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  #11  
Old 10-22-2012, 05:30 PM
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MoonElf MoonElf is offline
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There's always someone to tell me the confort zone is a bad thing.

I like my confort zone. I like it alot and it's really hard for someone to convince me of steping out of it.
I DO try new stuff. But only when I'm confortable about trying it.

I believe the "bad thing" lies on never opening yourself to new things. Sitting in a corner and saying: "I'll never try anything new, EVER, no matter what you say."
But you can try new things while being confortable with it.

I don't know if I was clear on my point here, English is not my first language and I sometimes have a hard time with it. So, apollogies in advance if I was confuse.
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  #12  
Old 10-22-2012, 06:03 PM
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I do see value in occasionally pushing up against my comfort zones. Not in a punishing way, like enduring all manner of shit because it's supposedly good for me, but rather like a periodic testing to see if the parameters of my comfort zones have shifted, expanded, or contracted.

I mean, there are a lot of foods and condiments I like now that I told myself I hated as a kid without even trying them. If I hadn't ever chosen to bump up against my self-imposed limits, and to actually try these things, I wouldn't be enjoying yogurt, coffee, mustard, and some other things as much as I am today (yes, these are all foods that I never even tasted until I was an adult). I still wrestle with feeling awkward around people, especially in group settings or parties, and so I push my comfort zone a lot to get past that because I do want people in my life and to be more at ease in groups without needing alcohol, so I am willing to look foolish and feel uncomfortable to achieve that goal. But if I ain't feeling the need to go there, I guiltlessly stay home and enjoy my comfort zone.

I approach the boundary-testing of my comfort zones as an exercise that I do solely for my own benefit, if and when I see fit to do so. If I find that I like my comfort zones just as they are and have no need to push past them anymore, that's perfectly fine, too. But while I do think that it is beneficial to at least look at our comfort zones and occasionally test them, I don't think anyone else should be telling me which comfort zones I should give up or test - and I hope I haven't come off as someone who tells others what zones to test, although I know I've made suggestions to people as ideas to look at and see if it rings true for themselves.
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  #13  
Old 10-22-2012, 06:34 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I do see value in occasionally pushing up against my comfort zones. Not in a punishing way, like enduring all manner of shit because it's supposedly good for me, but rather like a periodic testing to see if the parameters of my comfort zones have shifted, expanded, or contracted.

I mean, there are a lot of foods and condiments I like now that I told myself I hated as a kid without even trying them. If I hadn't ever chosen to bump up against my self-imposed limits, and to actually try these things, I wouldn't be enjoying yogurt, coffee, mustard, and some other things as much as I am today (yes, these are all foods that I never even tasted until I was an adult). I still wrestle with feeling awkward around people, especially in group settings or parties, and so I push my comfort zone a lot to get past that because I do want people in my life and to be more at ease in groups without needing alcohol, so I am willing to look foolish and feel uncomfortable to achieve that goal. But if I ain't feeling the need to go there, I guiltlessly stay home and enjoy my comfort zone.

I approach the boundary-testing of my comfort zones as an exercise that I do solely for my own benefit, if and when I see fit to do so. If I find that I like my comfort zones just as they are and have no need to push past them anymore, that's perfectly fine, too. But while I do think that it is beneficial to at least look at our comfort zones and occasionally test them, I don't think anyone else should be telling me which comfort zones I should give up or test - and I hope I haven't come off as someone who tells others what zones to test, although I know I've made suggestions to people as ideas to look at and see if it rings true for themselves.
This is precisely what I talked about that I think is healthy and ok to do. If you are doing it because it is what YOU want for yourself, it is not the same as when you're doing it to impress someone else or when you feel pressured or obligated to meet external or artificial expectations.

I, too, now like a lot of foods I didn't like earlier in my life. But when I was a child, I was forced to eat certain things that tasted unpleasant to me. Tasting those things against my will as a child did NOT cause me to "develop a taste" for them. I did what I could to avoid those foods and it was not until later, as an adult, that I came to try them again ON MY OWN TERMS, and some of them I now actively seek (one example that comes to mind is raw carrots), while others I continue to dislike more and more (raw celery comes to mind - I CAN'T STAND how celery shows up EVERYWHERE).

However, I would never expect my partner(s) to "push their limits" by, for example, insisting that they go vegan because I am vegan or eat meat because I eat meat. I would never insist that my partner learn to swim if they have a phobia of water, just so they could keep me company while I go swimming.

Even when it comes to my relationship with myself: I am afraid of heights. Therefore, I do not choose to go sky-diving or mountain-climbing. I am capable of a full, rich life with stimulating hobbies and diverse activities, lots of opportunities to expand my horizons and experience satisfaction and accomplishment - without ever having to position myself thousands of feet above the surface of the earth (it only takes about a dozen feet of elevation before I begin feeling a physical reaction). Other folks may enjoy an adrenaline rush or something when they put themselves in that kind of position; I simply want to get down. If my partner(s) suddenly said to me one day, "If you want to be with me, you have to come skydiving with me, and you have to LIKE it, or at least pretend to like it", I'd rather break up. I would own my part of it and say, "No, you go skydiving by yourself, or find someone else to go with you. I'll see you when you're done." Or I could leave the relationship. And from the other side, "I require that you go skydiving with me as a condition of being in a relationship together" and if I decline, you can leave the relationship. But I think it is ridiculous to say that you can't go skydiving without me because **I** don't like heights.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 10-22-2012 at 06:36 PM.
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  #14  
Old 10-22-2012, 10:29 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Yes, it's amusing to watch people tweak out over his comfort in remaining in his comfort zone.
He and I have talked about it a lot, because we are polar opposites. But, it's never been a battle, just a chance to learn about each other as we do know we are different.
I naturally strive for perfection, he just wants to do what needs to be done in order to get it over with. This has shown very clearly in our work lives (back when I worked). It was HILARIOUS when his current employer asked him to move into management. He was very reserved about it, becuase he's never wanted to "be in charge". He did finally cave in ($$) but, he hates it. He loves the work, he loves the people he works with, but he hates the extra responsibility and expectation that goes with being management (ie designing schedules, firing, hiring, meetings). He's much happier doing the "tedious" work of the people he is now supervising.

Personally-I strive to learn and grow all of the time, that IS my comfort zone. But-it's not everyone's and that is ANOTHER area where people don't seem to notice themselves walking all over one another.

I find it nice to just chill out and relax with GG, doing the "same old same old" instead of working. So, I've made that a part of my everyday routine too. He has made an effort to take a small amount of time out of his every day to learn about what it is I'm working on (like statistics right now). He won't LEARN what I'm learning-he's not interested, but he will hear about what I'm doing and enjoy that. Likewise with poly-he's not poly and he's not interested in learning more about it really. But, he went with me to the poly workshop I did, because he enjoys me.
Neither of us has pushed the other to be like the other-but we've both found a small space in our days to experience each others experience in a small way. Very nice.

I say-find YOUR comfort zone and go for it. Mine is learning growing and pushing my boundaries, great for me.
If yours isn't-find yours and that will be great for you.
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  #15  
Old 10-22-2012, 10:38 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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LR - once again an example of doing what is right for YOU and i don't consider that a breach of Comfort Zone at all. As i said in the OP of this thread, staying within one's comfort zone ("in the zone" lol, remember that one? We won't get into that here. Lol.) is in no way synonymous with stagnation, lack of personal growth, or not wanting to learn new things. I am learning all about essential oils and aromatherapy, and my Spouse is not very interested in it, but they are interested in ME being interested in it.

The train is at my destination. To be continued.
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  #16  
Old 10-22-2012, 10:40 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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That was exactly what I was saying. We (GG & I) are totally different. If I were to push him into participating in the myriad things I am working on learning about (like poly) that would be FUCKED UP-and it would be pushing him so far out of his comfort zone it would likely destroy a 20 year positive relationship. Because it's just NOT him.

But-being so different, doesn't mean we can't be together, it means respecting each others freedom to "grow and learn" if and when we individually are up to it. Which is NOT the same at all.
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  #17  
Old 10-22-2012, 11:30 PM
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One of our greatest pleasures is being alone -- together. Long moments of silence with interjections of "Ha! Got it! See?" and "Oh, yay! You got it!"

He sits there making WWII planes and I'm content to look when he goes "Look at this!" I know nothing about the hobby, could care less about gluing and painting bits of plastic. But he loves it. So I look and find something to admire. "Oh, you painted those eensy dials on there very well!" I am pleased for him because he worked hard to get it -- even though I have no desire of my own to be painting miniature bits!

Meanwhile I'll be there sewing something interesting for the child and he will look when I say "Look! I got this difficult seam down. HA!" He has no interest in sewing even though he's pleased that I'm having a good time on the challenge of inventing something from the kid's drawing of a concept. He's pleased child will get whatever kooky it is she asked me to make her. He has no desire to sew on his own -- but he admires the effort and is happy we are happy.

It's giving the right to support and nurture.

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  #18  
Old 10-23-2012, 06:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I would be so bold as to venture that quite a few people also feel the same, deep down, and they either have been so indoctrinated that they don't realize it, or they do realize it and keep it to themselves for whatever reason(s).
Hmm... now that you mention it, I do think I'm one of the people who's fallen into the trap of "challenging yourself is always good." Gratuitously, I'm pretty stubborn and selfish... so if challenging myself is ever too hard, I don't do it. But perhaps I don't have to feel like a failure for quitting something that's just plain awful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I mean, there are a lot of foods and condiments I like now that I told myself I hated as a kid without even trying them.
Food illustrates this concept very well. There are a lot of foods I refused to try as a kid, because I was convinced I would hate them, flavour untasted. In my mid-twenties, I decided that was silly, that I should at least try something before I swear I don't like it. So I started trying pretty much everything I'd been scared to try. Some were delicious, some were horrific. But now when I say "I'm not a fan of mushrooms" it's because I know how they taste and feel in my mouth, and not just because they look disgusting. Meanwhile, turns out salmon burgers taste like... not much of anything, actually.

Incidentally, that's why I'm glad I went to grad school. Over the summer, I became convinced that I would hate it and almost didn't go. But I couldn't find anything better to do, and I was terrified to tell my supervisor at the last minute that I was backing out. So I figured, I'll give it a year. If I hate it come April, I'll drop out and find something to do. I'm so glad I did, because I love it. If I would have listened to my fears, I really would have missed out.
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  #19  
Old 10-23-2012, 01:20 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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So, i just noticed a sub-topic which is not exactly the same as what i had in mind at the start of the thread.

Sometimes you try something you think you'll hate, but instead you like it.

Sometimes you try something you think you'll like, but instead you hate it.

(that's the general you, not "you" as in specific people on this forum)

I wanted to take the degree program for "museum studies" when i first started working here, because i'm interested in conservation and preservation and information and all that. Let me tell you - after one and a half classes ( dropped the second one because i (ahem) got sick) i realized no way did i want to spend all day working with these kinds of people - basically know-it-all Art History majors - or any people for that matter - museums are a very people-oriented place to work even if your job is not in constant contact with the public.

I gotta go. My train is at the destination.
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  #20  
Old 10-23-2012, 11:48 PM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
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I get the "getting out of your comfort zone" concept. Mainly because I do thrive from challenging myself (in ways I choose, obviously. I agree that being forced to challenge yourself is not a good thing). BUT I also have the tendency to be lazy and NOT challenge myself.

It's how some people are with exercising - you don't feel like doing it at first, but once you're actually doing it, it feels great. Laying on the couch feels comfortable in the short term, but if that's how you spend all your time, you'll end up feeling like crap.

So that is how I see "getting out of your comfort zone." People need a balance of comfort and challenge. That balance is, of course, different for everyone.
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