Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 10-22-2012, 01:47 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,928

I'm not arguing STD "seriousness level" here. I see that things are important to you. I accept it. So I'm coming from the place of -- alright. How can you get what you need when negotiating with DH so you you can come to compromise/agreement/agree-to-disagree?

I took the liberty of taking out extra details so I could try to get to the heart of the message. My apologies if I am not in the right ball park.

Last night, we went out with the GF and it came out that they had had sex in front of people at a sex party. I am really upset by sex parties because it is really difficult for me to conceptualize that these parties are safe and innocent. My husband also lied to me and downplayed the party because he knew I'd be upset. So, he put me and his lover in an awkward position.
So that is 3 problems.

1) That he goes to places you think are not safe. What do you fear will happen to him? What do you fear will happen to you? Some kind of STD transmission? Something else? What does he need to do so that you can feel safe about his going there? Where is the happy medium? (more on that below)

2) He minimizes / lies to you to avoid your reaction. Why is he doing that? Do you have some responsibility there?
a) Is that a natural habit of his? To not tell the full truth?

b) Is it a response to YOUR natural habit thing of how you respond? Do you wig out at him and then he would rather avoid conflict in future?
How do you want to receive difficult information? Does he know your preference? Can he execute your preference in delivery of information?

3) Being the hinge person with the two ladies and not putting them in awkward spots. Is he aware he puts you in awkward? Does she feel awkward? How do you report awkward to him? How does he prefer to receive this information? Have you discussed his "hinge person" role?

I like his GF a lot but I find her lifestyle immature. I care because my husband is so passive and so forgetful, that I feel constantly burdened by running things. I feel like his girlfriend is another person who benefits by me 'running things" i.e. she never has to deal with his messes and all.
What messes? Could you stop running things /cleaning up messes? Let husband deal with his own stuff more?

What is it that you have to run for him that you do not want to be running? Which parts could be let go of?

Is it really running things or could it be not receiving back support/nurture enough?

Could your husband be a better hinge? Does he spill TMI too much at you? Where is the TMI wall at?

Where is the happy medium there?

I think I am very sexually conservative and very interested in intimacy without sex. My husband cannot relate to people in that way. He is very sexual and wild and I think he can only be close through a sexual relationship.
So you lean to the poly and he leans to the swing side? Of open relationship models?

I guess what I am asking is 1. Is it possible for two people who are so opposite to stay together?
I have no idea. Are you thinking of breaking up?

2. Can I be more accepting of sex parities? Are they really more benign than I imagine?
I do not know what you imagine. I cannot mind reader.

What do YOU need to be able to be more accepting of sex parties? Can you articulate these items so that DH can execute them?

What does husband need to do to assure you of sex party safety? You cannot control his behavior. You can control yours. You can ASK him to consider doing things but only after you articulate them. For example -- Are you no longer going to be fluid bonded to him? Wear condoms when you have sex? What needs to happen so you can feel mentally safe, emotionally safe, physically safe, spiritual safe with this?

Make a list --
you both attending these things and you are together
he attends these things and you guys break up on the other
Pin down the extremes and than color in all the in between places. Where is the happy medium you both can be ok at? And what needs to happen to park it there?

Or maybe the bottom line is that this is a dealkbreaker issue for you. No amount of anything would have you accept sex party stuff. Is that where you are at? (Every has a limit. Is this where one of yours is? Is DH aware?)

3. How do I come to terms with not being jealous of the GF freedom?
What do you think the GF has that you do not? Her freedom from WHAT? His laundry?

What is it you want more of that you think she has? Try to elaborate there too. Maybe that could give clues to how to resolve that one.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-22-2012 at 02:11 AM.
Reply With Quote

addiction, discriminalization, herpes, hiv, marginalization, sex, sex addiction, sex parties, sex party, std's, sti's

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:43 PM.