks one of our...guidelines? if you will?? We have 2 small children and it's imperative for us to know each others partners.
Call him into account on this agreement breaking then. Say "Look, you are breaking agreement here. No more dates until I meet this person. Make it so. Honor the agreement."

Quote:
1. how do you deal with your partner having a relationship with someone else when you yourself have major insecurities?
I would not go there until my insecurities are resolved and my confidence solid. Having gone there, you maybe could ask for a slower speed. You could also ask for your reasonable needs at home to be met so you can feel emotionally safe.
Quote:
2. how do you deal with jealousy over NRE?
Already put link up there to one area.

Read more things like

http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

Quote:
3. How do you deal with feeling some misgivings and mistrust over a romantic interest of your partner??
Meet and demystify the person, ask intent. It's hard to "what if" and imagine stuff once you can put face to name and see that they are who they say they are. The "what IS."

Let my partner own it and expect partner to honor our agreements.

I don't know if that helps.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-22-2012 at 07:12 PM.
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Old 10-22-2012, 05:02 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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I third what Anne and GalaGirl said about holding him accountable for breaking the agreement- if he doesn't agree to no more dates until you meet her, there's a bigger problem than your insecurities (i.e. his apparent lack of respect and commitment to YOU, not to mention possible untrustworthiness).

I'm sorry I don't have much advice about dealing with the insecurities and jealousy. Hopefully he's giving you at least some reassurance, but ideally insecurities should be worked on (or the process at least started) BEFORE beginning any sort of poly relationship. Too late now, I know, but ultimately remember you're working on your insecurities for YOURSELF and your happiness, not him or his relationships.
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Old 10-22-2012, 10:34 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I can't top Galagirls advice on managing jealousy and insecurity.

BUT-I can say, breaking boundaries is = to breaking marriage vows.

If you agreed that metamours meet you both-then no more dates until you meet her.
Period.

There's a lot of STUPID SHIT that can go wrong (including increased insecurity, distrust etc) when both partners don't prioritize whatever agreements that they have. EVEN IF you have 1 agreement-no breaking it.
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Old 10-23-2012, 01:05 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kissapolygrrl View Post
1. how do you deal with your partner having a relationship with someone else when you yourself have major insecurities?
2. how do you deal with jealousy over NRE?
3. How do you deal with feeling some misgivings and mistrust over a romantic interest of your partner??
1. You deal with the insecurities separately, in and of themselves. While comparing yourself to his girlfriend might illustrate your insecurities, she does not cause them.

Don't forget, regardless of how you see yourself, you're awesome enough that your husband decided he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

2. Jealousy is usually just insecurity in disguise. Deal with #1, and #2 will likely resolve itself. However, if he has been neglecting your relationship, that will be part of dealing with #2 apart from #1. But again, that's not a "her" issue, it's a "you and him" issue, so deal with it as such. Pretend that instead of a girlfriend, he's spending too much time at the office.

3. That's a tougher problem. Some people are not trustworthy. I'm not saying that's the case here, but you need to find out whether your mistrust is your own issue or her issue. If she really is untrustworthy, then you deal with the feelings of mistrust by discussing with your husband what evidence you have that she's untrustworthy.

It could be that she didn't want to meet you because she was intimidated by you. You list the things that you envy in her... but don't forget, you're the one he comes home to. If she's not accustomed to a polyamorous relationship, she's going to be dealing with a lot of things right now.

Without meeting her, you only have 2nd hand information through your husband. This will likely be pre-interpreted in some way. As has been suggested, meet her and make your own interpretations.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
both of us are not very prone to crazy NRE so I haven't had to deal with that luckily
What a relief to hear I'm not the only one. I almost felt guilty for not neglecting the rest of my life when I met my gf... Glad to hear that's not especially weird

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
ideally insecurities should be worked on (or the process at least started) BEFORE beginning any sort of poly relationship. Too late now, I know, but ultimately remember you're working on your insecurities for YOURSELF and your happiness, not him or his relationships.
Sometimes you don't realize you have them until they're triggered externally.
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